Scribblings

Afterwork

Alright, so here’s the thing: I’ve tried to stay anonymous. I’ve tried to hide behind the words that I write. I’ve tried to hide among common people. I’ve come to realise it’s not easy. It takes a lot of effort and hard work…

They call me ‘hell’. They call me ‘Stacey’. They call me ‘her’. They call me ‘Jane’. That’s not my name. That’s not my name. That’s not my name. That’s not my name. They call me ‘quiet’. But I’m a riot. Mary-Jo-Lisa. Always the same. That’s not my name. That’s not my name. That’s not my name. That’s not my name. 

Hell, actually that is my name. I applaud you. I salute you, even! After all these years you can still call me by my name! How on earth did you manage that? [sarcasm]

The past few months I’ve hated who I’ve become. But now? Oh, now life is pretty awesome – dare I say great? And it keeps coming down to being yourself.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I’ve renamed this blog from Scribblings of a Dreamer to Gone with the Wind on Wuthering Heights. In a way that sentence is an exact description of how I’ve been feeling for the past months. Yes, I’m perfectly aware that I haven’t changed the web address but don’t you worry about that because that my dear will never happen.

Tonight, I realised something. No, wait – this past week I’ve gradually come to realise something. Something that I deep down always have known but never lived by. Now, I can honestly say I’m living by it as well:

I’m being myself… and it is a self I’ve come to love! Self-esteem is a great thing…

This might end the post on a rude not, however, I don’t care. Be offended if you must. Here goes nothing. Hope grows inside me when I see people bigger than me out and about with people who [appears to] love them… it gives me hope that someday I’ll meet the cliche! Someday I too will experience this crazy little thing they call love!

I bet you’re picturing someone fat – someone gigantic/enormous in fact. But let me stop your fantasies right here and now… I’m not fat… I have what they nowadays call curves.

I know a lot of things and I’ve learnt a lot during my lifetime. But can someone please teach me how to flirt? But I have to warn you. I’m a lost cause…

Because who in this world could ever love a monster like me…?

Scribblings

/ɪnˌfatʃʊˈeɪʃ(ə)n

Infatuation is an intense but short-lived passion or admiration for someone [or something]. 

I could get lost in those eyes. When looking in my direction I’m secretly hoping they’re looking at me. And don’t forget that voice… Yup, she’s back! I’ve been down this road before… She’s found someone to rest her eyes upon during the lectures. She found him! Yet, then again… Why would he be single? He’s too handsome!

In the end, it doesn’t matter because I’ll only end up building a wall around myself. I’ll put my mask back on. Hide my vulnerability. Disguise that feeling I get in my body at all costs. Why do I still let love frighten me? Is it because I’ve been told too many times that I’m too ugly to be loved – too fat?

I wish I could describe your eyes. I wish I could tell you how the sound of your voice gives me butterflies and how your smile makes my heart skip a beat. I used to be invisible to the rest of the world. Then as if I was hit by lighting I decided it was time to take off my invisibility cloak. It was time to stop hiding.

From now on, I’m going to stop hating myself for what I’m not and start loving myself for who I am! I only wish I knew what he sees – if it is me he’s looking at…!?

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11.02.2015

There are too many thoughts in my head. Running frantically round and round. Sometimes running a marathon. I try, but I can’t. I can’t  seem to write them down on a white piece of paper. They’re running too fast. Running away from me. I can’t catch a hold of them. There’s a whirlwind – a tornado if you like. Chaos.

There have been no walks in the fresh air. There have been no walks by the Thames, sipping my [black] coffee while music blasts in my ears. Volbeat. In Flames. Five Finger Death Punch. Or it might be the songs I’ve added to my March 2015 playlist. It all depends on my mood. There have been no walks by the Thames because I’ve been  sick. A runny nose, sore throat, and a little bit feverish. I’ve been exhausted. My body said stop and I nearly hit the wall. But I’m better now. 

I have a playlist consisting of 303 songs; one day, four hours, 46 minutes and 13 seconds. It’s an obsession. There’s a song to fit my every mood. It was created back in 2011 while I wrote my undergrad dissertation. I pressed play today when I finally could go for a walk along the Thames again. I hit shuffle and it was the best walk I’ve had for ages.

***

I tried to act normal and it was the worst five minutes of my life. I guess I’m just better at being weird. No, hang on, I’m better at being ME. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m not normal. Normal doesn’t exist in my vocabulary. I tried it once but I don’t ever want to do it again.

***

I’ve made very important plans for Saturday. It will be the best Saturday in ages. It’s going to be epic. I’m having a single’s party and you’re NOT invited. I’m buying loads of ice cream, whipped cream, and chocolate sauce. Oh, I’m not just going to buy it, I’m also going to eat it. Or, perhaps, I’ll buy a bottle of wine and drink it out of my new glass, a [stolen] souvenir from last Friday’s night out. All while watching House of Cards (season 2) or perhaps recap the last few episodes of Game of Thrones (season 4).

Guess it’s just another Saturday… Wait, hang on a minute, you’re saying it’s Valentine’s Da on Saturday? Well, it doesn’t matter because, as I’ve already told you, I have very important plans…

Do you  think I’m stupid? Don’t you think I know what day it is? How could anyone NOT know that Valentine’s Day is approaching? Even Starbucks had decorated their windows with hearts. And at WHSmith, it looked like Cupid had vomited all over the store!

Valentine’s Day is probably more fun if you’re in a relationship…

***

Putting on a fake smile is easier than explaining why you’re sad.

It’s less exhausting to live when you stop pretending to be someone you’re not.

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When the world explodes…

…just put on some music and shake it off. Because haters are always going to hate. If at first you don’t succeed, try again, and again, and again. Try, until you finally get it right. Shy away from drama queens and divas. Don’t let them get to you. Defend yourself against false accusations. If you fall, pick yourself up. And, if you’re going through hell? Well, then just keep going. Power through. Rise above. Be the bigger person. Because you know the truth.

Times like these it sucks to be a long way from home and your only option is to Skype your parents. Texting your mum if she’s can meet on Skype and she replies ‘she is’ with a smiley face attached. However, this is not a call to catch up. This time your face is red and puffy from all the crying. Your voice cracks a little when you speak. The bad connection makes it difficult to fully comprehend what you’re saying.

Somehow, you manage to explain what’s going on, they give you the best advice they can and you know deep down they wish they could do more. That if they could, they would, be here faster than the Flash. But, it’s okay. Just talking to them on Skype helps. It’s okay. Because you know the truth and they know you. They know you wouldn’t do something like this. They know you’re not a criminal. They know you’re not a thief.

I was tired of keeping my mouth shut. I decided to speak up. But she wouldn’t listen. I tried to scream. But her mind was made up. Would I react this way if I was guilty?

I have many beginnings but no middle and certainly no end. They told me a long time ago writing would be therapeutic. It would keep me from going insane. Writing would help me process things. I came here to escape my demons. To get away. But looking back I realize it didn’t work. They’ve caught up with me. They drive me to madness, and makes this world a cold, dark and lonely place. I try to ignore them but they keep on talking. The voices. They won’t go away. I wish they would just leave me alone.

London

London calling

It’s only 20 minutes away. I hear it screaming my name; longing for me to visit. I’m coming. I’m making the journey on Friday. I don’t care if people are going to Westfield followed by a night out in central London on Saturday, Portobello Market on Sunday, Paris and Disneyland later this month – I just don’t care. I’m not going with them and I’m fine with that. First of all, I don’t have the money (I could ask my parents for help but I don’t feel it’s the right thing to do because I didn’t come here to shop and travel), I came here to study which is my second point. Third, I need to recharge my batteries and find back to the happy me. I’m an introvert and my limited resource is running low.

Introverted people live in a human-sized hamsterball [not really, but you know what I mean]. The major trait of a true introvert, as opposed to someone who is withdrawn, is how they gather energy.

Extroverted people gather energy from their surroundings. They absorb the “good vibes” of the people around them and thus need a lot of social interaction. Introverted people make their own energy and, rather than taking it from others, give it on social contact. This means that they naturally find most interaction exhausting and need time to recharge.

Because this energy is a limited resource, they tend to see extroverts as obnoxious predators out to steal their sweet, sweet energy juices. That’s why they have the hamsterball of personal space.

Just because someone is introverted doesn’t mean they don’t like company. Interaction is just expensive and they don’t want to spend it on something annoying [read: wasteful]. Here’s what you do:

Say hello, be polite and relaxed, show that you recognize and approve of their presence. It is important for introverts to feel welcome. They won’t spend their precious energy on someone who doesn’t want them around. If you have interesting/important news to mention, mention it. Just don’t press for gossip. They go back to whatever they were doing. Now the introverts know that you are friendly and open to interaction, but will not push them into spending energy if they have no need to.

That’s why I need to get away. Answer the call. I can hear London calling and it’s getting louder. I want to explore London alone. I need to explore London alone. I need to escape the world I live in, if only for a little while. I need to be by myself. It’s time to put myself on top of the list. Visit stores I want to; spend as much time at Waterstones, h&m, Primark, Zara, Selfridges, Harrods, Hamleys as I want … Just look around and recharge. Go to a pub and buy myself a pint; coffee at Starbucks and just look at people hurrying buy – looking at their phones. Buy images, posters, signs with encouraging words to decorate my room.

Because when it all comes down to it it’s not about the shopping, it’s not about spending money – it’s about getting away from this small town for a few hours. It’s about disconnecting from Facebook, the people around me – to have a few hours, maybe a day on my premises. Because I’ve discovered that I’m only good enough when people need something from me and I’m tired of it.

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the sun is rising

I feel like shit but at least I feel something. I’m having one of those days. Those days where everything goes wrong and nothing feels right. But it doesn’t matter because I know it will pass. I got to keep on going, looking straight out on the road. There’s no use worrying about what lies behind me or what’s coming further up the road. Because I won’t take the easy road, I just won’t. Besides there’s nothing a little music can’t fix. 

Whatever you’re facing, if your heart is breaking. There’s a promise for the ones who just hold on. Lift up your eyes and see the sun is rising. 

I watched The Other Woman the other day. I liked it. A really feel-good movie. Funny too. I like movies and books which make me forget the world, even if it’s just for a little while. It’s my escape. 

Someday, I’ll find the right words. I will belong or I will wander. Somewhere, over the mountain; under the great sky, I’ll be all right. 

My favorite songs at the moment:  

  • Lily & Madeline – Sounds like Somewhere 
  • First Aid Kit – My Silver Lining 
  • Britt Nicole – The Sun is Rising