It goes deep; these feelings of insecurity I have. They are rooted in fear and growing up being constantly told that no one’s ever going to love you because you’re too fat. Nothing changes even if you change; it’s still the same feeling. The voices are still there. So you look away. You’re ugly. There’s no point. It’s not worth it. You always look away. You live your life, always afraid. Wishing you had those beers in your system. Because then you’d be brave. Then you ignore the voices. You’re being yourself. You’re being confident. You would turn your head and look him in the eye; and smile. Not worrying about what if. You would just do it. No questions asked.
It doesn’t matter where you are or who you’re with. The voices always find you. They seek you out. They prey on you. They keep you down. You put up that wall. Make your appearance seem tough. Eat less, work out more. You run till you faint. No matter what, you always find time to work out. You don’t talk about your past to anyone; afraid of being judged. Afraid they’ll get scared and leave you alone. Afraid they’ll deem you a freak. How to explain that when there was no other way you found something sharp and made a tiny scratch on your right wrist? Still, you never seem to give up. You believe that someday you’ll experience that silver lining everybody’s talking about. Find that special someone who finally makes your life worth living. You have to believe. No matter what you have to believe that life will be okay. You made it this far. There’s no way you can give up now.
Just because I usually don’t cry, doesn’t mean my heart doesn’t’ cry because crying makes you weak. I know how to put on a brave face. I’m a master in wearing different masks. That’s what my past has taught me – to wear masks. Don’t let your bullies see that what they say affect you. Don’t let them see that their words make you cry. Cry in silence. Cry when you’re home in the comfort of your room. Don’t show them you’re weak. They want you to break. They want to feel superior. They want to make themselves feel better and they chose you.
I have experienced how much pain the heart can take. I was broken many years ago. My heart was broken many years ago but it’s still beating. Gradually I’ve glued myself back together. I might be whole again but the scars remain; both physical and mental. They stick with you. Wherever you go, you’ll never forget your past. As long as your heart is beating; the scars will be alive. They did this to you. They broke you.