Scribblings

Clandestiny

Silent all your life. Running without vision. Hollowed out inside. Wronging all that’s right. There’s no cost to be alive and no reason to escape from us. There’s no illness and no pain; haven’t found any suffering.

The road is long and bare. No clarity; no light. The moment came and swallowed us, blinding all our sight. We will keep you free from harm, all you have to do is stand with us. I will mend your wounded heart and resort the trials that you have lost.

Give your life so I can breathe. Save our lives, it’s all we need.

We can lead you under ground and devour our humanity. Follow me and follow sound to the end of your eternity.

Give your life so I can breathe. Save our lives, it’s all we need.

I have many memories from this place, both good and bad. It’s good to be back but I’ve changed since the last time I was here. I’ve come to realise that I’m not so dependent of the comfort I find here anymore. Finally, I’ve become the person I want to be. Finally, I’m free from the ties that binds me to this place.

Back when I used to live here I never used to this. Never. Not in a million years would the person I used to be go out, grab a bite and a drink alone. It’s been a struggle to get where I am today but when I move to London it didn’t take long before I did it all the time. And if  I could do it London then why not here? So, I grabbed a book and headed for what used to be my local pub.

Liberating is what it was!


Testing and trying out new beers have become a passion and interest of mine. In addition to getting my PGCE, it’s what I do for a living. I love it! There is plenty of liquid gold out there and trust me, I’m no talking about oil if that’s what you think!

I feel a sense of relief! I’ve only been here a day but who knew this was what I needed all along? All I needed was to get away [and someone to relieve the sexual frustration that has been building up for ages…]! I hopped on a train and let it take me away. Stayed a few nights in a hotel, had a fantastic breakfast and spent the days the way I wanted too.

When I returned after a year in London, I brought something back with me. It became a part of me and my lifestyle. People might think it’s weird – that I’m lonely. However, on a daily basis I’m constantly around people that when I finally get the chance to get out of the house apart from school and work, I’ve started to seize the opportunity instead of letting it slip away! So what if I’m alone in a pub, reading a book? That doesn’t necessarily mean I’m lonely, nor doesn’t mean I’m a loner.

Listen carefully and I’ll tell you what it means. It means I enjoy my own company and that I’m not dependent on other people!

There are a numerous of vacant tables… Why not sit there? Why did you have to invade my personal space? 


Liberate yourself from comparison and jealousy.

The leaves on the ground are dancing round and round in the wind. The only sound I hear is the music blasting in my ears. Puddles are drying in the sun. Schizophrenic weather is the correct terminology in my opinion. A few hours ago the rain came pouring down in buckets; now there isn’t a cloud in sight.

Rain… Rain… Rain… 

Is this seat taken? Yes! What a stupid question. Can’t you see there is obviously something sitting there? I’m sorry to have to be the one to telly you but I’m afraid that seat is reserved for my bag. You see I neither can nor wan’t to leave it on the floor. It’s too precious to me. But please don’t ask me how much it cost. It wasn’t really that expensive at all!


Lately, I’ve been wondering what the hell I’m doing. If it’s worth it, you know. Miles between us; cities apart. Why hold on to something that’s already dead?

Have you reached a verdict; made a decision? Have you truly made up your mind this time? Because this time it’s final. There’s no going back. You can’t play this stupid game anymore. He’s your could’ve been; should’ve been. But he never was and never will… I ask you again: have you come to a conclusion? 

Yes!

This time I have. I’ll admit I have mixed feelings about it but it’s not what I need anymore. I need my freedom. Freedom to do what I want with whomever I want. But I want you to know that I’m sad that it’s over but I also have to admit that I’m partly relieved and optimistic about the future.

He taught me to trust again. Taught me that not all men are bad and that it’s possible to let the wall down. I was afraid to lose you but you were never really mine. If only we’d had a second chance to meet for the first time. I wouldn’t have been the drugged and drunken girl you found walking alone on the street trying to find her way home. But you where there to save me and I will be forever grateful. Then the night comes and I’m all alone again…


I shed a few tears to today. I told myself not to cry because it’s over but instead smile because it happened! The missing piece of the puzzle is still out there, waiting to be found…

 

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Black filter coffee, please

Now that I’m about to accomplish one dream, I’ve started dreaming about the future again. Come August it’s time to grow up. Get a job and earn some money. Start saving up and sometime, way down the line, buy my own place. Decorate it after searching the web for inspiration; decorate it the way I want.

That’s why I need to get these assignments done.
My future is the only thing that keeps me going
and the only driving force I have left.

Some days there is neither inspiration nor motivation to go on. I’ve had enough. Six years is a long time. Two bachelor’s degrees and come August I hopefully have a master’s degree. Six years of studying. A ton of words read and written. Numerous cups of coffee. All those late nights. Not that many all-nighters. None I think. However, in 154 days – 5 months – it’s the end of an era and the dawn of a new.

How long is it going to take before someone reacts to that car alarm? It’s been sounding off for about 15 minutes now and I’m starting to believe it’s all in my head. But it isn’t. I swear. It happens a lot around here. Car alarms go off all the time.

London

thoughts

I’m a victim of my own mind. They always appear late at night. Always at the time when I’m tired and all I really want to do is get some sleep. But I can’t because they’re depriving me of it. They’re running wild, from this to that. Always asking questions I can’t answer. Making my heart beat faster and stressing me out. I try to tune them out but it’s not easy when they’re stuck inside my head. They make me scared, make me doubt myself and believe I can’t do this; that I will be a failure. But I refuse to let them get to me. Why can’t I do this?

Time and again I refuse to let them get to me; this is my dream and always has been my dream. Of course I’m going to make it; this is what I want. What I’ve always wanted, so why can’t I? I’m going to prove them wrong. All of those who doubted me in the past, and I’m going to prove my own thoughts wrong.  I’ve decided to turn my back on the past. History is designed to be rewritten.

“When you’re tired of London, you’re tired of life.”

There’s no place like London. It’s not just another capital city. There’s something special about it. It’s my Wonderland. It’s a thriving metropolis with a unique personality formed by iconic landmarks, centuries of history, world-class shopping and achingly cool fashion, arts and food scenes. I can’t wait to get there. All right, that’s a little white lie. I’m going to London but I’m going to a suburban district south-west in London. Still, the metropolitan part of London is only 20-30 minutes away and the transport system in London with its underground, overground, trains and busses will take you anywhere you would like to go.

“A bad day in London is still better than a good day anywhere else.”

But most days I’m looking forward to this new adventure I’m soon embarking on. I’ve decided to wake up and chase my dreams, instead of continue to sleep with them [my dreams].

 

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summer

Work for a cause; not for applause. Live life to express; not to impress. Every morning you have two choices: continue to sleep with your dreams, or wake up and chase them. 

June became July. July became august. Summer has literally flown by. There have been days spent in the sun, tanning on the beach and reading books. Reunion with old friends. Great food and drinks. Shopping in Copenhagen. Countless days with sun and hardly no days with rain. I can’t complain. It’s been a great summer even though the work side of it didn’t work out. I applied for several but didn’t hear from neither of them. It isn’t easy finding a job anymore. At least I tried. I made the best out of the situation. There was nothing else I could do.

August. Fear not, summer isn’t over yet. The weather continue to amaze me. The temperature is still holding up, the clouds are staying away (so is the rain), and the sun keeps on shining. Tonight I sat on the beach and just watched the sun set. Enjoying the peace and quiet. The quiet place. No music. No TV. No people. Only me, myself and I. The wind blowing gently in my hair, the sound of waves hitting the beach and the sun’s reflection in the water. A cruise ship on its way in the horizon. People going for a nightly swim, walk or run.

This summer as been a great one. And it’s been good not having any obligations. Pick myself up after a stressing and tough spring semester. It took its toll writing my bachelor thesis in addition to two classes. So June was mostly spent recharging. Sleeping and eating. Going for bike rides and runs in the woods. Then the calendar showed July and I went to Copenhagen for a few days with my mother. Got some shopping done. Then suddenly July was over and it was August. I have done more than what I’ve filled this paragraph with but nothing worth writing about I guess. My life is pretty uneventful like that. Still, it’s been a great summer.

Even though school doesn’t start until September, it’s back to reality. I’m looking forward to the future. A little bit frightening but mostly exiting. My dream is coming true. In September my dream will finally be my life. I’ve booked my flight ticket, I’ve put down a deposit on accommodation and I’ve started packing [mentally]. I can’t wait.

And though it’s been a great summer I can’t wait for fall. It’s the best of the four seasons. When the temperature drops and the leaves changes color. The wind gently biting your cheek. Well, guess there are still a few more summer days to enjoy before that.

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I have a dream

The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now (Bill Cosby). Life waits for no one. Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans (John Lennon). Hard work pays off. In the end it will be worth it. Everything I did, I did to make my dream come true. Countless hours spent at the library and countless cups of coffee. . Just hope it has been enough. All the roads I’ve taken has finally led me to this. Once again I find myself at a crossroad – this time I now which road I want to take. I just hope my efforts haven’t been in vain. I just hope my efforts have’t been for nothing. One week from now I’ll have my answer. The answer to my question. Will my dream come true?

Maybe I have hopes too high for life?
Maybe I expect too much?
Thinking, hoping and wishing
Dreams that will never come true.
I am a victim of my own mind
I am my worst critic.
I dream big and have high hopes
What if nothing works out?
Then again what if it does?
(2013)

It has always been the same dream…
I walk the streets with a book bag on my shoulder; music blasting in my ears. I’m on my way to the library; THE library.  Surrounded by books; old and new, the library has an atmosphere making you want to study – it’s motivating you. It’s where I belong. Finally, I’m home. After studying I’m once again walking the streets. I’m on my way to my favorite coffee shop in this town. It’s neither too big nor too small; just the right size. The waitress/waiter recognizes me and tells me my regular will be right up. I find a vacant seat by the window, find my book and disappear into a different world. Sometimes I would also write as I take in the world just outside the window. People hurrying by; some off to meetings, others talking on their phone. All of them drink their coffee on the go. Everyone is in a hurry. Not taking breaks. Not stopping for anything. They’re always on their way from something, to something else. They don’t stop for a second and just enjoy life. Listen to the silence.  My coffee arrives and I’m brought back to reality. I still can’t believe this is my life; how far I’ve come. I worked hard to get here, spent countless hours studying but for this it was all worth it. Trust me. It was worth because I get to live my dream. 

This isn’t my life, yet. It’s just a dream. It’s always just a dream. Always the same dream. Every time I wake up I’, back in my cold [messy] room. But I will live my dream. Someday I will wake up and my room will be in that town. I will walk those streets, drink that coffee and study at that library. Someday it won’t just be a dream. Someday it will be my life!

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Let it go

The days come and go. I drink coffee after coffee. Some water in between. I eat; I sleep. I work out. I read. I write. I used to fear the future. I used to be scared of failure. I didn’t have confidence. I didn’t believe in myself. Five years and I finally feel confident on the road I find myself on. Finally, I feel I’m heading in the right direction. After five years living in the same city I’m finally ready for change. Time is running out. My time is running out. As the months pass by I’m getting closer to my dream. Every word I write; every page I read brings me one step closer. My motivation is on top. 

Spring is finally here and I love it. The days are brighter, the temperature is slowly rising and best of all – the sun is shining. It’s been a while since last time I wrote something other than on my bachelor thesis. I completely lost my inspiration. I had so many thoughts running wild in my head and it’s been hard to put them down on ‘paper’. I’ve been through a rough patch. I’ve been feeling down; lived in chaos. But where there once was chaos, order has to be restored right?

It’s been hard putting my feelings into words. Have I been happy; sad; depressed; tired; stressed out? I don’t know. All I know is that the days felt the same. I got up, I ate breakfast, I did some schoolwork, watched TV, drank cups and cups of coffee, did some more schoolwork, watched some more TV and drank some more coffee. I spent some time soaking up the sun, I went for long walks and I went to the gym. The past week I lived on autopilot. I was the chosen pessimist. I made a decision: I cancelled all my [unimportant] plans and decided to go about the days at my own pace. Eat what I want when I want. Do what I want when I want. It turned out that it was what I needed.

This past week has helped me back on track. I spent my week with the hot firefighters of Fire House 51 in Chicago Fire. After being away from the gym for two weeks after a knee injury I’m slowly feeling myself getting stronger again. After feeling down my mood is slowly coming back. I feel up to date with my schoolwork and I finally feel I have control when it comes to my BA-thesis.  In short, where there once was chaos, order has finally been restored!

I have always been afraid of the future – it scared me because I couldn’t control it. It has always been just a dream. Now I find the future exciting and a little bit scary but mostly exciting. The time is right and if I don’t do it now when will I ever do it? This is my chance and I decided to take it. I saw an opportunity and took it. I’m finally ready for a new adventure. After five years in one place the time is right to pack up my things and see the world – well, at least a little bit of it. The time is right to move on. But first two months of intense studying! 

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Is it weird that walking in rain makes her happy?

The day got off on the wrong foot but ended up being a good day.

Is being seen, the same as being understood? Can the words a person writes tell you something about who she is – has been? Do you judge her by the words she writes even though they describe something happening a long time ago? Maybe it’s only now, when it’s in the distant past, she’s able to write it down; ready to tell the world. 

She doesn’t write for empathy. She writes so other people can understand where she comes from; why she is the girl she is today. Let people know where her insecurities come from. That no matter how much weight she has lost she still see her old self staring back in the mirror. 

They told her it would get better when she got older. That as soon as people got over the teenage years they would stop. Did they? The words might have stopped coming, but what they had said in the past still stuck with her. Being grown up didn’t erase that. As she got older and the past more distant she has been able to leave it all behind. She’s able to let it all go. But it takes time. And time goes fast; too fast sometimes.

She doesn’t know how much weight she has lost in kilos or pound. The number on the scale isn’t everything. But she can see she’s different and she feels different. It’s easier to run; easier to lift weights. Just hurrying home in the rain is easier. She isn’t out of breath after walking three flights of stairs – she used to – but not anymore. She does CrossFit once a week, who would have thought? 

Clothes fit her better. Some she has thrown away because they were just too big. Life isn’t a dark hole anymore. She has escaped. And instead of existing day by day; she’s living and making plans for the future. The pessimist is slowly becoming an optimist. It isn’t done overnight. It takes time. But time is moving forward; not backwards. She doesn’t live in the past anymore; she lives for the future. 

She is me.  I used to be broken. I used to be hurt. Now, I’m happy. Happy with who I’ve become and who I’m becoming. I’m not perfect but have realized that I never will be. I used to be a troubled soul; not anymore. I’ve realized that life is what you make of it. Happiness comes from within. I’m the maker of my own happiness. All I can do is aspire to become the best version of myself!

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I got so caught up in the moment that I forgot I was tired. I forgot the time. I forgot I was listening to music. I didn’t do what I was supposed to do. Instead of studying I changed the focus; instead I focused on my future. I used the evening to think – to debate. And I think the voices in my head are finally in agreement. We’re going to do this and even though it’s scary we’ll do it together.

I think my lifelong dream might come true if every piece of the puzzle find its rightful place. If I only dare to take this step my dream will come true. How I wish my dream would come true. This, ladies and gentlemen, is all I’ve ever dreamed of. And I will make it happen. The future is mine, and mine alone!

Dream it, wish it, do it!