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Dark times are coming. Dark times are here. It’s dark when my feet hit the cold floor in the morning; it’s dark when I leave the library and walk the short way home.

‘Tis the season to be jolly

It’s the season to stay inside, curl up on the couch under a blanket, light the fire and watch some TV with a cup of hot chocolate. No, scratch that. Neither do I have a fireplace nor do I have the time to watch TV. And a cup of hot chocolate late at night will only mess with my sleep.

It’s the season to spend 10-12 hours at the library; studying. Then while everyone else spends their evenings inside, curled up on the couch under a blanket, enjoying the warmth from the fire; I go for a walk. I love feeling the cold wind bite my cheek; see my breath turn into smoke.  And it helps clear my head after long hours inside, reading at the library. Clear my head; make it ready for sleep.

All of the perfection, nothing will and can be made
The old skin has to shed before the new one sees the day
Opportunities to find the deeper powers in ourselves
Comes when life is breathing and seems more than what it is

~ Cape of Our Hero by Volbeat

I wish people could see the girl who comes to life inside the four walls of my apartment. I wish I could bring her with me outside. But every day she stays at home. You see, she’s afraid to go outside. Afraid people would make fun of her; think she’s weird. But I think she’s awesome. I don’t know what I’m afraid of. I have nothing to be afraid of. Why care about what strangers think? They’re just strangers.

Maybe it’s time to force her outside? Maybe it’s time to realize that she and I are one and the same? That where I go; she goes too. I can’t hide her away anymore. She is who I want to be; she is who I want people to see. I’m not crazy. I’m just a little weird. I’m a victim of my own mind.

In my perfect world you’re happy with me
When I picture it, it’s all heavenly
But this fairytale is just a story, see?
Life is such an unpredictable dream…

~ Feel me by Mecca Kalani

Poem

First you’re going to smile.

But then what?

What to do next?

♥ 

That’s the scary part.

Not knowing what will happen.  

What happens after the smile?

♥ 

Will it be returned or will be it ignored?

Will your dreams be crushed?

Or will your dreams come true?

♥ 

It’s time to take chances –  

Let down the wall

You need to open up and let people in

First you’re going to smile.

Take a chance –

See what happens 

©

Poem

I’m still a coward –

And a heartless bitch

I’m a heartbreaker,

I’m cold as ice

What am I afraid of?

What do I have to lose?

What do my eyes hide?

Can you see my soul?

I’m the great pretender

Pretending that I don’t care

Ignore you

When all I want is to meet your eyes

What am I afraid of?

What do I have to lose?

You were never mine

I have nothing to lose 

I’m arrogant; a coward; 

A heartless bitch

I’m afraid to fall 

But still, I want it all 

 

©

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Is it weird that walking in rain makes her happy?

The day got off on the wrong foot but ended up being a good day.

Is being seen, the same as being understood? Can the words a person writes tell you something about who she is – has been? Do you judge her by the words she writes even though they describe something happening a long time ago? Maybe it’s only now, when it’s in the distant past, she’s able to write it down; ready to tell the world. 

She doesn’t write for empathy. She writes so other people can understand where she comes from; why she is the girl she is today. Let people know where her insecurities come from. That no matter how much weight she has lost she still see her old self staring back in the mirror. 

They told her it would get better when she got older. That as soon as people got over the teenage years they would stop. Did they? The words might have stopped coming, but what they had said in the past still stuck with her. Being grown up didn’t erase that. As she got older and the past more distant she has been able to leave it all behind. She’s able to let it all go. But it takes time. And time goes fast; too fast sometimes.

She doesn’t know how much weight she has lost in kilos or pound. The number on the scale isn’t everything. But she can see she’s different and she feels different. It’s easier to run; easier to lift weights. Just hurrying home in the rain is easier. She isn’t out of breath after walking three flights of stairs – she used to – but not anymore. She does CrossFit once a week, who would have thought? 

Clothes fit her better. Some she has thrown away because they were just too big. Life isn’t a dark hole anymore. She has escaped. And instead of existing day by day; she’s living and making plans for the future. The pessimist is slowly becoming an optimist. It isn’t done overnight. It takes time. But time is moving forward; not backwards. She doesn’t live in the past anymore; she lives for the future. 

She is me.  I used to be broken. I used to be hurt. Now, I’m happy. Happy with who I’ve become and who I’m becoming. I’m not perfect but have realized that I never will be. I used to be a troubled soul; not anymore. I’ve realized that life is what you make of it. Happiness comes from within. I’m the maker of my own happiness. All I can do is aspire to become the best version of myself!

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What a wonderful day! I haven’t seen a single soul except for the people on my TV. I haven’t talked to single person except for myself. Don’t judge me. Just because I talk to myself sometimes doesn’t make me crazy. I needed this day to disconnect from the world; a day where I didn’t have to cover my face in make-up or care that my hair is a mess. So what if I didn’t get that much schoolwork done, I did at least some. And besides, I have plenty of days left to spend reading at the library. One day at home, away from reading won’t hurt. I’m going back to the library tomorrow if the cold I’m coming down with allows me.

It’s the change in weather; the sudden drop in temperature happening this week which gave me this cold. It’s the same every year. No matter if I start wearing warm sweaters and socks in October, I still get a cold.

So I spent this cold November day at home. Drinking coffee, watching some TV, doing some writing, a little reading – basically doing things at my own pace. I spent the day under a blanket on the couch and forgot the world outside my apartment. On days like this I always become a little nostalgic. I travel back to the past and compare it with the present. Somehow everything seemed to have changed. Then if I compare today with, say, last Thursday, nothing seem to have changed at all.

“Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different…”

Almost bedtime. I was supposed to be in bed an hour ago. But isn’t it funny how those nights you plan going to bed early are the nights you end up staying up late? But first I have to take a spoonful of cough syrup. I don’t like it but it helps. Makes my throat better. No point in putting it off any longer. It must be done.