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Is it weird that walking in rain makes her happy?

The day got off on the wrong foot but ended up being a good day.

Is being seen, the same as being understood? Can the words a person writes tell you something about who she is – has been? Do you judge her by the words she writes even though they describe something happening a long time ago? Maybe it’s only now, when it’s in the distant past, she’s able to write it down; ready to tell the world. 

She doesn’t write for empathy. She writes so other people can understand where she comes from; why she is the girl she is today. Let people know where her insecurities come from. That no matter how much weight she has lost she still see her old self staring back in the mirror. 

They told her it would get better when she got older. That as soon as people got over the teenage years they would stop. Did they? The words might have stopped coming, but what they had said in the past still stuck with her. Being grown up didn’t erase that. As she got older and the past more distant she has been able to leave it all behind. She’s able to let it all go. But it takes time. And time goes fast; too fast sometimes.

She doesn’t know how much weight she has lost in kilos or pound. The number on the scale isn’t everything. But she can see she’s different and she feels different. It’s easier to run; easier to lift weights. Just hurrying home in the rain is easier. She isn’t out of breath after walking three flights of stairs – she used to – but not anymore. She does CrossFit once a week, who would have thought? 

Clothes fit her better. Some she has thrown away because they were just too big. Life isn’t a dark hole anymore. She has escaped. And instead of existing day by day; she’s living and making plans for the future. The pessimist is slowly becoming an optimist. It isn’t done overnight. It takes time. But time is moving forward; not backwards. She doesn’t live in the past anymore; she lives for the future. 

She is me.  I used to be broken. I used to be hurt. Now, I’m happy. Happy with who I’ve become and who I’m becoming. I’m not perfect but have realized that I never will be. I used to be a troubled soul; not anymore. I’ve realized that life is what you make of it. Happiness comes from within. I’m the maker of my own happiness. All I can do is aspire to become the best version of myself!

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It had to come. The way I’ve been pushing myself lately I had to hit the wall, eventually. It would be a miracle if it was possible to keep going on the way I have.

Up at 6.30; coffee, breakfast and shower; be at the library by eight, preferably a few minutes before eight; study at the library until 5-6 o’clock; go home, change, eat a banana and then hit the gym; be at the gym for a few hours and have a kickass workout; go home, shower and eat dinner; then spend a few hours on the couch before bedtime.

Then you do it all over again the next day and the next until you reach the wall; until the day you hit the wall. The wall isn’t something you reach, it something hitting you in the face when you least expect it. It hits you at a time when you feel great but deep down you’re not. You’ve been pushing yourself too hard, have ignored the signs and just kept going. On Friday I hit that wall. After nearly 10 hours in the library I broke down when I came home.

Luckily, there was music and there was rain. So I went for a walk. I think I cried a bit too but who saw? It might as well have been rain.

I love the rain. I love when the ground gets wet. I love that after a little rain you might get lucky and see a rainbow glisten. I love the little puddles; and the big puddles. I become a child again. I jump in them. I don’t care who sees me. I live in my own world which is a little bit crazy; a little bit weird; and a little bit normal. My world is awesome, sometimes. Other times I wish it wasn’t my world. Times when everything seems to go wrong; when the world seems to be against me. But it doesn’t happen that often anymore, that the world is against me and it doesn’t last for days like it used to. I like to think it has something to do with me finally being able to change my life for the better.

I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions. Still, when the clock struck twelve on New Year’s Eve I promised myself that 2013 would be the year I finally fixed my life; fixed my world. I promised myself that 2013 would be the year I finally fixed what was broken years ago; I decided that I wasn’t going to let it define me anymore. Because why let my past define who I am, when I’m clearly not that girl anymore? When it’s evident I’ve actually changed? And I’ve changed a lot; not just the four-five months since 2013 started but since I moved away from home four-five years ago. That’s when I started changing. It’s taken me awhile but I finally feel it. I finally feel the change.

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The girl in the mirror has confidence. Finally she’s smiling. An inner joy is filling her body and puts a big smile on her face. The girl in the mirror has been through so much; and changed so much. The girl she used to be belongs to the past; the girl she’s become is the one she wants to be. The girl in the mirror has shape – an hourglass body shape is indicated with a dress she just a few months ago didn’t fit. The girl in the mirror has used energy and strength to get to where she is today. Energy and strength she didn’t even know she had. But everything has gone in the positive direction. The girl in the mirror is satisfied; satisfied with how life has turned out. The girl in the mirror is proud; proud of whom she become. No one can take away her pride. The girl in the mirror dares to be herself; she has a dream. The girl in the mirror has huge dreams; dreams she one day wish to accomplish.  

The girl in the mirror has my hair, my face and my body. The girl in the mirror resembles me. We could be twins. The girl in the mirror is smiling; smiling because she finally feels she on the right road in life. The girl in the mirror is smiling because she has so many great people in her life. The girl in the mirror is satisfied. The girl in the mirror has changed since she moved away from home four years ago. The girl in the mirror has lost weight. The girl in the mirror works out on a daily basis.

But does everybody else see what the girl in the mirror sees?

The girl in the mirror is me and I would like to tell you my story. I wish for some day that my words will give you the chills and bring tears in your eyes. Most of all I want my stories to show you why I have been so strong; so protective of myself. I want my stories to give you something to think about; how you behave and treat others around you. Because friends don’t grow on trees, and friends don’t just appear out of the blue. You have to make an effort. You have to take initiative. But for some that can be difficult. They have thoughts which give them low self-esteem; they think too much about how other people perceive them and forget to be themselves. They get lost in the crowd and forget to speak up. But I’m done being one among the crowd; I’m done not daring to speak up – I’m ready to be me. The girl in the mirror is me and she is a person; a person who is worth something. 

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Down by the sea where the waves hit the shore walks a girl all to herself. No one can possible know what goes through her mind or what her heart truly desires. The waves give her inner peace; clears her mind and helps putting the pieces in the confusing puzzle that is her life, back together. Her heart has been broken and shattered; its color has turned grey. The raindrops mix with the salty tears running down her cheeks but since it is raining no one can see she’s crying. Her gaze turns to watch the horizon where the sun in a few hours will rise and gently shed its light on the deep blue ocean. Oh, how she longed to be one with the sea. Suddenly, she took one step, then another and before she knew it she was surrounded by water. Her tears washed away, she took one last breath and her lungs filled with water.

The ocean was colder than she imagined and the waves were stronger. They pulled her down towards the seabed and while she was pulled down she desperately tried to grasp hold of something but the water just flowed right through her fingers. Nothing to hold on to there was no way back. They say that when you die your life flashes before your eyes; one last time to enjoy your memories before you’re nothing else but a fragment in someone else’s memory. There were no flashes of memory; just darkness. Then suddenly something grabbed her tightly around her waist and pulled her towards the surface; or was it pulling her farther down? She had lost the direction; didn’t know which was up and what was down. Her mind had given up a long time ago – now her body could finally let go too. Her lungs were filling up with salt water and soon she would have to take her last breath. Finally, she could stop pretending and at long last her heart could one last time become red again.

There was a reason why she had chosen the ocean. Then she didn’t have to feel the tears and be reminded that she was alive; and how a part of her still desperately wanted to be alive. How could she do this? How could she inflict this pain on others? It would have been alright if she had been alone in the world but she wasn’t; she left behind a family who loved her deeply. And just like that it dawned on her what she was about to do. She did not want to die. She wanted to be alive. What if she sometimes hit rock bottom? She could find other ways to overcome that if she could only get above water and breathe in the fresh air. She tried to swim towards the surface but the current was too strong and pulled her down, and she realized it was a fight she was destined to lose. But she couldn’t give up without a fight; she wanted to continue living!