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Black filter coffee, please

Now that I’m about to accomplish one dream, I’ve started dreaming about the future again. Come August it’s time to grow up. Get a job and earn some money. Start saving up and sometime, way down the line, buy my own place. Decorate it after searching the web for inspiration; decorate it the way I want.

That’s why I need to get these assignments done.
My future is the only thing that keeps me going
and the only driving force I have left.

Some days there is neither inspiration nor motivation to go on. I’ve had enough. Six years is a long time. Two bachelor’s degrees and come August I hopefully have a master’s degree. Six years of studying. A ton of words read and written. Numerous cups of coffee. All those late nights. Not that many all-nighters. None I think. However, in 154 days – 5 months – it’s the end of an era and the dawn of a new.

How long is it going to take before someone reacts to that car alarm? It’s been sounding off for about 15 minutes now and I’m starting to believe it’s all in my head. But it isn’t. I swear. It happens a lot around here. Car alarms go off all the time.

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‘Curiouser and Curiouser!’

I’m lost. Lost between dreams and reality. I live in a world between dreams and reality. It’s my world. It’s a world where everything is nonsense. But, it would be so nice if something made sense for a change. If I only knew where to find the closet, I would go to Narnia. If I knew the right direction, I would fly to Neverland. If I met a White Rabbit with a pocket watch, I would follow him down the rabbit hole and venture into the unknown. I would eat the cake that said, “eat me” and I would drink from the bottle which said “drink me”.

If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn’t. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn’t be. And what it wouldn’t be, it would. You see?

London

thoughts

I’m a victim of my own mind. They always appear late at night. Always at the time when I’m tired and all I really want to do is get some sleep. But I can’t because they’re depriving me of it. They’re running wild, from this to that. Always asking questions I can’t answer. Making my heart beat faster and stressing me out. I try to tune them out but it’s not easy when they’re stuck inside my head. They make me scared, make me doubt myself and believe I can’t do this; that I will be a failure. But I refuse to let them get to me. Why can’t I do this?

Time and again I refuse to let them get to me; this is my dream and always has been my dream. Of course I’m going to make it; this is what I want. What I’ve always wanted, so why can’t I? I’m going to prove them wrong. All of those who doubted me in the past, and I’m going to prove my own thoughts wrong.  I’ve decided to turn my back on the past. History is designed to be rewritten.

“When you’re tired of London, you’re tired of life.”

There’s no place like London. It’s not just another capital city. There’s something special about it. It’s my Wonderland. It’s a thriving metropolis with a unique personality formed by iconic landmarks, centuries of history, world-class shopping and achingly cool fashion, arts and food scenes. I can’t wait to get there. All right, that’s a little white lie. I’m going to London but I’m going to a suburban district south-west in London. Still, the metropolitan part of London is only 20-30 minutes away and the transport system in London with its underground, overground, trains and busses will take you anywhere you would like to go.

“A bad day in London is still better than a good day anywhere else.”

But most days I’m looking forward to this new adventure I’m soon embarking on. I’ve decided to wake up and chase my dreams, instead of continue to sleep with them [my dreams].

 

Poem

First you’re going to smile.

But then what?

What to do next?

♥ 

That’s the scary part.

Not knowing what will happen.  

What happens after the smile?

♥ 

Will it be returned or will be it ignored?

Will your dreams be crushed?

Or will your dreams come true?

♥ 

It’s time to take chances –  

Let down the wall

You need to open up and let people in

First you’re going to smile.

Take a chance –

See what happens 

©

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Sometimes you need to be alone, in order to find out who you really are and what you really want.

It felt like I had gotten lost but along the way I found myself. I found the courage to be myself. I discovered the way to happiness. I searched for so long and never realized that the answer was simple. I have to let go of the past; what people thought of me doesn’t matter. What people think of me doesn’t matter. Who are they to judge me? What gives them the right to judge me? They don’t know me; they don’t know who I am – who I was. Why should I let people label me when they don’t know me?

I have survived my entire life up until this point. I survived the pain, the heartbreaks, the devastation, and the bullying. I survived all the different phases in my life up until this point and here I am; stronger than I ever have been. Why should I let the past define who I am today; how I act today? I survived the past and now it’s time to let go, and move on. Create memories to replace the nightmares.

Look at me, there has to be something more than what they see; wholesome and pure, also scared and unsure. A poor man’s Sandra Dee. Sandy, you must start anew. Don’t you know what you must do? Hold your head high, take a deep breath and sigh “Goodbye to Sandra Dee”. 

So fuck them. Fuck them all. I’m going to walk with my head held high and show them all. I’m going to show them that the shy and quiet girl is gone. She doesn’t exist anymore. I want so much in this world but I won’t get it by being shy and quiet. Not sit idle by and wait for love or other great things to happen. If I don’t go after what I want, I’ll never have it.

Beauty isn’t just looks. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Beauty is your personality. Beauty is your heart. Beauty is you. There isn’t just one definition of beauty same as there isn’t only one model of what’s beautiful.

It’s not just about the dream. Anyone can dream a dream. But a dream is only a dream. If you want it to happen, make it happen. Don’t just dream it, night after night. Do something about that dream. Make your dreams real. I believe in you. You can do it; time to be brave; time to be courageous. This is your life; live it!

I’m not perfect. I never will be. I am me and it’s exactly who I want to be.

They might try to tell you how you can live your life. But don’t, don’t forget it’s your right to do whatever you like. ‘Cause you could be your own spotlight. You could be the star, you could shine so bright. You could be your own spotlight. 

Poem

We will run and scream

While chasing our dreams

With birds we’ll fly

Way up in the sky

Storm clouds will find us,

Rain will soak us

Together us two

Just me and you

At last we found love.

Take these words

They are yours to keep

Together forever

No longer apart

I gave you my heart.

This is our moment

Under the stars

We will always remember

We were young and restless

Take my heart

It’s yours to keep

Hold around me

Sweep me off my feet.

Up a mountain, down a hill

Together we cross,

Rivers and streams

Until we one day find our dream.

Last we reach the ocean still,

No waves, no sound or seagull screams

Together we sit,

In silence and peace.

We ran and screamed,

And chased our dreams

With birds we flew

In the sky so blue

A lifetime ago;

Young, wild and free!

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The girl in the mirror has confidence. Finally she’s smiling. An inner joy is filling her body and puts a big smile on her face. The girl in the mirror has been through so much; and changed so much. The girl she used to be belongs to the past; the girl she’s become is the one she wants to be. The girl in the mirror has shape – an hourglass body shape is indicated with a dress she just a few months ago didn’t fit. The girl in the mirror has used energy and strength to get to where she is today. Energy and strength she didn’t even know she had. But everything has gone in the positive direction. The girl in the mirror is satisfied; satisfied with how life has turned out. The girl in the mirror is proud; proud of whom she become. No one can take away her pride. The girl in the mirror dares to be herself; she has a dream. The girl in the mirror has huge dreams; dreams she one day wish to accomplish.  

The girl in the mirror has my hair, my face and my body. The girl in the mirror resembles me. We could be twins. The girl in the mirror is smiling; smiling because she finally feels she on the right road in life. The girl in the mirror is smiling because she has so many great people in her life. The girl in the mirror is satisfied. The girl in the mirror has changed since she moved away from home four years ago. The girl in the mirror has lost weight. The girl in the mirror works out on a daily basis.

But does everybody else see what the girl in the mirror sees?

The girl in the mirror is me and I would like to tell you my story. I wish for some day that my words will give you the chills and bring tears in your eyes. Most of all I want my stories to show you why I have been so strong; so protective of myself. I want my stories to give you something to think about; how you behave and treat others around you. Because friends don’t grow on trees, and friends don’t just appear out of the blue. You have to make an effort. You have to take initiative. But for some that can be difficult. They have thoughts which give them low self-esteem; they think too much about how other people perceive them and forget to be themselves. They get lost in the crowd and forget to speak up. But I’m done being one among the crowd; I’m done not daring to speak up – I’m ready to be me. The girl in the mirror is me and she is a person; a person who is worth something.