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When the world explodes…

…just put on some music and shake it off. Because haters are always going to hate. If at first you don’t succeed, try again, and again, and again. Try, until you finally get it right. Shy away from drama queens and divas. Don’t let them get to you. Defend yourself against false accusations. If you fall, pick yourself up. And, if you’re going through hell? Well, then just keep going. Power through. Rise above. Be the bigger person. Because you know the truth.

Times like these it sucks to be a long way from home and your only option is to Skype your parents. Texting your mum if she’s can meet on Skype and she replies ‘she is’ with a smiley face attached. However, this is not a call to catch up. This time your face is red and puffy from all the crying. Your voice cracks a little when you speak. The bad connection makes it difficult to fully comprehend what you’re saying.

Somehow, you manage to explain what’s going on, they give you the best advice they can and you know deep down they wish they could do more. That if they could, they would, be here faster than the Flash. But, it’s okay. Just talking to them on Skype helps. It’s okay. Because you know the truth and they know you. They know you wouldn’t do something like this. They know you’re not a criminal. They know you’re not a thief.

I was tired of keeping my mouth shut. I decided to speak up. But she wouldn’t listen. I tried to scream. But her mind was made up. Would I react this way if I was guilty?

I have many beginnings but no middle and certainly no end. They told me a long time ago writing would be therapeutic. It would keep me from going insane. Writing would help me process things. I came here to escape my demons. To get away. But looking back I realize it didn’t work. They’ve caught up with me. They drive me to madness, and makes this world a cold, dark and lonely place. I try to ignore them but they keep on talking. The voices. They won’t go away. I wish they would just leave me alone.

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What a wonderful day! I haven’t seen a single soul except for the people on my TV. I haven’t talked to single person except for myself. Don’t judge me. Just because I talk to myself sometimes doesn’t make me crazy. I needed this day to disconnect from the world; a day where I didn’t have to cover my face in make-up or care that my hair is a mess. So what if I didn’t get that much schoolwork done, I did at least some. And besides, I have plenty of days left to spend reading at the library. One day at home, away from reading won’t hurt. I’m going back to the library tomorrow if the cold I’m coming down with allows me.

It’s the change in weather; the sudden drop in temperature happening this week which gave me this cold. It’s the same every year. No matter if I start wearing warm sweaters and socks in October, I still get a cold.

So I spent this cold November day at home. Drinking coffee, watching some TV, doing some writing, a little reading – basically doing things at my own pace. I spent the day under a blanket on the couch and forgot the world outside my apartment. On days like this I always become a little nostalgic. I travel back to the past and compare it with the present. Somehow everything seemed to have changed. Then if I compare today with, say, last Thursday, nothing seem to have changed at all.

“Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different…”

Almost bedtime. I was supposed to be in bed an hour ago. But isn’t it funny how those nights you plan going to bed early are the nights you end up staying up late? But first I have to take a spoonful of cough syrup. I don’t like it but it helps. Makes my throat better. No point in putting it off any longer. It must be done.

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Down by the sea where the waves hit the shore walks a girl all to herself. No one can possible know what goes through her mind or what her heart truly desires. The waves give her inner peace; clears her mind and helps putting the pieces in the confusing puzzle that is her life, back together. Her heart has been broken and shattered; its color has turned grey. The raindrops mix with the salty tears running down her cheeks but since it is raining no one can see she’s crying. Her gaze turns to watch the horizon where the sun in a few hours will rise and gently shed its light on the deep blue ocean. Oh, how she longed to be one with the sea. Suddenly, she took one step, then another and before she knew it she was surrounded by water. Her tears washed away, she took one last breath and her lungs filled with water.

The ocean was colder than she imagined and the waves were stronger. They pulled her down towards the seabed and while she was pulled down she desperately tried to grasp hold of something but the water just flowed right through her fingers. Nothing to hold on to there was no way back. They say that when you die your life flashes before your eyes; one last time to enjoy your memories before you’re nothing else but a fragment in someone else’s memory. There were no flashes of memory; just darkness. Then suddenly something grabbed her tightly around her waist and pulled her towards the surface; or was it pulling her farther down? She had lost the direction; didn’t know which was up and what was down. Her mind had given up a long time ago – now her body could finally let go too. Her lungs were filling up with salt water and soon she would have to take her last breath. Finally, she could stop pretending and at long last her heart could one last time become red again.

There was a reason why she had chosen the ocean. Then she didn’t have to feel the tears and be reminded that she was alive; and how a part of her still desperately wanted to be alive. How could she do this? How could she inflict this pain on others? It would have been alright if she had been alone in the world but she wasn’t; she left behind a family who loved her deeply. And just like that it dawned on her what she was about to do. She did not want to die. She wanted to be alive. What if she sometimes hit rock bottom? She could find other ways to overcome that if she could only get above water and breathe in the fresh air. She tried to swim towards the surface but the current was too strong and pulled her down, and she realized it was a fight she was destined to lose. But she couldn’t give up without a fight; she wanted to continue living!