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The girl in the mirror has confidence. Finally she’s smiling. An inner joy is filling her body and puts a big smile on her face. The girl in the mirror has been through so much; and changed so much. The girl she used to be belongs to the past; the girl she’s become is the one she wants to be. The girl in the mirror has shape – an hourglass body shape is indicated with a dress she just a few months ago didn’t fit. The girl in the mirror has used energy and strength to get to where she is today. Energy and strength she didn’t even know she had. But everything has gone in the positive direction. The girl in the mirror is satisfied; satisfied with how life has turned out. The girl in the mirror is proud; proud of whom she become. No one can take away her pride. The girl in the mirror dares to be herself; she has a dream. The girl in the mirror has huge dreams; dreams she one day wish to accomplish.  

The girl in the mirror has my hair, my face and my body. The girl in the mirror resembles me. We could be twins. The girl in the mirror is smiling; smiling because she finally feels she on the right road in life. The girl in the mirror is smiling because she has so many great people in her life. The girl in the mirror is satisfied. The girl in the mirror has changed since she moved away from home four years ago. The girl in the mirror has lost weight. The girl in the mirror works out on a daily basis.

But does everybody else see what the girl in the mirror sees?

The girl in the mirror is me and I would like to tell you my story. I wish for some day that my words will give you the chills and bring tears in your eyes. Most of all I want my stories to show you why I have been so strong; so protective of myself. I want my stories to give you something to think about; how you behave and treat others around you. Because friends don’t grow on trees, and friends don’t just appear out of the blue. You have to make an effort. You have to take initiative. But for some that can be difficult. They have thoughts which give them low self-esteem; they think too much about how other people perceive them and forget to be themselves. They get lost in the crowd and forget to speak up. But I’m done being one among the crowd; I’m done not daring to speak up – I’m ready to be me. The girl in the mirror is me and she is a person; a person who is worth something. 

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There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart’s desire; the other is to gain it.

Once again you’ve managed to get trapped and be fooled by love. You don’t understand why you never learn. All love has ever given you is heartache and tears; and plenty of walks in the rain – because then no one can see you’re crying. You ask yourself why you haven’t experienced the greatness of love yet; the excitement of being in love with someone who’s in love with you. Time after time you’ve given up on love but then as time goes by you find yourself back at the starting point. You think maybe it’s time you got out of the circle you find yourself in and find new ways to go.

Love has never been easy; not for anyone. It certainly has broken your heart a numerous times. So why do you always let love trap you? One reason is probably the feeling that comes with it; the feeling that you’re high on life. You smile all the time. You don’t eat because of the butterflies flying around in your stomach. You drag yourself to school because you might see him because seeing him makes your day. But it’s just a crush; nothing more and out of fear you won’t do anything about it. With your past in the back of your mind you don’t do anything about it. But one day might have changed it all. You find yourself in a situation. Studying in the library and suddenly he sits down above you. You look at him in secret when you know he’s not looking; you steal glances at him when he’s busy reading. The moment he looks up; you look away pretending you’re reading something important – something interesting.

He’s the one you told your friend looked too young. But as the day goes by his looks grows on you; he’s cute; seems like a nice person; doesn’t really look that young or maybe you’re blinded. He’s strong; tall. During the day you drink coffee; lots of coffee; strong coffee. It makes you feel drunk and apparently has the same effect on you as alcohol. You become brave. Your stares become longer. I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. Then suddenly you stare a moment to long and your eyes meet. You quickly look down. But you’re not defeated. It happens again. But you forget to smile. It haunts your mind; your weird behavior.

Then Friday comes; you’re back at school. Coming back from lunch he walks by, turn his head and smile. You wish you had the power to rewind. Rewind and play it again; and again; and again. Maybe in slow motion; analyze where he was looking. Was he looking at you? Was his smile meant for you? Did you meet his eyes and smile back? Stop this. Just stop this. Stop this overanalyzing shit. Go back to studying. Get your mind over on something else. It was probably just a fraction of your imagination. You probably just saw what you wanted to see.

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Hearing another voice telling you to do something could be your own intuition telling you to go somewhere or do something.

I have a hard time imagining that someone like you could ever have feelings for me. Why would you? Behind sun glasses I look at you when you walk by. I wish I had the courage to take them off and meet your eyes; and give you a smile. I’m captivated by your looks. I don’t know you or if we have anything in common. So why does my heart beat faster? Why do I care if you look my way? But you have to dare take risk in order to get somewhere in life. I’m afraid to show vulnerability. But nothing comes to those who sit around and wait. In order to get happiness you also have to be willing to experience pain. There’s always a risk to love. What if it doesn’t work out? Ah, but then again what if it does?

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I’m not going to get mad and make myself a victim. I’m going to get mad and use that to my advantage. That’s what I’ve been doing the past years. Every time I run I think back at who I used to be; what I used to look like; what I thought about myself.  Every time I lift a weight I think about how weak I used to be; how I became a prey – how I made myself become the pray. I showed weakness. But I’m not that girl anymore. I’m not a prey. I’m not weak. And in my own way I’m beautiful.

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It goes deep; these feelings of insecurity I have. They are rooted in fear and growing up being constantly told that no one’s ever going to love you because you’re too fat. Nothing changes even if you change; it’s still the same feeling. The voices are still there. So you look away. You’re ugly. There’s no point. It’s not worth it. You always look away. You live your life, always afraid. Wishing you had those beers in your system. Because then you’d be brave. Then you ignore the voices. You’re being yourself. You’re being confident. You would turn your head and look him in the eye; and smile. Not worrying about what if. You would just do it. No questions asked.

It doesn’t matter where you are or who you’re with. The voices always find you. They seek you out. They prey on you. They keep you down. You put up that wall. Make your appearance seem tough. Eat less, work out more. You run till you faint. No matter what, you always find time to work out. You don’t talk about your past to anyone; afraid of being judged. Afraid they’ll get scared and leave you alone. Afraid they’ll deem you a freak. How to explain that when there was no other way you found something sharp and made a tiny scratch on your right wrist? Still, you never seem to give up. You believe that someday you’ll experience that silver lining everybody’s talking about. Find that special someone who finally makes your life worth living. You have to believe. No matter what you have to believe that life will be okay. You made it this far. There’s no way you can give up now.

Just because I usually don’t cry, doesn’t mean my heart doesn’t’ cry because crying makes you weak. I know how to put on a brave face. I’m a master in wearing different masks. That’s what my past has taught me – to wear masks. Don’t let your bullies see that what they say affect you. Don’t let them see that their words make you cry. Cry in silence. Cry when you’re home in the comfort of your room. Don’t show them you’re weak. They want you to break. They want to feel superior. They want to make themselves feel better and they chose you.

I have experienced how much pain the heart can take. I was broken many years ago. My heart was broken many years ago but it’s still beating. Gradually I’ve glued myself back together. I might be whole again but the scars remain; both physical and mental. They stick with you. Wherever you go, you’ll never forget your past. As long as your heart is beating; the scars will be alive. They did this to you. They broke you. 

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Ignore him. Play it cool. Look down. If your eyes meet he will see everything. See your soul. Read you like an open book. Look away. He’s not worth it. He’ll eventually make you cry. They all will. There’s no hope for you; no one’s ever going to love you, your freckle face or your few extra pounds. That’s why you look down when they pass you on the street. Why you never look them in the eye at school. We’ve talked about this before. Don’t you remember? No worries. That’s what I’m here for; to remind you. How ugly you are. I’ll always remind you. You’ll never get rid of me. I’m here to haunt you for the rest of your life. There’s no escape. No way out. Just you and me, and don’t you dare shut me out. I always find ways to get back inside your head, you know that. I told you. There’s no way you can escape from me. 

Live for yourself and nobody else. This is your life; time to make the most of it; time to do what you love; time to stop overanalyzing. Well, well, look at that; the pessimist has become an optimist. Keep this up and I won’t be around for long. I only come around when you need me and now I sensed you needed someone to give you a kick in the ass. 

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Down by the sea where the waves hit the shore walks a girl all to herself. No one can possible know what goes through her mind or what her heart truly desires. The waves give her inner peace; clears her mind and helps putting the pieces in the confusing puzzle that is her life, back together. Her heart has been broken and shattered; its color has turned grey. The raindrops mix with the salty tears running down her cheeks but since it is raining no one can see she’s crying. Her gaze turns to watch the horizon where the sun in a few hours will rise and gently shed its light on the deep blue ocean. Oh, how she longed to be one with the sea. Suddenly, she took one step, then another and before she knew it she was surrounded by water. Her tears washed away, she took one last breath and her lungs filled with water.

The ocean was colder than she imagined and the waves were stronger. They pulled her down towards the seabed and while she was pulled down she desperately tried to grasp hold of something but the water just flowed right through her fingers. Nothing to hold on to there was no way back. They say that when you die your life flashes before your eyes; one last time to enjoy your memories before you’re nothing else but a fragment in someone else’s memory. There were no flashes of memory; just darkness. Then suddenly something grabbed her tightly around her waist and pulled her towards the surface; or was it pulling her farther down? She had lost the direction; didn’t know which was up and what was down. Her mind had given up a long time ago – now her body could finally let go too. Her lungs were filling up with salt water and soon she would have to take her last breath. Finally, she could stop pretending and at long last her heart could one last time become red again.

There was a reason why she had chosen the ocean. Then she didn’t have to feel the tears and be reminded that she was alive; and how a part of her still desperately wanted to be alive. How could she do this? How could she inflict this pain on others? It would have been alright if she had been alone in the world but she wasn’t; she left behind a family who loved her deeply. And just like that it dawned on her what she was about to do. She did not want to die. She wanted to be alive. What if she sometimes hit rock bottom? She could find other ways to overcome that if she could only get above water and breathe in the fresh air. She tried to swim towards the surface but the current was too strong and pulled her down, and she realized it was a fight she was destined to lose. But she couldn’t give up without a fight; she wanted to continue living!

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To all the girls who think they’re fat because they’re not a size zero. You’re the beautiful one. It’s society that’s ugly.

Sick and tired. Sick and tired of it all. I’m sick and tired of the stress. What if I don’t pass my exams; what if I don’t get a summer job? What if I didn’t workout long enough today? What if I eat too much dinner? What if I make brownies later? Will I gain all the calories I ran away today?

Society is ugly. Telling us how to look, what to wear and what will make us happy. Society tells us in order to be beautiful you have to be a size zero and you need to have the perfect body. So we work our asses off. Especially those of us who can’t eat what we want and still look thin. We work out till we feel the vomit in our throat. We swallow it down with some water and continue. We run until we’re dizzy and about to faint. We push ourselves harder and harder for each time. Because society tells us that we’re not beautiful unless we’re a size zero.

We search the web for thinspiration because that’s the new hype. That’s what everybody is supposed to look like, according to social media. What about those of us who have curves? Those of us who no matter what – no matter how much we work out – will never be skinny? Those of us who have hips, ass, breasts and thighs; what about us? We judge ourselves in the mirror because we don’t measure up to society’s standards.

We are thought to believe that what boys want – what guys want – is a blond, skinny bitch. Yes, I call them skinny bitches. They’re my enemies. They’re the ones who constantly made me feel like a losers, who made me feel ugly and fat. They’re the ones who used to make my life a living hell. They’re the ones who thought they were perfect with their blond hair, tight jeans, one-size-too-small top, and who got all the attention from boys. They made the rest of us, who wasn’t like them, feel less about ourselves; using words and action. They measured us from head to toe. But where are these girls today?

But society doesn’t consist of just skinny bitches and we can’t all amount to become one. We are all individuals of different size and body shape. We can’t let society dictates how we’re supposed to look like. We need to believe that in our own way we are beautiful just the way we are. We’re not supposed to change anything in order for a guy to love us – in order for society to be right. We’re supposed to change if, and only if, it makes us feel good about ourselves; if it helps with our self-confidence. Don’t change because society tells you to, change because you want to.

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To love is nothing, to be loved is something, to love and be loved is everything.

She is the author of her life. Unfortunately she’s writing in pen and therefore can’t erase her mistakes. She can cross them out but that doesn’t mean they will disappear, they will still be there – just like the ink and word will still be on the paper even though they’re crosses out.

Why is it so hard to find someone who cares about you? When it’s easy to find someone who looks down on you?

She felt his eyes rest on her. She didn’t dare look up from what she was reading in case there was a slight chance her feeling was right; in case his eyes met hers. There were plenty of other vacant seats he could have chosen but he sat down there; two seats down, facing her. He could have chosen a seat where he would have his back towards her but he didn’t. Maybe it was her, once again, reading too much into it. She usually does. Her mind has a tendency to think too much.

And because she’s shy, she keeps her eyes firmly set on the words she’s trying to read but her mind doesn’t register anything. All it can focus on is why he sat down there? Why? When there were so many other vacant chairs to choose from? What if he’s looking at her? Why would he look at her? She’s nothing special to look at. She’s neither skinny nor fat. Her hair is a mess, and she’s hardly wearing any make-up today. She stayed up too late last night; had one too many beers. Still, she managed to drag herself out of bed when the alarm rang at 6:30 and got to school on time.

Sometimes she questions the size of this town. He’s everywhere. She sees him in the library, in the school cafeteria, at the gym but not out at night. The one time she’s not shy. The one time she would actually have the courage to meet his eyes or maybe even say I. He doesn’t go the places she and her friends go to – maybe he doesn’t go out at all? Maybe he already has a girlfriend and stays inside with her on a Saturday night? There you go, she’s thinking too much again.

Lately, he’s taken over her dreams. She dreams of an alternate reality where everything is different; a reality where she would be popular and have plenty of suitors to choose from. Reality couldn’t be farther from the truth. She’s never had a boyfriend. School is what’s important to her, getting good grades so she can get into a good college and get out of this town, once and for all. She has never looked in a mirror and thought what she saw was beautiful – so why would anyone else? Why would a guy like her, when she doesn’t even like herself?

This low self-esteem she has is the result of years being bullied – she spent years being told she was fat and ugly. Hearing that every day did something to her personality. What they said etched itself into her brain and she started to believe them. Because when they said it every day it had to be true, right? Why would they lie? Instead she went numb to protect herself. She built a wall it became hard for people to climb over but not everyone wants to screw her over; maybe they just want to get to know her?

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I’ve lost faith in love. I’m not writing it off. I’ve just lost faith. I see people in love but I don’t believe it’s true. Not for me. It’s not in my cards. At least that’s what I’ve been told. I’m not lovable. I’m too fat – was too fat – to be loved. I’m too ugly – was too ugly – to be loved. All through my childhood, every day, I was told that I was ugly and fat. Not cool. My clothes weren’t cool. I wasn’t cool enough. I was a nerd. I liked to read books – study. That wasn’t what the cool kids did. The cool kids couldn’t care less about school. But where are they today? What happened to the cool kids who told me I was fat, ugly and not cool?

I have a bachelor’s degree in English, and in a year I might have a bachelor’s degree in political science. Look at what happened to the fat, ugly and not cool girl. She has good friends – and I would say a perfect life. She lifts weights. She runs. She’s strong. This – the person I’ve become is my revenge. Still, there’s one thing missing. That person. That special person who does everything in his power to make you believe that no matter what, he will always think you’re beautiful – I haven’t found him yet. But I haven’t given up hope. Just lost a little faith in love. For now I doubt that love exists. But what’s all the fuzz about if it didn’t? Why do they make romantic comedies? Where would Pride and Prejudice have been if it wasn’t for the love between Elizabeth Bennett and her Mr. Darcy? Instead I’ve decided – I’ve been doing it for the past weeks – to live every day as if it was my last. I’ll have fun. And in the end everything eventually works out. It does. It always does. It has to work out, even for me, it has to work out.

Every new beginning is just a prequel to the life you have already lived.

I have nothing to lose. Instead I have everything to win. I can’t lose someone who wasn’t mine in the first place. Therefore, it’s time to take risks by meeting his eyes and put on that smile. I can do this. I have nothing to lose and everything to win.

I almost did today. Almost. For a brief moment I tell myself I looked him in the eyes. But that’s what I tell myself. Doesn’t mean that’s what happened. I’m known to twist things – make the story appear greater than it is. But this time I don’t know. Well, tomorrow is a new day. And maybe that’s the day when I’ll stop writing about this kind of thing and instead take a risk – and do it? What harm can it possibly do? I have nothing – absolutely nothing – to lose. I have everything to win. I can’t lose him because he was never mine. And he never will be if I don’t take a chance. Take it a step further. I dare myself. See what happens.

I believe I have come a long way. I’m not that girl anymore. The one who believes she has no friends and a boring life. Who spent too much time wondering what others thought or said about her behind her back; the girl who thinks a boy will never love her. Who thinks she’ll be forever alone. I have grown – become independent. I believe in myself. And every passing day my confidence grows. I smile much more that I imagine I’ve got dimples. I walk with my head held high but I still look away. I’ve stopped looking down at the ground. Instead I look away. I keep my head held high and my eyes firmly set at the horizon. At least I don’t look down. I have come a long way, haven’t I?

I’m not the girl who used food to ease the pain. Who sometimes found something sharp and dragged it over the skin on my arm. Never deep enough, afraid it would leave a permanent mark. I have one and that’s enough. It’s a constant reminder. Easily visible to me because I know it’s there. I’m not proud. It’s was a way – a way to deal with the pain when tears wasn’t enough. Tears eventually became obsolete. They were always there but wasn’t enough to numb the pain. Food did. So I gained weight. I started to hate my reflection. Didn’t look at myself in the mirror – I became ashamed of who I was. Now, I look back and realize I wouldn’t want to be anyone else. Sure, my past has made me create a wall around myself but as time goes by it becomes easier for people to push through. Brick by brick I’m removing it and I’m starting to believe it won’t be long till it’s all gone. It has taken a lot of time – several years – and hard work. But gradually I’m getting there, to the place where I want to be. I’m becoming me. Life used to scare me. Not anymore. I go to bed at night, eager to great a new day. Still, I don’t exactly jump out of bed when the alarm goes off at 6:45 a.m. but I don’t fear the day anymore. I greet it; after I’ve had my coffee.