I’ve lost faith in love. I’m not writing it off. I’ve just lost faith. I see people in love but I don’t believe it’s true. Not for me. It’s not in my cards. At least that’s what I’ve been told. I’m not lovable. I’m too fat – was too fat – to be loved. I’m too ugly – was too ugly – to be loved. All through my childhood, every day, I was told that I was ugly and fat. Not cool. My clothes weren’t cool. I wasn’t cool enough. I was a nerd. I liked to read books – study. That wasn’t what the cool kids did. The cool kids couldn’t care less about school. But where are they today? What happened to the cool kids who told me I was fat, ugly and not cool?
I have a bachelor’s degree in English, and in a year I might have a bachelor’s degree in political science. Look at what happened to the fat, ugly and not cool girl. She has good friends – and I would say a perfect life. She lifts weights. She runs. She’s strong. This – the person I’ve become is my revenge. Still, there’s one thing missing. That person. That special person who does everything in his power to make you believe that no matter what, he will always think you’re beautiful – I haven’t found him yet. But I haven’t given up hope. Just lost a little faith in love. For now I doubt that love exists. But what’s all the fuzz about if it didn’t? Why do they make romantic comedies? Where would Pride and Prejudice have been if it wasn’t for the love between Elizabeth Bennett and her Mr. Darcy? Instead I’ve decided – I’ve been doing it for the past weeks – to live every day as if it was my last. I’ll have fun. And in the end everything eventually works out. It does. It always does. It has to work out, even for me, it has to work out.
Every new beginning is just a prequel to the life you have already lived.
I have nothing to lose. Instead I have everything to win. I can’t lose someone who wasn’t mine in the first place. Therefore, it’s time to take risks by meeting his eyes and put on that smile. I can do this. I have nothing to lose and everything to win.
I almost did today. Almost. For a brief moment I tell myself I looked him in the eyes. But that’s what I tell myself. Doesn’t mean that’s what happened. I’m known to twist things – make the story appear greater than it is. But this time I don’t know. Well, tomorrow is a new day. And maybe that’s the day when I’ll stop writing about this kind of thing and instead take a risk – and do it? What harm can it possibly do? I have nothing – absolutely nothing – to lose. I have everything to win. I can’t lose him because he was never mine. And he never will be if I don’t take a chance. Take it a step further. I dare myself. See what happens.
I believe I have come a long way. I’m not that girl anymore. The one who believes she has no friends and a boring life. Who spent too much time wondering what others thought or said about her behind her back; the girl who thinks a boy will never love her. Who thinks she’ll be forever alone. I have grown – become independent. I believe in myself. And every passing day my confidence grows. I smile much more that I imagine I’ve got dimples. I walk with my head held high but I still look away. I’ve stopped looking down at the ground. Instead I look away. I keep my head held high and my eyes firmly set at the horizon. At least I don’t look down. I have come a long way, haven’t I?
I’m not the girl who used food to ease the pain. Who sometimes found something sharp and dragged it over the skin on my arm. Never deep enough, afraid it would leave a permanent mark. I have one and that’s enough. It’s a constant reminder. Easily visible to me because I know it’s there. I’m not proud. It’s was a way – a way to deal with the pain when tears wasn’t enough. Tears eventually became obsolete. They were always there but wasn’t enough to numb the pain. Food did. So I gained weight. I started to hate my reflection. Didn’t look at myself in the mirror – I became ashamed of who I was. Now, I look back and realize I wouldn’t want to be anyone else. Sure, my past has made me create a wall around myself but as time goes by it becomes easier for people to push through. Brick by brick I’m removing it and I’m starting to believe it won’t be long till it’s all gone. It has taken a lot of time – several years – and hard work. But gradually I’m getting there, to the place where I want to be. I’m becoming me. Life used to scare me. Not anymore. I go to bed at night, eager to great a new day. Still, I don’t exactly jump out of bed when the alarm goes off at 6:45 a.m. but I don’t fear the day anymore. I greet it; after I’ve had my coffee.