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Let it go

The days come and go. I drink coffee after coffee. Some water in between. I eat; I sleep. I work out. I read. I write. I used to fear the future. I used to be scared of failure. I didn’t have confidence. I didn’t believe in myself. Five years and I finally feel confident on the road I find myself on. Finally, I feel I’m heading in the right direction. After five years living in the same city I’m finally ready for change. Time is running out. My time is running out. As the months pass by I’m getting closer to my dream. Every word I write; every page I read brings me one step closer. My motivation is on top. 

Spring is finally here and I love it. The days are brighter, the temperature is slowly rising and best of all – the sun is shining. It’s been a while since last time I wrote something other than on my bachelor thesis. I completely lost my inspiration. I had so many thoughts running wild in my head and it’s been hard to put them down on ‘paper’. I’ve been through a rough patch. I’ve been feeling down; lived in chaos. But where there once was chaos, order has to be restored right?

It’s been hard putting my feelings into words. Have I been happy; sad; depressed; tired; stressed out? I don’t know. All I know is that the days felt the same. I got up, I ate breakfast, I did some schoolwork, watched TV, drank cups and cups of coffee, did some more schoolwork, watched some more TV and drank some more coffee. I spent some time soaking up the sun, I went for long walks and I went to the gym. The past week I lived on autopilot. I was the chosen pessimist. I made a decision: I cancelled all my [unimportant] plans and decided to go about the days at my own pace. Eat what I want when I want. Do what I want when I want. It turned out that it was what I needed.

This past week has helped me back on track. I spent my week with the hot firefighters of Fire House 51 in Chicago Fire. After being away from the gym for two weeks after a knee injury I’m slowly feeling myself getting stronger again. After feeling down my mood is slowly coming back. I feel up to date with my schoolwork and I finally feel I have control when it comes to my BA-thesis.  In short, where there once was chaos, order has finally been restored!

I have always been afraid of the future – it scared me because I couldn’t control it. It has always been just a dream. Now I find the future exciting and a little bit scary but mostly exciting. The time is right and if I don’t do it now when will I ever do it? This is my chance and I decided to take it. I saw an opportunity and took it. I’m finally ready for a new adventure. After five years in one place the time is right to pack up my things and see the world – well, at least a little bit of it. The time is right to move on. But first two months of intense studying! 

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