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Summer 2015

Some days people in general just annoy me. People who routinely slam the door shut when leaving or entering the hall. Especially, at five o’clock in the morning. People waiting for the bus but doesn’t move from where they’re standing to let other people pass. Come one people, the bus is huge and red, I don’t think you’re going to miss it. And it’s not going to drive past you if you move one or two steps.

Today, I’m a little bit angry at the world. Everything that could go wrong, has gone wrong this morning. That’s what happens when your woken up three hours before the alarm, just because people haven’t learned to close the door properly; just because some people think they’re the only one who live in this world. Therefore, I’ve decided to do exactly the same when I leave and enter the hall. I’m going to do it just because I can. And because I want to annoy people as much as they annoy me sometimes.

Other than that I’m pretty happy. I’m starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Two weeks and three days; I can do it! Why can’t I do it? With a little hard work, long hours in the library, some more work before bedtime (the library is only open till 7 pm) and I’ll be fine. Really. So, what if I don’t have a social life in the following two weeks and three days. This has been the ultimate goal all along. I’d rather work hard and submit something I’m proud of – something I can stand for – instead of thinking I could have done more! As long as I get my coffee, I’ll be fine. Let’s do this.

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Black filter coffee, please

Now that I’m about to accomplish one dream, I’ve started dreaming about the future again. Come August it’s time to grow up. Get a job and earn some money. Start saving up and sometime, way down the line, buy my own place. Decorate it after searching the web for inspiration; decorate it the way I want.

That’s why I need to get these assignments done.
My future is the only thing that keeps me going
and the only driving force I have left.

Some days there is neither inspiration nor motivation to go on. I’ve had enough. Six years is a long time. Two bachelor’s degrees and come August I hopefully have a master’s degree. Six years of studying. A ton of words read and written. Numerous cups of coffee. All those late nights. Not that many all-nighters. None I think. However, in 154 days – 5 months – it’s the end of an era and the dawn of a new.

How long is it going to take before someone reacts to that car alarm? It’s been sounding off for about 15 minutes now and I’m starting to believe it’s all in my head. But it isn’t. I swear. It happens a lot around here. Car alarms go off all the time.

London

Superwoman

This has been one of those days were I feel like superwoman. I can do it all. Live an ordinary life alongside being a superhero. Waking up early is fantastic. I’ve gotten so much done today. Read articles and wrote a few paragraphs of my essay before I travelled to central London. Walked around central; bought tea at Harrods; walked all the way around Buckingham Palace. Just because I turned right and headed down the wrong street, but, it didn’t matter because the sun was shining. I met up with friends for a pint; walked some more before I took a break at Starbucks, just off Regent Street, read a few pages while drinking my Mocha Frappuccino. Then I continued down Regent Street, popped into Boots and bought some necessities, and then finally heading down to the underground. Took the Piccadilly Line, during rush hour, to Hammersmith, bought some food at Sainsbury’s, and then finally took the bus home. Home to eat dinner and watch one episode of the many TV-shows I follow, the rest of the evening I’ll have to spend working on my essay. I had a good feeling about it this morning and it made me a little bit more motivated to get it done. Because today I’m Superwoman. Or, I guess waking up early isn’t fantastic when you’re tired at nine o’clock. I don’t feel like spending hours working on my essay, instead I’m cold, tired and I want to sleep. However, I can’t,there have to be words read and written before I can go to sleep. Besides, Superwoman doesn’t go to bed at nine anyway!

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Monday is here again

There is one thing that is always certain and that is after Sunday comes Monday. A new week; a fresh start. I’ve been trying to be a good student but this cold I’ve been battling had me confined to bed pretty much all of last week. Runny nose, sore throat, headache, and perhaps a bit feverish. But I’m better now. It should be a good sign that all I want is to put on my trainer’s and go for a long walk in the fresh air. But it will have to wait until Wednesday.

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London

Manic Monday

Mail collection closes at five pm, that’s fine. But when does it open? Not nine apparently… I know it might be early to some people but I’ve decided to have one of those long days in the library. I’m inspired to write my essays. Because the sooner I finish them or the more time I spend writing them – the faster time goes. And I want it to fly by! I wan’t it to be Christmas already, I want to go home, I want to be on that plane taking me home to my parents, I want to eat good food (not lazy food cooked after hours in the library), I want to sleep in, curl up on the couch with a good book and drink hot chocolate with cream on top, and most of all I want to go home so I can buy a new computer. My life would be so much easier… Digression, let’s get back on track. So you see, I won’t be home before five today either so I thought I could collect it [my mail/letter] on the way. But I was wrong. But here’s a tip: put up a sign displaying the opening hours instead of being mean when I politely ask if there’s any mail. Thank you!, that would be much appreciated.

As if that wasn’t enough, then I meet these people standing on the pavement, waiting for the bus. Some of them have probably been waiting in the same spot for minutes and are afraid to give it up. They’re afraid they won’t get on the bus. I wouldn’t worry, the bus is not going to leave without you. But, honey, when people are trying to pass by from both directions you need to move. Not everyone is lazy and take the bus a few stop to main campus. Some of us actually enjoy the walk. And hey, it takes you like ten-fifteen minutes, the same time you spend out here waiting in the cold for the bus. I realize some of them are probably going to work somewhere else, but still, you have to move… I though English people were supposed to be polite?

Finally, I reach Starbucks – holy ground. It brings me my daily drug. I get my coffee (paid for it of course) and all is good in the world. And yes, I did get my letter.

Now, I’m in my spot at the library. Yes, I have a little female Sheldon in me. Don’t judge. It’s time to get these essays done. Maybe I need another cup of coffee first? It’s just one of those Mondays where coffee is the only thing that helps and it does help my motivation too, you know…

Step aside Monday, this is a job for coffee!

I’m still alive and well. There are now five days (counting today) until my first deadline: three essays and 9500 words in total; there are seven days until my second deadline: 10 minute presentation; and there are 8 days until my third deadline: 5-10 minute presentation (still a little confused about that one). I think I’m going to make it. Got one essay done, the worst one, another one almost done [plan to get it done by today] and the last essay, well I might get it done either today or tomorrow. It all depends on how inspired I’ll be. It looks promising though, I got a good night sleep and there is so much to look forward too after the essays are done. That alone is enough to motivate me!

Let’s start typing!!!

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creativity/writing ability

Does drugs/alcohol enhance your creativity/writing ability?

Peter De Vries (Reuben, Reuben):

“Sometimes I write drunk and revise sober, and sometimes I write sober and revise drunk. But you have to have both elements in creation — the Apollonian and the Dionysian, or spontaneity and restraint, emotion and discipline.”

I have never taken drugs; the only drug in my system is caffeine. I usually drink alcohol with friends and I have never with purpose poured myself a glass of wine or grabbed a bottle of beer to enhance my creativity/writing ability. However, I have after being out all night dancing with friends found myself seeing the world with a different pair of glasses which have led me to write. But most often the writing is words of gibberish and gobbledygook, and doesn’t result anything. No matter how much I edit.

I stumbled upon this question on http://jodiellewellyn.wordpress.com/ and it made me think. Lately, I’ve been struggling with my inspiration and my writing progress has been slow. It’s not as if I’m working on something particular, I just find writing – both long and shorter stories – to be therapeutically. It’s my way of sorting out the chaos and end the war that sometimes goes on in my mind. I guess I’ve lived a peaceful life this summer because lately there has been no chaos and there has been no war.

Coffee is my drug of choice. Then again is coffee really a drug? Caffeine is a drug (and not a vitamin); it’s a stimulant drug. It’s bitter, white crystalline xanthine alkaloid. The chemical formula is C8H10N4O2. Then again as long as you don’t have any stomach problems or sleep issues coffee do contain several antioxidants which reduce the risk of cancer. My home runs on love, laughter and cups of strong coffee. Caffeine is non-negotiable. All you need is love and more coffee; it should be black as hell, strong as death, and sweet as love.

Dream, believe, achieve, repeat.

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Let it go

The days come and go. I drink coffee after coffee. Some water in between. I eat; I sleep. I work out. I read. I write. I used to fear the future. I used to be scared of failure. I didn’t have confidence. I didn’t believe in myself. Five years and I finally feel confident on the road I find myself on. Finally, I feel I’m heading in the right direction. After five years living in the same city I’m finally ready for change. Time is running out. My time is running out. As the months pass by I’m getting closer to my dream. Every word I write; every page I read brings me one step closer. My motivation is on top. 

Spring is finally here and I love it. The days are brighter, the temperature is slowly rising and best of all – the sun is shining. It’s been a while since last time I wrote something other than on my bachelor thesis. I completely lost my inspiration. I had so many thoughts running wild in my head and it’s been hard to put them down on ‘paper’. I’ve been through a rough patch. I’ve been feeling down; lived in chaos. But where there once was chaos, order has to be restored right?

It’s been hard putting my feelings into words. Have I been happy; sad; depressed; tired; stressed out? I don’t know. All I know is that the days felt the same. I got up, I ate breakfast, I did some schoolwork, watched TV, drank cups and cups of coffee, did some more schoolwork, watched some more TV and drank some more coffee. I spent some time soaking up the sun, I went for long walks and I went to the gym. The past week I lived on autopilot. I was the chosen pessimist. I made a decision: I cancelled all my [unimportant] plans and decided to go about the days at my own pace. Eat what I want when I want. Do what I want when I want. It turned out that it was what I needed.

This past week has helped me back on track. I spent my week with the hot firefighters of Fire House 51 in Chicago Fire. After being away from the gym for two weeks after a knee injury I’m slowly feeling myself getting stronger again. After feeling down my mood is slowly coming back. I feel up to date with my schoolwork and I finally feel I have control when it comes to my BA-thesis.  In short, where there once was chaos, order has finally been restored!

I have always been afraid of the future – it scared me because I couldn’t control it. It has always been just a dream. Now I find the future exciting and a little bit scary but mostly exciting. The time is right and if I don’t do it now when will I ever do it? This is my chance and I decided to take it. I saw an opportunity and took it. I’m finally ready for a new adventure. After five years in one place the time is right to pack up my things and see the world – well, at least a little bit of it. The time is right to move on. But first two months of intense studying! 

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What a wonderful day! I haven’t seen a single soul except for the people on my TV. I haven’t talked to single person except for myself. Don’t judge me. Just because I talk to myself sometimes doesn’t make me crazy. I needed this day to disconnect from the world; a day where I didn’t have to cover my face in make-up or care that my hair is a mess. So what if I didn’t get that much schoolwork done, I did at least some. And besides, I have plenty of days left to spend reading at the library. One day at home, away from reading won’t hurt. I’m going back to the library tomorrow if the cold I’m coming down with allows me.

It’s the change in weather; the sudden drop in temperature happening this week which gave me this cold. It’s the same every year. No matter if I start wearing warm sweaters and socks in October, I still get a cold.

So I spent this cold November day at home. Drinking coffee, watching some TV, doing some writing, a little reading – basically doing things at my own pace. I spent the day under a blanket on the couch and forgot the world outside my apartment. On days like this I always become a little nostalgic. I travel back to the past and compare it with the present. Somehow everything seemed to have changed. Then if I compare today with, say, last Thursday, nothing seem to have changed at all.

“Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different…”

Almost bedtime. I was supposed to be in bed an hour ago. But isn’t it funny how those nights you plan going to bed early are the nights you end up staying up late? But first I have to take a spoonful of cough syrup. I don’t like it but it helps. Makes my throat better. No point in putting it off any longer. It must be done.

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Where did the summer go? The weather lately has been reminding more of fall with heavy rain, thunderstorms and wind. And it’s only a short week left. On Friday I head back to university. Two months have flown by, a little too fast if you ask me. But I’m not complaining. I have done so much; worked a lot, read a lot, drank a lot of coffee, saw Hangover Part III, drove around my hometown with and without purpose, went to Krakow with my mother, and made a new playlist. I’ve been to a tons of weddings; making desserts, plating and serving food, cleaning and carrying heavy boxes. I spent two weeks in preschool making new friends. Little people (kids), but nonetheless, I made new friends.

Krakow was amazing. I had so much fun. Good food; good drinks. Cheap beer; good beer. And a lot of shopping. We stayed at Andel’s Hotel the closest neighbor being Galeria Krakowska, a huge shopping mall, and it was only a short walk down to the market square.  It’s been a while since I was abroad. Since I started studying four years ago I’ve spent my summers working. I did a lot of shopping; running shoes from Nike and they’re amazing, clothes, make-up, and perfume.

It’s been a while since the last time I felt inspired. Inspired to write, that is. I’m still not in a writer’s mood. There’s nothing stuck in my head; nothing to write down. Instead, I’ve been reading a lot. And I started running again after a few weeks where my energy level was at the bottom. And my motivation was lacking.  Exercise wasn’t a priority. That changed after I found some new running shoes; that was all the motivation I needed. They had to be tested. My writing is a different matter. A small part of me feels there is something hiding underneath, waiting to see the light – waiting to be put on paper. But every time I’ve tried it only become one sentence or it doesn’t sound good, and it isn’t what was in my head. Instead, I’ve been reading a lot. To maybe find inspiration in others’ work. A lot might be an understatement, the past two weeks I’ve practically been reading one book a day, each book about 400-500 pages.

The plan was to go out for a run but it started to rain. I don’t like to run in rain. It makes me wet; makes the ground wet. So instead I’ll stay inside, drink some coffee, eat some chocolate and read a good book.

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I feel so inspired these days. I can write for hours. I guess it’s been some time. Maybe it’s the change of location; maybe it’s the fact that I don’t have any finals to study for. I’m not complaining. It’s just a little weird, this sudden feeling of inspiration that seems to have hit me. There’s a story unfolding in my head. Don’t know if I’ll ever publish any of it here. But it’s a story of romance and finding yourself. Going from living life as a wallflower to living a life where people see you – a life where you hide away in the background but instead are visible. Making yourself heard above the noise of everyone else.

With coffee and dark chocolate today is a day best spent inside. Outside the weather reminds more of fall than summer. The wind is blowing in the trees; rain is falling from the sky. I finished my last final of the year only a week ago but it feels so much longer. I have done so much. Enjoyed good food, served at a wedding (for 10 hours), got a little tanned, bought new clothes – summer clothes, I’ve spent time relaxing – sleeping, reading novels, and I’ve polished plates, glasses and silverware.

It feels as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. There are no dark clouds hanging over me. Nothing I have to do; nothing I must do. Tuesday I felt I was in Downton Abbey polishing silverware, plates and glasses, all that was missing was the right fashion. The beautiful post-world war one fashion.

I guess things haven’t really changed. I still drink the same amount of coffee I did while studying for finals. I still read, only now I finally get to enjoy all the novels I’ve saved this semester. I got to read The Perks of being a Wallflower one more time (I’ve lost count how many times I’ve read it). But the story never seize to amaze me. It gets me every time. Charlie is such a magnificent character – a wallflower.

There’s a light drizzle in the air. Can’t the weather make up its mind? Either rain or let the sun shine.

I haven’t worked out in over a week and I don’t care. I haven’t had the time, it hasn’t been a priority of mine. I listened to my body and it needed relaxing. My knees needed to heal. Today I finally went for that run. I beat my time from last year. There has been progress since the beginning of last august.

Life is great.

I think this will be a great summer.

[written on Thursday, June 13th 2013]