I’m still a coward –
And a heartless bitch
I’m a heartbreaker,
I’m cold as ice
What am I afraid of?
What do I have to lose?
What do my eyes hide?
Can you see my soul?
I’m the great pretender
Pretending that I don’t care
When all I want is to meet your eyes
What am I afraid of?
What do I have to lose?
You were never mine
I have nothing to lose
I’m arrogant; a coward;
A heartless bitch
I’m afraid to fall
But still, I want it all
Is it weird that walking in rain makes her happy?
The day got off on the wrong foot but ended up being a good day.
Is being seen, the same as being understood? Can the words a person writes tell you something about who she is – has been? Do you judge her by the words she writes even though they describe something happening a long time ago? Maybe it’s only now, when it’s in the distant past, she’s able to write it down; ready to tell the world.
She doesn’t write for empathy. She writes so other people can understand where she comes from; why she is the girl she is today. Let people know where her insecurities come from. That no matter how much weight she has lost she still see her old self staring back in the mirror.
They told her it would get better when she got older. That as soon as people got over the teenage years they would stop. Did they? The words might have stopped coming, but what they had said in the past still stuck with her. Being grown up didn’t erase that. As she got older and the past more distant she has been able to leave it all behind. She’s able to let it all go. But it takes time. And time goes fast; too fast sometimes.
She doesn’t know how much weight she has lost in kilos or pound. The number on the scale isn’t everything. But she can see she’s different and she feels different. It’s easier to run; easier to lift weights. Just hurrying home in the rain is easier. She isn’t out of breath after walking three flights of stairs – she used to – but not anymore. She does CrossFit once a week, who would have thought?
Clothes fit her better. Some she has thrown away because they were just too big. Life isn’t a dark hole anymore. She has escaped. And instead of existing day by day; she’s living and making plans for the future. The pessimist is slowly becoming an optimist. It isn’t done overnight. It takes time. But time is moving forward; not backwards. She doesn’t live in the past anymore; she lives for the future.
She is me. I used to be broken. I used to be hurt. Now, I’m happy. Happy with who I’ve become and who I’m becoming. I’m not perfect but have realized that I never will be. I used to be a troubled soul; not anymore. I’ve realized that life is what you make of it. Happiness comes from within. I’m the maker of my own happiness. All I can do is aspire to become the best version of myself!
It goes deep; these feelings of insecurity I have. They are rooted in fear and growing up being constantly told that no one’s ever going to love you because you’re too fat. Nothing changes even if you change; it’s still the same feeling. The voices are still there. So you look away. You’re ugly. There’s no point. It’s not worth it. You always look away. You live your life, always afraid. Wishing you had those beers in your system. Because then you’d be brave. Then you ignore the voices. You’re being yourself. You’re being confident. You would turn your head and look him in the eye; and smile. Not worrying about what if. You would just do it. No questions asked.
It doesn’t matter where you are or who you’re with. The voices always find you. They seek you out. They prey on you. They keep you down. You put up that wall. Make your appearance seem tough. Eat less, work out more. You run till you faint. No matter what, you always find time to work out. You don’t talk about your past to anyone; afraid of being judged. Afraid they’ll get scared and leave you alone. Afraid they’ll deem you a freak. How to explain that when there was no other way you found something sharp and made a tiny scratch on your right wrist? Still, you never seem to give up. You believe that someday you’ll experience that silver lining everybody’s talking about. Find that special someone who finally makes your life worth living. You have to believe. No matter what you have to believe that life will be okay. You made it this far. There’s no way you can give up now.
Just because I usually don’t cry, doesn’t mean my heart doesn’t’ cry because crying makes you weak. I know how to put on a brave face. I’m a master in wearing different masks. That’s what my past has taught me – to wear masks. Don’t let your bullies see that what they say affect you. Don’t let them see that their words make you cry. Cry in silence. Cry when you’re home in the comfort of your room. Don’t show them you’re weak. They want you to break. They want to feel superior. They want to make themselves feel better and they chose you.
I have experienced how much pain the heart can take. I was broken many years ago. My heart was broken many years ago but it’s still beating. Gradually I’ve glued myself back together. I might be whole again but the scars remain; both physical and mental. They stick with you. Wherever you go, you’ll never forget your past. As long as your heart is beating; the scars will be alive. They did this to you. They broke you.