Poem

Even the pictures remind me of it

But I didn’t do it.

I remain a coward –

A heartless bitch.

Remember to smile, the pictures say.

Are they mocking me?

Playing tricks on me?

I know I forgot –

I didn’t forget.

I said I was a coward;

I’m a complete idiot.

I tell myself it’s too early to smile

I tell myself it’s not worth it –

I’m not worth it,

I’ll never be worth it.

I’ll never be good enough for you,

I’ll never be pretty enough –

Or skinny enough.

Why bother?

Why care?

Why be brave?

I don’t know how to show it,

I don’t know where to find the courage.

I’m pathetic, I know

It’s one of many parts of myself I hate.

I’m the great pretender –

I pretend I don’t care

When I see you, but I do.

I might be a coward,

But I care, I really do.

©

Advertisements
Poem

I tell myself to be brave.

I tell myself tomorrow is the day,

Then tomorrow comes

But I remain the coward I always have been –

Always will be:

I look at the ground; forget to smile.

Then I scream inside

Wishing I could punch myself

Asking myself why – why didn’t I?

I want to rewind

Get a second chance

And maybe, just maybe

I’ll finally get it right

But I won’t, I know I won’t

I doubt I ever will

It’s a vicious circle I find myself in,

I’ll never get it right.

Why do I never learn?

I’ll get a second chance tomorrow

At least I think I will.

But how many chances does a person get?

Someday it has to end, right?

I tell myself to be brave

I tell myself tomorrow is the day

When I’ll finally be brave

I won’t be a coward

I won’t look at the ground,

And I’m going to smile

Because tomorrow, I’ll be brave.

©

Uncategorized

Sometimes you need to be alone, in order to find out who you really are and what you really want.

It felt like I had gotten lost but along the way I found myself. I found the courage to be myself. I discovered the way to happiness. I searched for so long and never realized that the answer was simple. I have to let go of the past; what people thought of me doesn’t matter. What people think of me doesn’t matter. Who are they to judge me? What gives them the right to judge me? They don’t know me; they don’t know who I am – who I was. Why should I let people label me when they don’t know me?

I have survived my entire life up until this point. I survived the pain, the heartbreaks, the devastation, and the bullying. I survived all the different phases in my life up until this point and here I am; stronger than I ever have been. Why should I let the past define who I am today; how I act today? I survived the past and now it’s time to let go, and move on. Create memories to replace the nightmares.

Look at me, there has to be something more than what they see; wholesome and pure, also scared and unsure. A poor man’s Sandra Dee. Sandy, you must start anew. Don’t you know what you must do? Hold your head high, take a deep breath and sigh “Goodbye to Sandra Dee”. 

So fuck them. Fuck them all. I’m going to walk with my head held high and show them all. I’m going to show them that the shy and quiet girl is gone. She doesn’t exist anymore. I want so much in this world but I won’t get it by being shy and quiet. Not sit idle by and wait for love or other great things to happen. If I don’t go after what I want, I’ll never have it.

Beauty isn’t just looks. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Beauty is your personality. Beauty is your heart. Beauty is you. There isn’t just one definition of beauty same as there isn’t only one model of what’s beautiful.

It’s not just about the dream. Anyone can dream a dream. But a dream is only a dream. If you want it to happen, make it happen. Don’t just dream it, night after night. Do something about that dream. Make your dreams real. I believe in you. You can do it; time to be brave; time to be courageous. This is your life; live it!

I’m not perfect. I never will be. I am me and it’s exactly who I want to be.

They might try to tell you how you can live your life. But don’t, don’t forget it’s your right to do whatever you like. ‘Cause you could be your own spotlight. You could be the star, you could shine so bright. You could be your own spotlight. 

Uncategorized

Every once in a while it’s okay to take a break. It’s okay to stay inside, on the couch and watch TV; and drink cups of coffee. Even though there are exams to study for.

But while you stay on the couch all day, watch TV, and drinking cups of coffee you build up all this energy.  You feel the need to do something.  You get restless.

Uncategorized

It had to come. The way I’ve been pushing myself lately I had to hit the wall, eventually. It would be a miracle if it was possible to keep going on the way I have.

Up at 6.30; coffee, breakfast and shower; be at the library by eight, preferably a few minutes before eight; study at the library until 5-6 o’clock; go home, change, eat a banana and then hit the gym; be at the gym for a few hours and have a kickass workout; go home, shower and eat dinner; then spend a few hours on the couch before bedtime.

Then you do it all over again the next day and the next until you reach the wall; until the day you hit the wall. The wall isn’t something you reach, it something hitting you in the face when you least expect it. It hits you at a time when you feel great but deep down you’re not. You’ve been pushing yourself too hard, have ignored the signs and just kept going. On Friday I hit that wall. After nearly 10 hours in the library I broke down when I came home.

Luckily, there was music and there was rain. So I went for a walk. I think I cried a bit too but who saw? It might as well have been rain.

I love the rain. I love when the ground gets wet. I love that after a little rain you might get lucky and see a rainbow glisten. I love the little puddles; and the big puddles. I become a child again. I jump in them. I don’t care who sees me. I live in my own world which is a little bit crazy; a little bit weird; and a little bit normal. My world is awesome, sometimes. Other times I wish it wasn’t my world. Times when everything seems to go wrong; when the world seems to be against me. But it doesn’t happen that often anymore, that the world is against me and it doesn’t last for days like it used to. I like to think it has something to do with me finally being able to change my life for the better.

I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions. Still, when the clock struck twelve on New Year’s Eve I promised myself that 2013 would be the year I finally fixed my life; fixed my world. I promised myself that 2013 would be the year I finally fixed what was broken years ago; I decided that I wasn’t going to let it define me anymore. Because why let my past define who I am, when I’m clearly not that girl anymore? When it’s evident I’ve actually changed? And I’ve changed a lot; not just the four-five months since 2013 started but since I moved away from home four-five years ago. That’s when I started changing. It’s taken me awhile but I finally feel it. I finally feel the change.

Poem

A newfound spirit from deep within

A white sheet of paper, no words to begin

Rooted in fear, the eye shed a tear

Bright blue sky makes shadows come alive

Try to remember the words I know

A desperate need to fill the white paper

I have to do it now and not a moment later

A mind divided between the two

Who to be; what to choose?

Would you believe the words I write?

Can I trust you with my soul open wide?

Some three little words I would like to say

I’m done with hiding them away

Willing to take chances, willing to get hurt

You need to handle pain before joy

A few little words could change it all

If only I didn’t feel so small

I might have told it all

No mind divided between the two

I know who to be and what to choose

I’m ready to face what comes ahead

So what if tears might be shed

I’m willing to do what it takes

Because all I want is to be loved…

©

Poem

We will run and scream

While chasing our dreams

With birds we’ll fly

Way up in the sky

Storm clouds will find us,

Rain will soak us

Together us two

Just me and you

At last we found love.

Take these words

They are yours to keep

Together forever

No longer apart

I gave you my heart.

This is our moment

Under the stars

We will always remember

We were young and restless

Take my heart

It’s yours to keep

Hold around me

Sweep me off my feet.

Up a mountain, down a hill

Together we cross,

Rivers and streams

Until we one day find our dream.

Last we reach the ocean still,

No waves, no sound or seagull screams

Together we sit,

In silence and peace.

We ran and screamed,

And chased our dreams

With birds we flew

In the sky so blue

A lifetime ago;

Young, wild and free!