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It ain’t me

I had a dream, we were sipping whiskey neat. Highest floor, The Bowery and I was high enough. Somewhere along the lines we stopped seeing eye to eye. You were staying out all night and I had enough. No, I don’t want to know where you’ve been or where you’re going but I know I won’t be home and you’ll be on your own.

Who’s going to walk you through the dark side of the morning? Who’s going to rock you when the sun won’t let you sleep? Who’s waking up to drive you home when you’re drunk and all alone? Who’s going to walk you through the dark side of the morning? It ain’t me… 

I had a dream we were back to seventeen. Summer nights and the liberties, never growing up. I’ll take with me the Polaroids and the memories but you know I’m going to leave behind the worst of us.

Who’s going to walk you through the dark side of the morning? Who’s going to rock you when the sun won’t let you sleep? Who’s waking up to drive you home when you’re drunk and all alone? Who’s going to walk you through the dark side of the morning? It ain’t me… 

Kygo feat. Selena Gomez
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I’m back? (take two)

Hello there. It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I’ve neglected you, haven’t I? I’ve been distant and preoccupied with other things. I didn’t make you a priority and I’m sorry. Can you forgive me? Can we fix this and get back to the way things were? Is it possible? Did I mention I was sorry? Did I apologise?

Well, how long has it been? Three months?! Are you sure it’s been that long? That’s longer than I imagined. If only I had known. If only you had told me. Will you give a chance to explain? Did I have my chance; did I blew it?

The short version is that I lost my inspiration. It just disappeared. I had nothing to say; no words to write. But if you’ll give me a chance to make things right, I can’t promise I’ll check in and post something every day but what I can promise is that I’ll be better. Because it’s been a lonely life without you. And you know how I get when I let my toughts run wild and free in my head.

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11.02.2015

There are too many thoughts in my head. Running frantically round and round. Sometimes running a marathon. I try, but I can’t. I can’t  seem to write them down on a white piece of paper. They’re running too fast. Running away from me. I can’t catch a hold of them. There’s a whirlwind – a tornado if you like. Chaos.

There have been no walks in the fresh air. There have been no walks by the Thames, sipping my [black] coffee while music blasts in my ears. Volbeat. In Flames. Five Finger Death Punch. Or it might be the songs I’ve added to my March 2015 playlist. It all depends on my mood. There have been no walks by the Thames because I’ve been  sick. A runny nose, sore throat, and a little bit feverish. I’ve been exhausted. My body said stop and I nearly hit the wall. But I’m better now. 

I have a playlist consisting of 303 songs; one day, four hours, 46 minutes and 13 seconds. It’s an obsession. There’s a song to fit my every mood. It was created back in 2011 while I wrote my undergrad dissertation. I pressed play today when I finally could go for a walk along the Thames again. I hit shuffle and it was the best walk I’ve had for ages.

***

I tried to act normal and it was the worst five minutes of my life. I guess I’m just better at being weird. No, hang on, I’m better at being ME. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m not normal. Normal doesn’t exist in my vocabulary. I tried it once but I don’t ever want to do it again.

***

I’ve made very important plans for Saturday. It will be the best Saturday in ages. It’s going to be epic. I’m having a single’s party and you’re NOT invited. I’m buying loads of ice cream, whipped cream, and chocolate sauce. Oh, I’m not just going to buy it, I’m also going to eat it. Or, perhaps, I’ll buy a bottle of wine and drink it out of my new glass, a [stolen] souvenir from last Friday’s night out. All while watching House of Cards (season 2) or perhaps recap the last few episodes of Game of Thrones (season 4).

Guess it’s just another Saturday… Wait, hang on a minute, you’re saying it’s Valentine’s Da on Saturday? Well, it doesn’t matter because, as I’ve already told you, I have very important plans…

Do you  think I’m stupid? Don’t you think I know what day it is? How could anyone NOT know that Valentine’s Day is approaching? Even Starbucks had decorated their windows with hearts. And at WHSmith, it looked like Cupid had vomited all over the store!

Valentine’s Day is probably more fun if you’re in a relationship…

***

Putting on a fake smile is easier than explaining why you’re sad.

It’s less exhausting to live when you stop pretending to be someone you’re not.

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Philophobia

is fear of emotional attachment; fear of being in, or falling in love.

I’m only afraid of not being loved in return and I fear that I’ll only end up getting hurt (agliophobia). But then again, as Bertrand Russell writes in Marriage and Morals (1929: ch. 19):

To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead.

 

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Hello, it’s me…

…I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet to go over everything. They say that time’s supposed to heal ya, but I ain’t done much healing. Hello, can you hear me? [Hello by Adele]

My deepest apologies but I’ve been living off-the-grid for some time. After I completed my MA dissertation I needed time to heal. I never came back after nine days. When I finally escaped the zone, I found myself prisoned in a new one. Finishing my dissertation completely drained by battery; thwarted my inspiration and I didn’t feel like spending any more time in front of a computer. For while I went back to reading and stopped writing. Fifteen thousand words killed my inspiration. I lost my voice; my inspiration. I forgot how to write. Creating sentences with words was no longer an art I could master.

I’ve been absent for a very long time. I made a promise I couldn’t keep. I fell down a rabbit hole and ended up far away from Wonderland. There was no Queen of Hearts screaming “Off with their heads!”. Neither a rabbit with a pocket watch nor a mad hatter challenging me with his riddles.

Do you know me? Do you know my name? You might think you do but you don’t. If you were to guess: Where do you think I’m from? 

I took the anonymity of the World Wide Web for granted. Thought I could hide. For a moment I thought everyone I knew was reading the words I wrote and published. Paranoia got a hold of me. But I have remained anonymous. My cover has not been blown. You don’t know my name or my story.

There’s no excitement any more. No recognition of the hard work I do. No grades. No evaluation. Just people who think they’re better than me. I want out. I’m counting down the days. Till the end of April, they told me. I’ll hold you to it. Come May, I’ll be gone. I applied for a new job. I got a job interview this week. Hopefully, the outcome will be entirely positive. Edit: I got the job!

Once again I find myself at a crossroad and I don’t know which road to take. Do I go left, right or perhaps I should go straight ahead?

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Summer 2015

Some days people in general just annoy me. People who routinely slam the door shut when leaving or entering the hall. Especially, at five o’clock in the morning. People waiting for the bus but doesn’t move from where they’re standing to let other people pass. Come one people, the bus is huge and red, I don’t think you’re going to miss it. And it’s not going to drive past you if you move one or two steps.

Today, I’m a little bit angry at the world. Everything that could go wrong, has gone wrong this morning. That’s what happens when your woken up three hours before the alarm, just because people haven’t learned to close the door properly; just because some people think they’re the only one who live in this world. Therefore, I’ve decided to do exactly the same when I leave and enter the hall. I’m going to do it just because I can. And because I want to annoy people as much as they annoy me sometimes.

Other than that I’m pretty happy. I’m starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Two weeks and three days; I can do it! Why can’t I do it? With a little hard work, long hours in the library, some more work before bedtime (the library is only open till 7 pm) and I’ll be fine. Really. So, what if I don’t have a social life in the following two weeks and three days. This has been the ultimate goal all along. I’d rather work hard and submit something I’m proud of – something I can stand for – instead of thinking I could have done more! As long as I get my coffee, I’ll be fine. Let’s do this.