Uncategorized

Bring me to life

I used to be angry at the world. Music dictated my mood and apathy consumed me. You never saw a smile on my face. If you did, I’ll bet you a 100 quid it was fake. I was a master of disguise. I hid behind masks. I consumed my weight in food and ate the pain away. I died a slow and painful death. Every day a little piece of me died. Because I wasn’t happy. Because I wasn’t alive. I didn’t live my life. I let the past define me and words haunt me. I cried. I screamed. But no one listened. There was no sound. No words. Only silence. Silent screams. 

I wasn’t like the others. Didn’t look like the others. Had different clothes. I used to be fat and insecure. I cried myself to sleep. I was excluded. Wasn’t pretty enough. Wasn’t skinny enough. I stopped trusting. Music and books became my friends. My escape. I consumed the words. Listened till my ears bled. Everywhere I went books and music came with me. Always. Never alone. 

It wasn’t until I moved away from home and started university I felt free. Free from the past. Like the Phoenix I rose from the ashes. I started running. Faster and faster. I tried running from my demons. I tried running away from the storm. Instead, I hit a wall and I fell hard. Down into the dark abyss. Surrounded by darkness I was lost. I was blind and couldn’t see. I pushed too hard. I ran too fast. I lost myself searching for someone else. Something else. I tried to be someone else. But I could only be me. 

I used to be angry at the world. Then I found myself [cliché, I know]. I found a better version of me. I found the golden mean. The desirable middle between two extremes. I continued to run. But stopped running away from the storm and stopped waiting for the storm to pass. Instead, I learned to dance in the rain. I found my place. Started to dream. Worked hard. Lived life. I found my way out. Out of the abyss. Out of darkness. Like the Phoenix I rose from the ashes. 

The past is the past. Life starts now; life is now. If you want to be happy, be… 

Uncategorized

Black filter coffee, please

Now that I’m about to accomplish one dream, I’ve started dreaming about the future again. Come August it’s time to grow up. Get a job and earn some money. Start saving up and sometime, way down the line, buy my own place. Decorate it after searching the web for inspiration; decorate it the way I want.

That’s why I need to get these assignments done.
My future is the only thing that keeps me going
and the only driving force I have left.

Some days there is neither inspiration nor motivation to go on. I’ve had enough. Six years is a long time. Two bachelor’s degrees and come August I hopefully have a master’s degree. Six years of studying. A ton of words read and written. Numerous cups of coffee. All those late nights. Not that many all-nighters. None I think. However, in 154 days – 5 months – it’s the end of an era and the dawn of a new.

How long is it going to take before someone reacts to that car alarm? It’s been sounding off for about 15 minutes now and I’m starting to believe it’s all in my head. But it isn’t. I swear. It happens a lot around here. Car alarms go off all the time.