Scribblings

Afterwork

Alright, so here’s the thing: I’ve tried to stay anonymous. I’ve tried to hide behind the words that I write. I’ve tried to hide among common people. I’ve come to realise it’s not easy. It takes a lot of effort and hard work…

They call me ‘hell’. They call me ‘Stacey’. They call me ‘her’. They call me ‘Jane’. That’s not my name. That’s not my name. That’s not my name. That’s not my name. They call me ‘quiet’. But I’m a riot. Mary-Jo-Lisa. Always the same. That’s not my name. That’s not my name. That’s not my name. That’s not my name. 

Hell, actually that is my name. I applaud you. I salute you, even! After all these years you can still call me by my name! How on earth did you manage that? [sarcasm]

The past few months I’ve hated who I’ve become. But now? Oh, now life is pretty awesome – dare I say great? And it keeps coming down to being yourself.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I’ve renamed this blog from Scribblings of a Dreamer to Gone with the Wind on Wuthering Heights. In a way that sentence is an exact description of how I’ve been feeling for the past months. Yes, I’m perfectly aware that I haven’t changed the web address but don’t you worry about that because that my dear will never happen.

Tonight, I realised something. No, wait – this past week I’ve gradually come to realise something. Something that I deep down always have known but never lived by. Now, I can honestly say I’m living by it as well:

I’m being myself… and it is a self I’ve come to love! Self-esteem is a great thing…

This might end the post on a rude not, however, I don’t care. Be offended if you must. Here goes nothing. Hope grows inside me when I see people bigger than me out and about with people who [appears to] love them… it gives me hope that someday I’ll meet the cliche! Someday I too will experience this crazy little thing they call love!

I bet you’re picturing someone fat – someone gigantic/enormous in fact. But let me stop your fantasies right here and now… I’m not fat… I have what they nowadays call curves.

I know a lot of things and I’ve learnt a lot during my lifetime. But can someone please teach me how to flirt? But I have to warn you. I’m a lost cause…

Because who in this world could ever love a monster like me…?

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London

Superwoman

This has been one of those days were I feel like superwoman. I can do it all. Live an ordinary life alongside being a superhero. Waking up early is fantastic. I’ve gotten so much done today. Read articles and wrote a few paragraphs of my essay before I travelled to central London. Walked around central; bought tea at Harrods; walked all the way around Buckingham Palace. Just because I turned right and headed down the wrong street, but, it didn’t matter because the sun was shining. I met up with friends for a pint; walked some more before I took a break at Starbucks, just off Regent Street, read a few pages while drinking my Mocha Frappuccino. Then I continued down Regent Street, popped into Boots and bought some necessities, and then finally heading down to the underground. Took the Piccadilly Line, during rush hour, to Hammersmith, bought some food at Sainsbury’s, and then finally took the bus home. Home to eat dinner and watch one episode of the many TV-shows I follow, the rest of the evening I’ll have to spend working on my essay. I had a good feeling about it this morning and it made me a little bit more motivated to get it done. Because today I’m Superwoman. Or, I guess waking up early isn’t fantastic when you’re tired at nine o’clock. I don’t feel like spending hours working on my essay, instead I’m cold, tired and I want to sleep. However, I can’t,there have to be words read and written before I can go to sleep. Besides, Superwoman doesn’t go to bed at nine anyway!

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summer

Work for a cause; not for applause. Live life to express; not to impress. Every morning you have two choices: continue to sleep with your dreams, or wake up and chase them. 

June became July. July became august. Summer has literally flown by. There have been days spent in the sun, tanning on the beach and reading books. Reunion with old friends. Great food and drinks. Shopping in Copenhagen. Countless days with sun and hardly no days with rain. I can’t complain. It’s been a great summer even though the work side of it didn’t work out. I applied for several but didn’t hear from neither of them. It isn’t easy finding a job anymore. At least I tried. I made the best out of the situation. There was nothing else I could do.

August. Fear not, summer isn’t over yet. The weather continue to amaze me. The temperature is still holding up, the clouds are staying away (so is the rain), and the sun keeps on shining. Tonight I sat on the beach and just watched the sun set. Enjoying the peace and quiet. The quiet place. No music. No TV. No people. Only me, myself and I. The wind blowing gently in my hair, the sound of waves hitting the beach and the sun’s reflection in the water. A cruise ship on its way in the horizon. People going for a nightly swim, walk or run.

This summer as been a great one. And it’s been good not having any obligations. Pick myself up after a stressing and tough spring semester. It took its toll writing my bachelor thesis in addition to two classes. So June was mostly spent recharging. Sleeping and eating. Going for bike rides and runs in the woods. Then the calendar showed July and I went to Copenhagen for a few days with my mother. Got some shopping done. Then suddenly July was over and it was August. I have done more than what I’ve filled this paragraph with but nothing worth writing about I guess. My life is pretty uneventful like that. Still, it’s been a great summer.

Even though school doesn’t start until September, it’s back to reality. I’m looking forward to the future. A little bit frightening but mostly exiting. My dream is coming true. In September my dream will finally be my life. I’ve booked my flight ticket, I’ve put down a deposit on accommodation and I’ve started packing [mentally]. I can’t wait.

And though it’s been a great summer I can’t wait for fall. It’s the best of the four seasons. When the temperature drops and the leaves changes color. The wind gently biting your cheek. Well, guess there are still a few more summer days to enjoy before that.

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I got so caught up in the moment that I forgot I was tired. I forgot the time. I forgot I was listening to music. I didn’t do what I was supposed to do. Instead of studying I changed the focus; instead I focused on my future. I used the evening to think – to debate. And I think the voices in my head are finally in agreement. We’re going to do this and even though it’s scary we’ll do it together.

I think my lifelong dream might come true if every piece of the puzzle find its rightful place. If I only dare to take this step my dream will come true. How I wish my dream would come true. This, ladies and gentlemen, is all I’ve ever dreamed of. And I will make it happen. The future is mine, and mine alone!

Dream it, wish it, do it!

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I feel so inspired these days. I can write for hours. I guess it’s been some time. Maybe it’s the change of location; maybe it’s the fact that I don’t have any finals to study for. I’m not complaining. It’s just a little weird, this sudden feeling of inspiration that seems to have hit me. There’s a story unfolding in my head. Don’t know if I’ll ever publish any of it here. But it’s a story of romance and finding yourself. Going from living life as a wallflower to living a life where people see you – a life where you hide away in the background but instead are visible. Making yourself heard above the noise of everyone else.

With coffee and dark chocolate today is a day best spent inside. Outside the weather reminds more of fall than summer. The wind is blowing in the trees; rain is falling from the sky. I finished my last final of the year only a week ago but it feels so much longer. I have done so much. Enjoyed good food, served at a wedding (for 10 hours), got a little tanned, bought new clothes – summer clothes, I’ve spent time relaxing – sleeping, reading novels, and I’ve polished plates, glasses and silverware.

It feels as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. There are no dark clouds hanging over me. Nothing I have to do; nothing I must do. Tuesday I felt I was in Downton Abbey polishing silverware, plates and glasses, all that was missing was the right fashion. The beautiful post-world war one fashion.

I guess things haven’t really changed. I still drink the same amount of coffee I did while studying for finals. I still read, only now I finally get to enjoy all the novels I’ve saved this semester. I got to read The Perks of being a Wallflower one more time (I’ve lost count how many times I’ve read it). But the story never seize to amaze me. It gets me every time. Charlie is such a magnificent character – a wallflower.

There’s a light drizzle in the air. Can’t the weather make up its mind? Either rain or let the sun shine.

I haven’t worked out in over a week and I don’t care. I haven’t had the time, it hasn’t been a priority of mine. I listened to my body and it needed relaxing. My knees needed to heal. Today I finally went for that run. I beat my time from last year. There has been progress since the beginning of last august.

Life is great.

I think this will be a great summer.

[written on Thursday, June 13th 2013]
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It had to come. The way I’ve been pushing myself lately I had to hit the wall, eventually. It would be a miracle if it was possible to keep going on the way I have.

Up at 6.30; coffee, breakfast and shower; be at the library by eight, preferably a few minutes before eight; study at the library until 5-6 o’clock; go home, change, eat a banana and then hit the gym; be at the gym for a few hours and have a kickass workout; go home, shower and eat dinner; then spend a few hours on the couch before bedtime.

Then you do it all over again the next day and the next until you reach the wall; until the day you hit the wall. The wall isn’t something you reach, it something hitting you in the face when you least expect it. It hits you at a time when you feel great but deep down you’re not. You’ve been pushing yourself too hard, have ignored the signs and just kept going. On Friday I hit that wall. After nearly 10 hours in the library I broke down when I came home.

Luckily, there was music and there was rain. So I went for a walk. I think I cried a bit too but who saw? It might as well have been rain.

I love the rain. I love when the ground gets wet. I love that after a little rain you might get lucky and see a rainbow glisten. I love the little puddles; and the big puddles. I become a child again. I jump in them. I don’t care who sees me. I live in my own world which is a little bit crazy; a little bit weird; and a little bit normal. My world is awesome, sometimes. Other times I wish it wasn’t my world. Times when everything seems to go wrong; when the world seems to be against me. But it doesn’t happen that often anymore, that the world is against me and it doesn’t last for days like it used to. I like to think it has something to do with me finally being able to change my life for the better.

I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions. Still, when the clock struck twelve on New Year’s Eve I promised myself that 2013 would be the year I finally fixed my life; fixed my world. I promised myself that 2013 would be the year I finally fixed what was broken years ago; I decided that I wasn’t going to let it define me anymore. Because why let my past define who I am, when I’m clearly not that girl anymore? When it’s evident I’ve actually changed? And I’ve changed a lot; not just the four-five months since 2013 started but since I moved away from home four-five years ago. That’s when I started changing. It’s taken me awhile but I finally feel it. I finally feel the change.

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The girl in the mirror has confidence. Finally she’s smiling. An inner joy is filling her body and puts a big smile on her face. The girl in the mirror has been through so much; and changed so much. The girl she used to be belongs to the past; the girl she’s become is the one she wants to be. The girl in the mirror has shape – an hourglass body shape is indicated with a dress she just a few months ago didn’t fit. The girl in the mirror has used energy and strength to get to where she is today. Energy and strength she didn’t even know she had. But everything has gone in the positive direction. The girl in the mirror is satisfied; satisfied with how life has turned out. The girl in the mirror is proud; proud of whom she become. No one can take away her pride. The girl in the mirror dares to be herself; she has a dream. The girl in the mirror has huge dreams; dreams she one day wish to accomplish.  

The girl in the mirror has my hair, my face and my body. The girl in the mirror resembles me. We could be twins. The girl in the mirror is smiling; smiling because she finally feels she on the right road in life. The girl in the mirror is smiling because she has so many great people in her life. The girl in the mirror is satisfied. The girl in the mirror has changed since she moved away from home four years ago. The girl in the mirror has lost weight. The girl in the mirror works out on a daily basis.

But does everybody else see what the girl in the mirror sees?

The girl in the mirror is me and I would like to tell you my story. I wish for some day that my words will give you the chills and bring tears in your eyes. Most of all I want my stories to show you why I have been so strong; so protective of myself. I want my stories to give you something to think about; how you behave and treat others around you. Because friends don’t grow on trees, and friends don’t just appear out of the blue. You have to make an effort. You have to take initiative. But for some that can be difficult. They have thoughts which give them low self-esteem; they think too much about how other people perceive them and forget to be themselves. They get lost in the crowd and forget to speak up. But I’m done being one among the crowd; I’m done not daring to speak up – I’m ready to be me. The girl in the mirror is me and she is a person; a person who is worth something. 

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There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart’s desire; the other is to gain it.

Once again you’ve managed to get trapped and be fooled by love. You don’t understand why you never learn. All love has ever given you is heartache and tears; and plenty of walks in the rain – because then no one can see you’re crying. You ask yourself why you haven’t experienced the greatness of love yet; the excitement of being in love with someone who’s in love with you. Time after time you’ve given up on love but then as time goes by you find yourself back at the starting point. You think maybe it’s time you got out of the circle you find yourself in and find new ways to go.

Love has never been easy; not for anyone. It certainly has broken your heart a numerous times. So why do you always let love trap you? One reason is probably the feeling that comes with it; the feeling that you’re high on life. You smile all the time. You don’t eat because of the butterflies flying around in your stomach. You drag yourself to school because you might see him because seeing him makes your day. But it’s just a crush; nothing more and out of fear you won’t do anything about it. With your past in the back of your mind you don’t do anything about it. But one day might have changed it all. You find yourself in a situation. Studying in the library and suddenly he sits down above you. You look at him in secret when you know he’s not looking; you steal glances at him when he’s busy reading. The moment he looks up; you look away pretending you’re reading something important – something interesting.

He’s the one you told your friend looked too young. But as the day goes by his looks grows on you; he’s cute; seems like a nice person; doesn’t really look that young or maybe you’re blinded. He’s strong; tall. During the day you drink coffee; lots of coffee; strong coffee. It makes you feel drunk and apparently has the same effect on you as alcohol. You become brave. Your stares become longer. I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. Then suddenly you stare a moment to long and your eyes meet. You quickly look down. But you’re not defeated. It happens again. But you forget to smile. It haunts your mind; your weird behavior.

Then Friday comes; you’re back at school. Coming back from lunch he walks by, turn his head and smile. You wish you had the power to rewind. Rewind and play it again; and again; and again. Maybe in slow motion; analyze where he was looking. Was he looking at you? Was his smile meant for you? Did you meet his eyes and smile back? Stop this. Just stop this. Stop this overanalyzing shit. Go back to studying. Get your mind over on something else. It was probably just a fraction of your imagination. You probably just saw what you wanted to see.