London

thoughts

I’m a victim of my own mind. They always appear late at night. Always at the time when I’m tired and all I really want to do is get some sleep. But I can’t because they’re depriving me of it. They’re running wild, from this to that. Always asking questions I can’t answer. Making my heart beat faster and stressing me out. I try to tune them out but it’s not easy when they’re stuck inside my head. They make me scared, make me doubt myself and believe I can’t do this; that I will be a failure. But I refuse to let them get to me. Why can’t I do this?

Time and again I refuse to let them get to me; this is my dream and always has been my dream. Of course I’m going to make it; this is what I want. What I’ve always wanted, so why can’t I? I’m going to prove them wrong. All of those who doubted me in the past, and I’m going to prove my own thoughts wrong.  I’ve decided to turn my back on the past. History is designed to be rewritten.

“When you’re tired of London, you’re tired of life.”

There’s no place like London. It’s not just another capital city. There’s something special about it. It’s my Wonderland. It’s a thriving metropolis with a unique personality formed by iconic landmarks, centuries of history, world-class shopping and achingly cool fashion, arts and food scenes. I can’t wait to get there. All right, that’s a little white lie. I’m going to London but I’m going to a suburban district south-west in London. Still, the metropolitan part of London is only 20-30 minutes away and the transport system in London with its underground, overground, trains and busses will take you anywhere you would like to go.

“A bad day in London is still better than a good day anywhere else.”

But most days I’m looking forward to this new adventure I’m soon embarking on. I’ve decided to wake up and chase my dreams, instead of continue to sleep with them [my dreams].

 

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Poem · Uncategorized

I have a dream

The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now (Bill Cosby). Life waits for no one. Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans (John Lennon). Hard work pays off. In the end it will be worth it. Everything I did, I did to make my dream come true. Countless hours spent at the library and countless cups of coffee. . Just hope it has been enough. All the roads I’ve taken has finally led me to this. Once again I find myself at a crossroad – this time I now which road I want to take. I just hope my efforts haven’t been in vain. I just hope my efforts have’t been for nothing. One week from now I’ll have my answer. The answer to my question. Will my dream come true?

Maybe I have hopes too high for life?
Maybe I expect too much?
Thinking, hoping and wishing
Dreams that will never come true.
I am a victim of my own mind
I am my worst critic.
I dream big and have high hopes
What if nothing works out?
Then again what if it does?
(2013)

It has always been the same dream…
I walk the streets with a book bag on my shoulder; music blasting in my ears. I’m on my way to the library; THE library.  Surrounded by books; old and new, the library has an atmosphere making you want to study – it’s motivating you. It’s where I belong. Finally, I’m home. After studying I’m once again walking the streets. I’m on my way to my favorite coffee shop in this town. It’s neither too big nor too small; just the right size. The waitress/waiter recognizes me and tells me my regular will be right up. I find a vacant seat by the window, find my book and disappear into a different world. Sometimes I would also write as I take in the world just outside the window. People hurrying by; some off to meetings, others talking on their phone. All of them drink their coffee on the go. Everyone is in a hurry. Not taking breaks. Not stopping for anything. They’re always on their way from something, to something else. They don’t stop for a second and just enjoy life. Listen to the silence.  My coffee arrives and I’m brought back to reality. I still can’t believe this is my life; how far I’ve come. I worked hard to get here, spent countless hours studying but for this it was all worth it. Trust me. It was worth because I get to live my dream. 

This isn’t my life, yet. It’s just a dream. It’s always just a dream. Always the same dream. Every time I wake up I’, back in my cold [messy] room. But I will live my dream. Someday I will wake up and my room will be in that town. I will walk those streets, drink that coffee and study at that library. Someday it won’t just be a dream. Someday it will be my life!

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Let it go

The days come and go. I drink coffee after coffee. Some water in between. I eat; I sleep. I work out. I read. I write. I used to fear the future. I used to be scared of failure. I didn’t have confidence. I didn’t believe in myself. Five years and I finally feel confident on the road I find myself on. Finally, I feel I’m heading in the right direction. After five years living in the same city I’m finally ready for change. Time is running out. My time is running out. As the months pass by I’m getting closer to my dream. Every word I write; every page I read brings me one step closer. My motivation is on top. 

Spring is finally here and I love it. The days are brighter, the temperature is slowly rising and best of all – the sun is shining. It’s been a while since last time I wrote something other than on my bachelor thesis. I completely lost my inspiration. I had so many thoughts running wild in my head and it’s been hard to put them down on ‘paper’. I’ve been through a rough patch. I’ve been feeling down; lived in chaos. But where there once was chaos, order has to be restored right?

It’s been hard putting my feelings into words. Have I been happy; sad; depressed; tired; stressed out? I don’t know. All I know is that the days felt the same. I got up, I ate breakfast, I did some schoolwork, watched TV, drank cups and cups of coffee, did some more schoolwork, watched some more TV and drank some more coffee. I spent some time soaking up the sun, I went for long walks and I went to the gym. The past week I lived on autopilot. I was the chosen pessimist. I made a decision: I cancelled all my [unimportant] plans and decided to go about the days at my own pace. Eat what I want when I want. Do what I want when I want. It turned out that it was what I needed.

This past week has helped me back on track. I spent my week with the hot firefighters of Fire House 51 in Chicago Fire. After being away from the gym for two weeks after a knee injury I’m slowly feeling myself getting stronger again. After feeling down my mood is slowly coming back. I feel up to date with my schoolwork and I finally feel I have control when it comes to my BA-thesis.  In short, where there once was chaos, order has finally been restored!

I have always been afraid of the future – it scared me because I couldn’t control it. It has always been just a dream. Now I find the future exciting and a little bit scary but mostly exciting. The time is right and if I don’t do it now when will I ever do it? This is my chance and I decided to take it. I saw an opportunity and took it. I’m finally ready for a new adventure. After five years in one place the time is right to pack up my things and see the world – well, at least a little bit of it. The time is right to move on. But first two months of intense studying! 

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I got so caught up in the moment that I forgot I was tired. I forgot the time. I forgot I was listening to music. I didn’t do what I was supposed to do. Instead of studying I changed the focus; instead I focused on my future. I used the evening to think – to debate. And I think the voices in my head are finally in agreement. We’re going to do this and even though it’s scary we’ll do it together.

I think my lifelong dream might come true if every piece of the puzzle find its rightful place. If I only dare to take this step my dream will come true. How I wish my dream would come true. This, ladies and gentlemen, is all I’ve ever dreamed of. And I will make it happen. The future is mine, and mine alone!

Dream it, wish it, do it!

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Sometimes you need to be alone, in order to find out who you really are and what you really want.

It felt like I had gotten lost but along the way I found myself. I found the courage to be myself. I discovered the way to happiness. I searched for so long and never realized that the answer was simple. I have to let go of the past; what people thought of me doesn’t matter. What people think of me doesn’t matter. Who are they to judge me? What gives them the right to judge me? They don’t know me; they don’t know who I am – who I was. Why should I let people label me when they don’t know me?

I have survived my entire life up until this point. I survived the pain, the heartbreaks, the devastation, and the bullying. I survived all the different phases in my life up until this point and here I am; stronger than I ever have been. Why should I let the past define who I am today; how I act today? I survived the past and now it’s time to let go, and move on. Create memories to replace the nightmares.

Look at me, there has to be something more than what they see; wholesome and pure, also scared and unsure. A poor man’s Sandra Dee. Sandy, you must start anew. Don’t you know what you must do? Hold your head high, take a deep breath and sigh “Goodbye to Sandra Dee”. 

So fuck them. Fuck them all. I’m going to walk with my head held high and show them all. I’m going to show them that the shy and quiet girl is gone. She doesn’t exist anymore. I want so much in this world but I won’t get it by being shy and quiet. Not sit idle by and wait for love or other great things to happen. If I don’t go after what I want, I’ll never have it.

Beauty isn’t just looks. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Beauty is your personality. Beauty is your heart. Beauty is you. There isn’t just one definition of beauty same as there isn’t only one model of what’s beautiful.

It’s not just about the dream. Anyone can dream a dream. But a dream is only a dream. If you want it to happen, make it happen. Don’t just dream it, night after night. Do something about that dream. Make your dreams real. I believe in you. You can do it; time to be brave; time to be courageous. This is your life; live it!

I’m not perfect. I never will be. I am me and it’s exactly who I want to be.

They might try to tell you how you can live your life. But don’t, don’t forget it’s your right to do whatever you like. ‘Cause you could be your own spotlight. You could be the star, you could shine so bright. You could be your own spotlight. 

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The girl in the mirror has confidence. Finally she’s smiling. An inner joy is filling her body and puts a big smile on her face. The girl in the mirror has been through so much; and changed so much. The girl she used to be belongs to the past; the girl she’s become is the one she wants to be. The girl in the mirror has shape – an hourglass body shape is indicated with a dress she just a few months ago didn’t fit. The girl in the mirror has used energy and strength to get to where she is today. Energy and strength she didn’t even know she had. But everything has gone in the positive direction. The girl in the mirror is satisfied; satisfied with how life has turned out. The girl in the mirror is proud; proud of whom she become. No one can take away her pride. The girl in the mirror dares to be herself; she has a dream. The girl in the mirror has huge dreams; dreams she one day wish to accomplish.  

The girl in the mirror has my hair, my face and my body. The girl in the mirror resembles me. We could be twins. The girl in the mirror is smiling; smiling because she finally feels she on the right road in life. The girl in the mirror is smiling because she has so many great people in her life. The girl in the mirror is satisfied. The girl in the mirror has changed since she moved away from home four years ago. The girl in the mirror has lost weight. The girl in the mirror works out on a daily basis.

But does everybody else see what the girl in the mirror sees?

The girl in the mirror is me and I would like to tell you my story. I wish for some day that my words will give you the chills and bring tears in your eyes. Most of all I want my stories to show you why I have been so strong; so protective of myself. I want my stories to give you something to think about; how you behave and treat others around you. Because friends don’t grow on trees, and friends don’t just appear out of the blue. You have to make an effort. You have to take initiative. But for some that can be difficult. They have thoughts which give them low self-esteem; they think too much about how other people perceive them and forget to be themselves. They get lost in the crowd and forget to speak up. But I’m done being one among the crowd; I’m done not daring to speak up – I’m ready to be me. The girl in the mirror is me and she is a person; a person who is worth something.