Is it weird that walking in rain makes her happy?
The day got off on the wrong foot but ended up being a good day.
Is being seen, the same as being understood? Can the words a person writes tell you something about who she is – has been? Do you judge her by the words she writes even though they describe something happening a long time ago? Maybe it’s only now, when it’s in the distant past, she’s able to write it down; ready to tell the world.
She doesn’t write for empathy. She writes so other people can understand where she comes from; why she is the girl she is today. Let people know where her insecurities come from. That no matter how much weight she has lost she still see her old self staring back in the mirror.
They told her it would get better when she got older. That as soon as people got over the teenage years they would stop. Did they? The words might have stopped coming, but what they had said in the past still stuck with her. Being grown up didn’t erase that. As she got older and the past more distant she has been able to leave it all behind. She’s able to let it all go. But it takes time. And time goes fast; too fast sometimes.
She doesn’t know how much weight she has lost in kilos or pound. The number on the scale isn’t everything. But she can see she’s different and she feels different. It’s easier to run; easier to lift weights. Just hurrying home in the rain is easier. She isn’t out of breath after walking three flights of stairs – she used to – but not anymore. She does CrossFit once a week, who would have thought?
Clothes fit her better. Some she has thrown away because they were just too big. Life isn’t a dark hole anymore. She has escaped. And instead of existing day by day; she’s living and making plans for the future. The pessimist is slowly becoming an optimist. It isn’t done overnight. It takes time. But time is moving forward; not backwards. She doesn’t live in the past anymore; she lives for the future.
She is me. I used to be broken. I used to be hurt. Now, I’m happy. Happy with who I’ve become and who I’m becoming. I’m not perfect but have realized that I never will be. I used to be a troubled soul; not anymore. I’ve realized that life is what you make of it. Happiness comes from within. I’m the maker of my own happiness. All I can do is aspire to become the best version of myself!
It had to come. The way I’ve been pushing myself lately I had to hit the wall, eventually. It would be a miracle if it was possible to keep going on the way I have.
Up at 6.30; coffee, breakfast and shower; be at the library by eight, preferably a few minutes before eight; study at the library until 5-6 o’clock; go home, change, eat a banana and then hit the gym; be at the gym for a few hours and have a kickass workout; go home, shower and eat dinner; then spend a few hours on the couch before bedtime.
Then you do it all over again the next day and the next until you reach the wall; until the day you hit the wall. The wall isn’t something you reach, it something hitting you in the face when you least expect it. It hits you at a time when you feel great but deep down you’re not. You’ve been pushing yourself too hard, have ignored the signs and just kept going. On Friday I hit that wall. After nearly 10 hours in the library I broke down when I came home.
Luckily, there was music and there was rain. So I went for a walk. I think I cried a bit too but who saw? It might as well have been rain.
I love the rain. I love when the ground gets wet. I love that after a little rain you might get lucky and see a rainbow glisten. I love the little puddles; and the big puddles. I become a child again. I jump in them. I don’t care who sees me. I live in my own world which is a little bit crazy; a little bit weird; and a little bit normal. My world is awesome, sometimes. Other times I wish it wasn’t my world. Times when everything seems to go wrong; when the world seems to be against me. But it doesn’t happen that often anymore, that the world is against me and it doesn’t last for days like it used to. I like to think it has something to do with me finally being able to change my life for the better.
I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions. Still, when the clock struck twelve on New Year’s Eve I promised myself that 2013 would be the year I finally fixed my life; fixed my world. I promised myself that 2013 would be the year I finally fixed what was broken years ago; I decided that I wasn’t going to let it define me anymore. Because why let my past define who I am, when I’m clearly not that girl anymore? When it’s evident I’ve actually changed? And I’ve changed a lot; not just the four-five months since 2013 started but since I moved away from home four-five years ago. That’s when I started changing. It’s taken me awhile but I finally feel it. I finally feel the change.
The girl in the mirror has confidence. Finally she’s smiling. An inner joy is filling her body and puts a big smile on her face. The girl in the mirror has been through so much; and changed so much. The girl she used to be belongs to the past; the girl she’s become is the one she wants to be. The girl in the mirror has shape – an hourglass body shape is indicated with a dress she just a few months ago didn’t fit. The girl in the mirror has used energy and strength to get to where she is today. Energy and strength she didn’t even know she had. But everything has gone in the positive direction. The girl in the mirror is satisfied; satisfied with how life has turned out. The girl in the mirror is proud; proud of whom she become. No one can take away her pride. The girl in the mirror dares to be herself; she has a dream. The girl in the mirror has huge dreams; dreams she one day wish to accomplish.
The girl in the mirror has my hair, my face and my body. The girl in the mirror resembles me. We could be twins. The girl in the mirror is smiling; smiling because she finally feels she on the right road in life. The girl in the mirror is smiling because she has so many great people in her life. The girl in the mirror is satisfied. The girl in the mirror has changed since she moved away from home four years ago. The girl in the mirror has lost weight. The girl in the mirror works out on a daily basis.
But does everybody else see what the girl in the mirror sees?
The girl in the mirror is me and I would like to tell you my story. I wish for some day that my words will give you the chills and bring tears in your eyes. Most of all I want my stories to show you why I have been so strong; so protective of myself. I want my stories to give you something to think about; how you behave and treat others around you. Because friends don’t grow on trees, and friends don’t just appear out of the blue. You have to make an effort. You have to take initiative. But for some that can be difficult. They have thoughts which give them low self-esteem; they think too much about how other people perceive them and forget to be themselves. They get lost in the crowd and forget to speak up. But I’m done being one among the crowd; I’m done not daring to speak up – I’m ready to be me. The girl in the mirror is me and she is a person; a person who is worth something.
To all the girls who think they’re fat because they’re not a size zero. You’re the beautiful one. It’s society that’s ugly.
Sick and tired. Sick and tired of it all. I’m sick and tired of the stress. What if I don’t pass my exams; what if I don’t get a summer job? What if I didn’t workout long enough today? What if I eat too much dinner? What if I make brownies later? Will I gain all the calories I ran away today?
Society is ugly. Telling us how to look, what to wear and what will make us happy. Society tells us in order to be beautiful you have to be a size zero and you need to have the perfect body. So we work our asses off. Especially those of us who can’t eat what we want and still look thin. We work out till we feel the vomit in our throat. We swallow it down with some water and continue. We run until we’re dizzy and about to faint. We push ourselves harder and harder for each time. Because society tells us that we’re not beautiful unless we’re a size zero.
We search the web for thinspiration because that’s the new hype. That’s what everybody is supposed to look like, according to social media. What about those of us who have curves? Those of us who no matter what – no matter how much we work out – will never be skinny? Those of us who have hips, ass, breasts and thighs; what about us? We judge ourselves in the mirror because we don’t measure up to society’s standards.
We are thought to believe that what boys want – what guys want – is a blond, skinny bitch. Yes, I call them skinny bitches. They’re my enemies. They’re the ones who constantly made me feel like a losers, who made me feel ugly and fat. They’re the ones who used to make my life a living hell. They’re the ones who thought they were perfect with their blond hair, tight jeans, one-size-too-small top, and who got all the attention from boys. They made the rest of us, who wasn’t like them, feel less about ourselves; using words and action. They measured us from head to toe. But where are these girls today?
But society doesn’t consist of just skinny bitches and we can’t all amount to become one. We are all individuals of different size and body shape. We can’t let society dictates how we’re supposed to look like. We need to believe that in our own way we are beautiful just the way we are. We’re not supposed to change anything in order for a guy to love us – in order for society to be right. We’re supposed to change if, and only if, it makes us feel good about ourselves; if it helps with our self-confidence. Don’t change because society tells you to, change because you want to.