Scribblings

Clandestiny

Silent all your life. Running without vision. Hollowed out inside. Wronging all that’s right. There’s no cost to be alive and no reason to escape from us. There’s no illness and no pain; haven’t found any suffering.

The road is long and bare. No clarity; no light. The moment came and swallowed us, blinding all our sight. We will keep you free from harm, all you have to do is stand with us. I will mend your wounded heart and resort the trials that you have lost.

Give your life so I can breathe. Save our lives, it’s all we need.

We can lead you under ground and devour our humanity. Follow me and follow sound to the end of your eternity.

Give your life so I can breathe. Save our lives, it’s all we need.

I have many memories from this place, both good and bad. It’s good to be back but I’ve changed since the last time I was here. I’ve come to realise that I’m not so dependent of the comfort I find here anymore. Finally, I’ve become the person I want to be. Finally, I’m free from the ties that binds me to this place.

Back when I used to live here I never used to this. Never. Not in a million years would the person I used to be go out, grab a bite and a drink alone. It’s been a struggle to get where I am today but when I move to London it didn’t take long before I did it all the time. And if  I could do it London then why not here? So, I grabbed a book and headed for what used to be my local pub.

Liberating is what it was!


Testing and trying out new beers have become a passion and interest of mine. In addition to getting my PGCE, it’s what I do for a living. I love it! There is plenty of liquid gold out there and trust me, I’m no talking about oil if that’s what you think!

I feel a sense of relief! I’ve only been here a day but who knew this was what I needed all along? All I needed was to get away [and someone to relieve the sexual frustration that has been building up for ages…]! I hopped on a train and let it take me away. Stayed a few nights in a hotel, had a fantastic breakfast and spent the days the way I wanted too.

When I returned after a year in London, I brought something back with me. It became a part of me and my lifestyle. People might think it’s weird – that I’m lonely. However, on a daily basis I’m constantly around people that when I finally get the chance to get out of the house apart from school and work, I’ve started to seize the opportunity instead of letting it slip away! So what if I’m alone in a pub, reading a book? That doesn’t necessarily mean I’m lonely, nor doesn’t mean I’m a loner.

Listen carefully and I’ll tell you what it means. It means I enjoy my own company and that I’m not dependent on other people!

There are a numerous of vacant tables… Why not sit there? Why did you have to invade my personal space? 


Liberate yourself from comparison and jealousy.

The leaves on the ground are dancing round and round in the wind. The only sound I hear is the music blasting in my ears. Puddles are drying in the sun. Schizophrenic weather is the correct terminology in my opinion. A few hours ago the rain came pouring down in buckets; now there isn’t a cloud in sight.

Rain… Rain… Rain… 

Is this seat taken? Yes! What a stupid question. Can’t you see there is obviously something sitting there? I’m sorry to have to be the one to telly you but I’m afraid that seat is reserved for my bag. You see I neither can nor wan’t to leave it on the floor. It’s too precious to me. But please don’t ask me how much it cost. It wasn’t really that expensive at all!


Lately, I’ve been wondering what the hell I’m doing. If it’s worth it, you know. Miles between us; cities apart. Why hold on to something that’s already dead?

Have you reached a verdict; made a decision? Have you truly made up your mind this time? Because this time it’s final. There’s no going back. You can’t play this stupid game anymore. He’s your could’ve been; should’ve been. But he never was and never will… I ask you again: have you come to a conclusion? 

Yes!

This time I have. I’ll admit I have mixed feelings about it but it’s not what I need anymore. I need my freedom. Freedom to do what I want with whomever I want. But I want you to know that I’m sad that it’s over but I also have to admit that I’m partly relieved and optimistic about the future.

He taught me to trust again. Taught me that not all men are bad and that it’s possible to let the wall down. I was afraid to lose you but you were never really mine. If only we’d had a second chance to meet for the first time. I wouldn’t have been the drugged and drunken girl you found walking alone on the street trying to find her way home. But you where there to save me and I will be forever grateful. Then the night comes and I’m all alone again…


I shed a few tears to today. I told myself not to cry because it’s over but instead smile because it happened! The missing piece of the puzzle is still out there, waiting to be found…

 

Scribblings

Afterwork

Alright, so here’s the thing: I’ve tried to stay anonymous. I’ve tried to hide behind the words that I write. I’ve tried to hide among common people. I’ve come to realise it’s not easy. It takes a lot of effort and hard work…

They call me ‘hell’. They call me ‘Stacey’. They call me ‘her’. They call me ‘Jane’. That’s not my name. That’s not my name. That’s not my name. That’s not my name. They call me ‘quiet’. But I’m a riot. Mary-Jo-Lisa. Always the same. That’s not my name. That’s not my name. That’s not my name. That’s not my name. 

Hell, actually that is my name. I applaud you. I salute you, even! After all these years you can still call me by my name! How on earth did you manage that? [sarcasm]

The past few months I’ve hated who I’ve become. But now? Oh, now life is pretty awesome – dare I say great? And it keeps coming down to being yourself.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I’ve renamed this blog from Scribblings of a Dreamer to Gone with the Wind on Wuthering Heights. In a way that sentence is an exact description of how I’ve been feeling for the past months. Yes, I’m perfectly aware that I haven’t changed the web address but don’t you worry about that because that my dear will never happen.

Tonight, I realised something. No, wait – this past week I’ve gradually come to realise something. Something that I deep down always have known but never lived by. Now, I can honestly say I’m living by it as well:

I’m being myself… and it is a self I’ve come to love! Self-esteem is a great thing…

This might end the post on a rude not, however, I don’t care. Be offended if you must. Here goes nothing. Hope grows inside me when I see people bigger than me out and about with people who [appears to] love them… it gives me hope that someday I’ll meet the cliche! Someday I too will experience this crazy little thing they call love!

I bet you’re picturing someone fat – someone gigantic/enormous in fact. But let me stop your fantasies right here and now… I’m not fat… I have what they nowadays call curves.

I know a lot of things and I’ve learnt a lot during my lifetime. But can someone please teach me how to flirt? But I have to warn you. I’m a lost cause…

Because who in this world could ever love a monster like me…?

Scribblings

/ɪnˌfatʃʊˈeɪʃ(ə)n

Infatuation is an intense but short-lived passion or admiration for someone [or something]. 

I could get lost in those eyes. When looking in my direction I’m secretly hoping they’re looking at me. And don’t forget that voice… Yup, she’s back! I’ve been down this road before… She’s found someone to rest her eyes upon during the lectures. She found him! Yet, then again… Why would he be single? He’s too handsome!

In the end, it doesn’t matter because I’ll only end up building a wall around myself. I’ll put my mask back on. Hide my vulnerability. Disguise that feeling I get in my body at all costs. Why do I still let love frighten me? Is it because I’ve been told too many times that I’m too ugly to be loved – too fat?

I wish I could describe your eyes. I wish I could tell you how the sound of your voice gives me butterflies and how your smile makes my heart skip a beat. I used to be invisible to the rest of the world. Then as if I was hit by lighting I decided it was time to take off my invisibility cloak. It was time to stop hiding.

From now on, I’m going to stop hating myself for what I’m not and start loving myself for who I am! I only wish I knew what he sees – if it is me he’s looking at…!?

Scribblings

3 May 2013, 23:27

I used to walk these hall every day. And every day, I dreaded walking these halls. What would they say? What would they do? Would they measure what I was wearing; how messy my hair was; how little make-up I had on? Never did I walk these halls with my head held high. I looked down. Out of fear. Fear of what might happen if my eyes caught theirs.

            What ya lookin’ at, freak?

I used to walk these halls afraid. I used to look at the floor, at people’s feet. Being back brings back memories, memories that still haunts me in my sleep, memories that turn my dreams to nightmares. Being back is making me wish I didn’t return. It’s too soon. So much has changed, and yet so little. It’s all coming back to me. I remember everything. How I used to hide out in the library. How being around books, especially the old classics – the love stories – became my comfort. My escape.

            Why did I come back for this? Why did I return? These people gave me nothing.

I returned for one reason, and one reason only: to show them I got over it. That no matter how much they tried, they could not break me. I returned to get my revenge. However, now I’m not sure I made the right decision. If I turned around and exited the building, no one would even know I had been here. It would be as it used to be. I would walk these halls as a ghost; a ghost longing for the great escape.

She stopped next to a row of lockers, took a deep breath and decided it wasn’t worth the pain. Instead of entering, she turned around and walked back the way she had come. That’s when she saw him. Her heart picked up the pace; her cheeks started burning. All she wanted was to disappear. Become the freak people didn’t always notice; one among the crowd.

There was only one problem, there was no crowd. He had seen her and she saw recognition in his eyes. Her feet was rooted to the spot. He was walking towards her and she couldn’t move. He looked even better now than he did in high school. College had been good to him and he was handsome in his suit. The closer he got, the more her body was shaking. She was so certain he had seen her. But, instead of saying hello, he walked past her and continued towards the cafeteria. Her heart exploded with pain and anger. She felt hurt. How could he still hate her after all these years?

Why did she come back for this? She should have known nothing good could have come from it. The people here had never given her anything. Her revenge wasn’t worth it. She was still walking these halls as a ghost. What good was revenge if they didn’t notice her – if they didn’t see her?