To love is nothing, to be loved is something, to love and be loved is everything.
She is the author of her life. Unfortunately she’s writing in pen and therefore can’t erase her mistakes. She can cross them out but that doesn’t mean they will disappear, they will still be there – just like the ink and word will still be on the paper even though they’re crosses out.
Why is it so hard to find someone who cares about you? When it’s easy to find someone who looks down on you?
She felt his eyes rest on her. She didn’t dare look up from what she was reading in case there was a slight chance her feeling was right; in case his eyes met hers. There were plenty of other vacant seats he could have chosen but he sat down there; two seats down, facing her. He could have chosen a seat where he would have his back towards her but he didn’t. Maybe it was her, once again, reading too much into it. She usually does. Her mind has a tendency to think too much.
And because she’s shy, she keeps her eyes firmly set on the words she’s trying to read but her mind doesn’t register anything. All it can focus on is why he sat down there? Why? When there were so many other vacant chairs to choose from? What if he’s looking at her? Why would he look at her? She’s nothing special to look at. She’s neither skinny nor fat. Her hair is a mess, and she’s hardly wearing any make-up today. She stayed up too late last night; had one too many beers. Still, she managed to drag herself out of bed when the alarm rang at 6:30 and got to school on time.
Sometimes she questions the size of this town. He’s everywhere. She sees him in the library, in the school cafeteria, at the gym but not out at night. The one time she’s not shy. The one time she would actually have the courage to meet his eyes or maybe even say I. He doesn’t go the places she and her friends go to – maybe he doesn’t go out at all? Maybe he already has a girlfriend and stays inside with her on a Saturday night? There you go, she’s thinking too much again.
Lately, he’s taken over her dreams. She dreams of an alternate reality where everything is different; a reality where she would be popular and have plenty of suitors to choose from. Reality couldn’t be farther from the truth. She’s never had a boyfriend. School is what’s important to her, getting good grades so she can get into a good college and get out of this town, once and for all. She has never looked in a mirror and thought what she saw was beautiful – so why would anyone else? Why would a guy like her, when she doesn’t even like herself?
This low self-esteem she has is the result of years being bullied – she spent years being told she was fat and ugly. Hearing that every day did something to her personality. What they said etched itself into her brain and she started to believe them. Because when they said it every day it had to be true, right? Why would they lie? Instead she went numb to protect herself. She built a wall it became hard for people to climb over but not everyone wants to screw her over; maybe they just want to get to know her?