Scribblings

Clandestiny

Silent all your life. Running without vision. Hollowed out inside. Wronging all that’s right. There’s no cost to be alive and no reason to escape from us. There’s no illness and no pain; haven’t found any suffering.

The road is long and bare. No clarity; no light. The moment came and swallowed us, blinding all our sight. We will keep you free from harm, all you have to do is stand with us. I will mend your wounded heart and resort the trials that you have lost.

Give your life so I can breathe. Save our lives, it’s all we need.

We can lead you under ground and devour our humanity. Follow me and follow sound to the end of your eternity.

Give your life so I can breathe. Save our lives, it’s all we need.

I have many memories from this place, both good and bad. It’s good to be back but I’ve changed since the last time I was here. I’ve come to realise that I’m not so dependent of the comfort I find here anymore. Finally, I’ve become the person I want to be. Finally, I’m free from the ties that binds me to this place.

Back when I used to live here I never used to this. Never. Not in a million years would the person I used to be go out, grab a bite and a drink alone. It’s been a struggle to get where I am today but when I move to London it didn’t take long before I did it all the time. And if  I could do it London then why not here? So, I grabbed a book and headed for what used to be my local pub.

Liberating is what it was!


Testing and trying out new beers have become a passion and interest of mine. In addition to getting my PGCE, it’s what I do for a living. I love it! There is plenty of liquid gold out there and trust me, I’m no talking about oil if that’s what you think!

I feel a sense of relief! I’ve only been here a day but who knew this was what I needed all along? All I needed was to get away [and someone to relieve the sexual frustration that has been building up for ages…]! I hopped on a train and let it take me away. Stayed a few nights in a hotel, had a fantastic breakfast and spent the days the way I wanted too.

When I returned after a year in London, I brought something back with me. It became a part of me and my lifestyle. People might think it’s weird – that I’m lonely. However, on a daily basis I’m constantly around people that when I finally get the chance to get out of the house apart from school and work, I’ve started to seize the opportunity instead of letting it slip away! So what if I’m alone in a pub, reading a book? That doesn’t necessarily mean I’m lonely, nor doesn’t mean I’m a loner.

Listen carefully and I’ll tell you what it means. It means I enjoy my own company and that I’m not dependent on other people!

There are a numerous of vacant tables… Why not sit there? Why did you have to invade my personal space? 


Liberate yourself from comparison and jealousy.

The leaves on the ground are dancing round and round in the wind. The only sound I hear is the music blasting in my ears. Puddles are drying in the sun. Schizophrenic weather is the correct terminology in my opinion. A few hours ago the rain came pouring down in buckets; now there isn’t a cloud in sight.

Rain… Rain… Rain… 

Is this seat taken? Yes! What a stupid question. Can’t you see there is obviously something sitting there? I’m sorry to have to be the one to telly you but I’m afraid that seat is reserved for my bag. You see I neither can nor wan’t to leave it on the floor. It’s too precious to me. But please don’t ask me how much it cost. It wasn’t really that expensive at all!


Lately, I’ve been wondering what the hell I’m doing. If it’s worth it, you know. Miles between us; cities apart. Why hold on to something that’s already dead?

Have you reached a verdict; made a decision? Have you truly made up your mind this time? Because this time it’s final. There’s no going back. You can’t play this stupid game anymore. He’s your could’ve been; should’ve been. But he never was and never will… I ask you again: have you come to a conclusion? 

Yes!

This time I have. I’ll admit I have mixed feelings about it but it’s not what I need anymore. I need my freedom. Freedom to do what I want with whomever I want. But I want you to know that I’m sad that it’s over but I also have to admit that I’m partly relieved and optimistic about the future.

He taught me to trust again. Taught me that not all men are bad and that it’s possible to let the wall down. I was afraid to lose you but you were never really mine. If only we’d had a second chance to meet for the first time. I wouldn’t have been the drugged and drunken girl you found walking alone on the street trying to find her way home. But you where there to save me and I will be forever grateful. Then the night comes and I’m all alone again…


I shed a few tears to today. I told myself not to cry because it’s over but instead smile because it happened! The missing piece of the puzzle is still out there, waiting to be found…

 

Scribblings

Afterwork

Alright, so here’s the thing: I’ve tried to stay anonymous. I’ve tried to hide behind the words that I write. I’ve tried to hide among common people. I’ve come to realise it’s not easy. It takes a lot of effort and hard work…

They call me ‘hell’. They call me ‘Stacey’. They call me ‘her’. They call me ‘Jane’. That’s not my name. That’s not my name. That’s not my name. That’s not my name. They call me ‘quiet’. But I’m a riot. Mary-Jo-Lisa. Always the same. That’s not my name. That’s not my name. That’s not my name. That’s not my name. 

Hell, actually that is my name. I applaud you. I salute you, even! After all these years you can still call me by my name! How on earth did you manage that? [sarcasm]

The past few months I’ve hated who I’ve become. But now? Oh, now life is pretty awesome – dare I say great? And it keeps coming down to being yourself.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I’ve renamed this blog from Scribblings of a Dreamer to Gone with the Wind on Wuthering Heights. In a way that sentence is an exact description of how I’ve been feeling for the past months. Yes, I’m perfectly aware that I haven’t changed the web address but don’t you worry about that because that my dear will never happen.

Tonight, I realised something. No, wait – this past week I’ve gradually come to realise something. Something that I deep down always have known but never lived by. Now, I can honestly say I’m living by it as well:

I’m being myself… and it is a self I’ve come to love! Self-esteem is a great thing…

This might end the post on a rude not, however, I don’t care. Be offended if you must. Here goes nothing. Hope grows inside me when I see people bigger than me out and about with people who [appears to] love them… it gives me hope that someday I’ll meet the cliche! Someday I too will experience this crazy little thing they call love!

I bet you’re picturing someone fat – someone gigantic/enormous in fact. But let me stop your fantasies right here and now… I’m not fat… I have what they nowadays call curves.

I know a lot of things and I’ve learnt a lot during my lifetime. But can someone please teach me how to flirt? But I have to warn you. I’m a lost cause…

Because who in this world could ever love a monster like me…?

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I’m back? (take two)

Hello there. It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I’ve neglected you, haven’t I? I’ve been distant and preoccupied with other things. I didn’t make you a priority and I’m sorry. Can you forgive me? Can we fix this and get back to the way things were? Is it possible? Did I mention I was sorry? Did I apologise?

Well, how long has it been? Three months?! Are you sure it’s been that long? That’s longer than I imagined. If only I had known. If only you had told me. Will you give a chance to explain? Did I have my chance; did I blew it?

The short version is that I lost my inspiration. It just disappeared. I had nothing to say; no words to write. But if you’ll give me a chance to make things right, I can’t promise I’ll check in and post something every day but what I can promise is that I’ll be better. Because it’s been a lonely life without you. And you know how I get when I let my toughts run wild and free in my head.

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11.02.2015

There are too many thoughts in my head. Running frantically round and round. Sometimes running a marathon. I try, but I can’t. I can’t  seem to write them down on a white piece of paper. They’re running too fast. Running away from me. I can’t catch a hold of them. There’s a whirlwind – a tornado if you like. Chaos.

There have been no walks in the fresh air. There have been no walks by the Thames, sipping my [black] coffee while music blasts in my ears. Volbeat. In Flames. Five Finger Death Punch. Or it might be the songs I’ve added to my March 2015 playlist. It all depends on my mood. There have been no walks by the Thames because I’ve been  sick. A runny nose, sore throat, and a little bit feverish. I’ve been exhausted. My body said stop and I nearly hit the wall. But I’m better now. 

I have a playlist consisting of 303 songs; one day, four hours, 46 minutes and 13 seconds. It’s an obsession. There’s a song to fit my every mood. It was created back in 2011 while I wrote my undergrad dissertation. I pressed play today when I finally could go for a walk along the Thames again. I hit shuffle and it was the best walk I’ve had for ages.

***

I tried to act normal and it was the worst five minutes of my life. I guess I’m just better at being weird. No, hang on, I’m better at being ME. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m not normal. Normal doesn’t exist in my vocabulary. I tried it once but I don’t ever want to do it again.

***

I’ve made very important plans for Saturday. It will be the best Saturday in ages. It’s going to be epic. I’m having a single’s party and you’re NOT invited. I’m buying loads of ice cream, whipped cream, and chocolate sauce. Oh, I’m not just going to buy it, I’m also going to eat it. Or, perhaps, I’ll buy a bottle of wine and drink it out of my new glass, a [stolen] souvenir from last Friday’s night out. All while watching House of Cards (season 2) or perhaps recap the last few episodes of Game of Thrones (season 4).

Guess it’s just another Saturday… Wait, hang on a minute, you’re saying it’s Valentine’s Da on Saturday? Well, it doesn’t matter because, as I’ve already told you, I have very important plans…

Do you  think I’m stupid? Don’t you think I know what day it is? How could anyone NOT know that Valentine’s Day is approaching? Even Starbucks had decorated their windows with hearts. And at WHSmith, it looked like Cupid had vomited all over the store!

Valentine’s Day is probably more fun if you’re in a relationship…

***

Putting on a fake smile is easier than explaining why you’re sad.

It’s less exhausting to live when you stop pretending to be someone you’re not.

Scribblings

3 May 2013, 23:27

I used to walk these hall every day. And every day, I dreaded walking these halls. What would they say? What would they do? Would they measure what I was wearing; how messy my hair was; how little make-up I had on? Never did I walk these halls with my head held high. I looked down. Out of fear. Fear of what might happen if my eyes caught theirs.

            What ya lookin’ at, freak?

I used to walk these halls afraid. I used to look at the floor, at people’s feet. Being back brings back memories, memories that still haunts me in my sleep, memories that turn my dreams to nightmares. Being back is making me wish I didn’t return. It’s too soon. So much has changed, and yet so little. It’s all coming back to me. I remember everything. How I used to hide out in the library. How being around books, especially the old classics – the love stories – became my comfort. My escape.

            Why did I come back for this? Why did I return? These people gave me nothing.

I returned for one reason, and one reason only: to show them I got over it. That no matter how much they tried, they could not break me. I returned to get my revenge. However, now I’m not sure I made the right decision. If I turned around and exited the building, no one would even know I had been here. It would be as it used to be. I would walk these halls as a ghost; a ghost longing for the great escape.

She stopped next to a row of lockers, took a deep breath and decided it wasn’t worth the pain. Instead of entering, she turned around and walked back the way she had come. That’s when she saw him. Her heart picked up the pace; her cheeks started burning. All she wanted was to disappear. Become the freak people didn’t always notice; one among the crowd.

There was only one problem, there was no crowd. He had seen her and she saw recognition in his eyes. Her feet was rooted to the spot. He was walking towards her and she couldn’t move. He looked even better now than he did in high school. College had been good to him and he was handsome in his suit. The closer he got, the more her body was shaking. She was so certain he had seen her. But, instead of saying hello, he walked past her and continued towards the cafeteria. Her heart exploded with pain and anger. She felt hurt. How could he still hate her after all these years?

Why did she come back for this? She should have known nothing good could have come from it. The people here had never given her anything. Her revenge wasn’t worth it. She was still walking these halls as a ghost. What good was revenge if they didn’t notice her – if they didn’t see her?

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Hello, it’s me…

…I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet to go over everything. They say that time’s supposed to heal ya, but I ain’t done much healing. Hello, can you hear me? [Hello by Adele]

My deepest apologies but I’ve been living off-the-grid for some time. After I completed my MA dissertation I needed time to heal. I never came back after nine days. When I finally escaped the zone, I found myself prisoned in a new one. Finishing my dissertation completely drained by battery; thwarted my inspiration and I didn’t feel like spending any more time in front of a computer. For while I went back to reading and stopped writing. Fifteen thousand words killed my inspiration. I lost my voice; my inspiration. I forgot how to write. Creating sentences with words was no longer an art I could master.

I’ve been absent for a very long time. I made a promise I couldn’t keep. I fell down a rabbit hole and ended up far away from Wonderland. There was no Queen of Hearts screaming “Off with their heads!”. Neither a rabbit with a pocket watch nor a mad hatter challenging me with his riddles.

Do you know me? Do you know my name? You might think you do but you don’t. If you were to guess: Where do you think I’m from? 

I took the anonymity of the World Wide Web for granted. Thought I could hide. For a moment I thought everyone I knew was reading the words I wrote and published. Paranoia got a hold of me. But I have remained anonymous. My cover has not been blown. You don’t know my name or my story.

There’s no excitement any more. No recognition of the hard work I do. No grades. No evaluation. Just people who think they’re better than me. I want out. I’m counting down the days. Till the end of April, they told me. I’ll hold you to it. Come May, I’ll be gone. I applied for a new job. I got a job interview this week. Hopefully, the outcome will be entirely positive. Edit: I got the job!

Once again I find myself at a crossroad and I don’t know which road to take. Do I go left, right or perhaps I should go straight ahead?

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Bring me to life

I used to be angry at the world. Music dictated my mood and apathy consumed me. You never saw a smile on my face. If you did, I’ll bet you a 100 quid it was fake. I was a master of disguise. I hid behind masks. I consumed my weight in food and ate the pain away. I died a slow and painful death. Every day a little piece of me died. Because I wasn’t happy. Because I wasn’t alive. I didn’t live my life. I let the past define me and words haunt me. I cried. I screamed. But no one listened. There was no sound. No words. Only silence. Silent screams. 

I wasn’t like the others. Didn’t look like the others. Had different clothes. I used to be fat and insecure. I cried myself to sleep. I was excluded. Wasn’t pretty enough. Wasn’t skinny enough. I stopped trusting. Music and books became my friends. My escape. I consumed the words. Listened till my ears bled. Everywhere I went books and music came with me. Always. Never alone. 

It wasn’t until I moved away from home and started university I felt free. Free from the past. Like the Phoenix I rose from the ashes. I started running. Faster and faster. I tried running from my demons. I tried running away from the storm. Instead, I hit a wall and I fell hard. Down into the dark abyss. Surrounded by darkness I was lost. I was blind and couldn’t see. I pushed too hard. I ran too fast. I lost myself searching for someone else. Something else. I tried to be someone else. But I could only be me. 

I used to be angry at the world. Then I found myself [cliché, I know]. I found a better version of me. I found the golden mean. The desirable middle between two extremes. I continued to run. But stopped running away from the storm and stopped waiting for the storm to pass. Instead, I learned to dance in the rain. I found my place. Started to dream. Worked hard. Lived life. I found my way out. Out of the abyss. Out of darkness. Like the Phoenix I rose from the ashes. 

The past is the past. Life starts now; life is now. If you want to be happy, be… 

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When the world explodes…

…just put on some music and shake it off. Because haters are always going to hate. If at first you don’t succeed, try again, and again, and again. Try, until you finally get it right. Shy away from drama queens and divas. Don’t let them get to you. Defend yourself against false accusations. If you fall, pick yourself up. And, if you’re going through hell? Well, then just keep going. Power through. Rise above. Be the bigger person. Because you know the truth.

Times like these it sucks to be a long way from home and your only option is to Skype your parents. Texting your mum if she’s can meet on Skype and she replies ‘she is’ with a smiley face attached. However, this is not a call to catch up. This time your face is red and puffy from all the crying. Your voice cracks a little when you speak. The bad connection makes it difficult to fully comprehend what you’re saying.

Somehow, you manage to explain what’s going on, they give you the best advice they can and you know deep down they wish they could do more. That if they could, they would, be here faster than the Flash. But, it’s okay. Just talking to them on Skype helps. It’s okay. Because you know the truth and they know you. They know you wouldn’t do something like this. They know you’re not a criminal. They know you’re not a thief.

I was tired of keeping my mouth shut. I decided to speak up. But she wouldn’t listen. I tried to scream. But her mind was made up. Would I react this way if I was guilty?

I have many beginnings but no middle and certainly no end. They told me a long time ago writing would be therapeutic. It would keep me from going insane. Writing would help me process things. I came here to escape my demons. To get away. But looking back I realize it didn’t work. They’ve caught up with me. They drive me to madness, and makes this world a cold, dark and lonely place. I try to ignore them but they keep on talking. The voices. They won’t go away. I wish they would just leave me alone.

London

Manic Monday

Mail collection closes at five pm, that’s fine. But when does it open? Not nine apparently… I know it might be early to some people but I’ve decided to have one of those long days in the library. I’m inspired to write my essays. Because the sooner I finish them or the more time I spend writing them – the faster time goes. And I want it to fly by! I wan’t it to be Christmas already, I want to go home, I want to be on that plane taking me home to my parents, I want to eat good food (not lazy food cooked after hours in the library), I want to sleep in, curl up on the couch with a good book and drink hot chocolate with cream on top, and most of all I want to go home so I can buy a new computer. My life would be so much easier… Digression, let’s get back on track. So you see, I won’t be home before five today either so I thought I could collect it [my mail/letter] on the way. But I was wrong. But here’s a tip: put up a sign displaying the opening hours instead of being mean when I politely ask if there’s any mail. Thank you!, that would be much appreciated.

As if that wasn’t enough, then I meet these people standing on the pavement, waiting for the bus. Some of them have probably been waiting in the same spot for minutes and are afraid to give it up. They’re afraid they won’t get on the bus. I wouldn’t worry, the bus is not going to leave without you. But, honey, when people are trying to pass by from both directions you need to move. Not everyone is lazy and take the bus a few stop to main campus. Some of us actually enjoy the walk. And hey, it takes you like ten-fifteen minutes, the same time you spend out here waiting in the cold for the bus. I realize some of them are probably going to work somewhere else, but still, you have to move… I though English people were supposed to be polite?

Finally, I reach Starbucks – holy ground. It brings me my daily drug. I get my coffee (paid for it of course) and all is good in the world. And yes, I did get my letter.

Now, I’m in my spot at the library. Yes, I have a little female Sheldon in me. Don’t judge. It’s time to get these essays done. Maybe I need another cup of coffee first? It’s just one of those Mondays where coffee is the only thing that helps and it does help my motivation too, you know…

Step aside Monday, this is a job for coffee!

I’m still alive and well. There are now five days (counting today) until my first deadline: three essays and 9500 words in total; there are seven days until my second deadline: 10 minute presentation; and there are 8 days until my third deadline: 5-10 minute presentation (still a little confused about that one). I think I’m going to make it. Got one essay done, the worst one, another one almost done [plan to get it done by today] and the last essay, well I might get it done either today or tomorrow. It all depends on how inspired I’ll be. It looks promising though, I got a good night sleep and there is so much to look forward too after the essays are done. That alone is enough to motivate me!

Let’s start typing!!!