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11.02.2015

There are too many thoughts in my head. Running frantically round and round. Sometimes running a marathon. I try, but I can’t. I can’t  seem to write them down on a white piece of paper. They’re running too fast. Running away from me. I can’t catch a hold of them. There’s a whirlwind – a tornado if you like. Chaos.

There have been no walks in the fresh air. There have been no walks by the Thames, sipping my [black] coffee while music blasts in my ears. Volbeat. In Flames. Five Finger Death Punch. Or it might be the songs I’ve added to my March 2015 playlist. It all depends on my mood. There have been no walks by the Thames because I’ve been  sick. A runny nose, sore throat, and a little bit feverish. I’ve been exhausted. My body said stop and I nearly hit the wall. But I’m better now. 

I have a playlist consisting of 303 songs; one day, four hours, 46 minutes and 13 seconds. It’s an obsession. There’s a song to fit my every mood. It was created back in 2011 while I wrote my undergrad dissertation. I pressed play today when I finally could go for a walk along the Thames again. I hit shuffle and it was the best walk I’ve had for ages.

***

I tried to act normal and it was the worst five minutes of my life. I guess I’m just better at being weird. No, hang on, I’m better at being ME. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m not normal. Normal doesn’t exist in my vocabulary. I tried it once but I don’t ever want to do it again.

***

I’ve made very important plans for Saturday. It will be the best Saturday in ages. It’s going to be epic. I’m having a single’s party and you’re NOT invited. I’m buying loads of ice cream, whipped cream, and chocolate sauce. Oh, I’m not just going to buy it, I’m also going to eat it. Or, perhaps, I’ll buy a bottle of wine and drink it out of my new glass, a [stolen] souvenir from last Friday’s night out. All while watching House of Cards (season 2) or perhaps recap the last few episodes of Game of Thrones (season 4).

Guess it’s just another Saturday… Wait, hang on a minute, you’re saying it’s Valentine’s Da on Saturday? Well, it doesn’t matter because, as I’ve already told you, I have very important plans…

Do you  think I’m stupid? Don’t you think I know what day it is? How could anyone NOT know that Valentine’s Day is approaching? Even Starbucks had decorated their windows with hearts. And at WHSmith, it looked like Cupid had vomited all over the store!

Valentine’s Day is probably more fun if you’re in a relationship…

***

Putting on a fake smile is easier than explaining why you’re sad.

It’s less exhausting to live when you stop pretending to be someone you’re not.

London

Superwoman

This has been one of those days were I feel like superwoman. I can do it all. Live an ordinary life alongside being a superhero. Waking up early is fantastic. I’ve gotten so much done today. Read articles and wrote a few paragraphs of my essay before I travelled to central London. Walked around central; bought tea at Harrods; walked all the way around Buckingham Palace. Just because I turned right and headed down the wrong street, but, it didn’t matter because the sun was shining. I met up with friends for a pint; walked some more before I took a break at Starbucks, just off Regent Street, read a few pages while drinking my Mocha Frappuccino. Then I continued down Regent Street, popped into Boots and bought some necessities, and then finally heading down to the underground. Took the Piccadilly Line, during rush hour, to Hammersmith, bought some food at Sainsbury’s, and then finally took the bus home. Home to eat dinner and watch one episode of the many TV-shows I follow, the rest of the evening I’ll have to spend working on my essay. I had a good feeling about it this morning and it made me a little bit more motivated to get it done. Because today I’m Superwoman. Or, I guess waking up early isn’t fantastic when you’re tired at nine o’clock. I don’t feel like spending hours working on my essay, instead I’m cold, tired and I want to sleep. However, I can’t,there have to be words read and written before I can go to sleep. Besides, Superwoman doesn’t go to bed at nine anyway!

London

Manic Monday

Mail collection closes at five pm, that’s fine. But when does it open? Not nine apparently… I know it might be early to some people but I’ve decided to have one of those long days in the library. I’m inspired to write my essays. Because the sooner I finish them or the more time I spend writing them – the faster time goes. And I want it to fly by! I wan’t it to be Christmas already, I want to go home, I want to be on that plane taking me home to my parents, I want to eat good food (not lazy food cooked after hours in the library), I want to sleep in, curl up on the couch with a good book and drink hot chocolate with cream on top, and most of all I want to go home so I can buy a new computer. My life would be so much easier… Digression, let’s get back on track. So you see, I won’t be home before five today either so I thought I could collect it [my mail/letter] on the way. But I was wrong. But here’s a tip: put up a sign displaying the opening hours instead of being mean when I politely ask if there’s any mail. Thank you!, that would be much appreciated.

As if that wasn’t enough, then I meet these people standing on the pavement, waiting for the bus. Some of them have probably been waiting in the same spot for minutes and are afraid to give it up. They’re afraid they won’t get on the bus. I wouldn’t worry, the bus is not going to leave without you. But, honey, when people are trying to pass by from both directions you need to move. Not everyone is lazy and take the bus a few stop to main campus. Some of us actually enjoy the walk. And hey, it takes you like ten-fifteen minutes, the same time you spend out here waiting in the cold for the bus. I realize some of them are probably going to work somewhere else, but still, you have to move… I though English people were supposed to be polite?

Finally, I reach Starbucks – holy ground. It brings me my daily drug. I get my coffee (paid for it of course) and all is good in the world. And yes, I did get my letter.

Now, I’m in my spot at the library. Yes, I have a little female Sheldon in me. Don’t judge. It’s time to get these essays done. Maybe I need another cup of coffee first? It’s just one of those Mondays where coffee is the only thing that helps and it does help my motivation too, you know…

Step aside Monday, this is a job for coffee!

I’m still alive and well. There are now five days (counting today) until my first deadline: three essays and 9500 words in total; there are seven days until my second deadline: 10 minute presentation; and there are 8 days until my third deadline: 5-10 minute presentation (still a little confused about that one). I think I’m going to make it. Got one essay done, the worst one, another one almost done [plan to get it done by today] and the last essay, well I might get it done either today or tomorrow. It all depends on how inspired I’ll be. It looks promising though, I got a good night sleep and there is so much to look forward too after the essays are done. That alone is enough to motivate me!

Let’s start typing!!!

London

London calling

It’s only 20 minutes away. I hear it screaming my name; longing for me to visit. I’m coming. I’m making the journey on Friday. I don’t care if people are going to Westfield followed by a night out in central London on Saturday, Portobello Market on Sunday, Paris and Disneyland later this month – I just don’t care. I’m not going with them and I’m fine with that. First of all, I don’t have the money (I could ask my parents for help but I don’t feel it’s the right thing to do because I didn’t come here to shop and travel), I came here to study which is my second point. Third, I need to recharge my batteries and find back to the happy me. I’m an introvert and my limited resource is running low.

Introverted people live in a human-sized hamsterball [not really, but you know what I mean]. The major trait of a true introvert, as opposed to someone who is withdrawn, is how they gather energy.

Extroverted people gather energy from their surroundings. They absorb the “good vibes” of the people around them and thus need a lot of social interaction. Introverted people make their own energy and, rather than taking it from others, give it on social contact. This means that they naturally find most interaction exhausting and need time to recharge.

Because this energy is a limited resource, they tend to see extroverts as obnoxious predators out to steal their sweet, sweet energy juices. That’s why they have the hamsterball of personal space.

Just because someone is introverted doesn’t mean they don’t like company. Interaction is just expensive and they don’t want to spend it on something annoying [read: wasteful]. Here’s what you do:

Say hello, be polite and relaxed, show that you recognize and approve of their presence. It is important for introverts to feel welcome. They won’t spend their precious energy on someone who doesn’t want them around. If you have interesting/important news to mention, mention it. Just don’t press for gossip. They go back to whatever they were doing. Now the introverts know that you are friendly and open to interaction, but will not push them into spending energy if they have no need to.

That’s why I need to get away. Answer the call. I can hear London calling and it’s getting louder. I want to explore London alone. I need to explore London alone. I need to escape the world I live in, if only for a little while. I need to be by myself. It’s time to put myself on top of the list. Visit stores I want to; spend as much time at Waterstones, h&m, Primark, Zara, Selfridges, Harrods, Hamleys as I want … Just look around and recharge. Go to a pub and buy myself a pint; coffee at Starbucks and just look at people hurrying buy – looking at their phones. Buy images, posters, signs with encouraging words to decorate my room.

Because when it all comes down to it it’s not about the shopping, it’s not about spending money – it’s about getting away from this small town for a few hours. It’s about disconnecting from Facebook, the people around me – to have a few hours, maybe a day on my premises. Because I’ve discovered that I’m only good enough when people need something from me and I’m tired of it.

London

London, baby!

I’m finally here. In London. The capital of Great Britain. I can’t wait to get out and explore more, these past few days has been all about exploring the Roehampton campus.

I can’t wait to travel with the tube again, walk the Embankment, see the Parliament/Big Ben and attend a debate, watch a committee hearing or take a tour inside,  maybe take a trip on the London Eye, walk up and down Oxford Street, take lots and lots of pictures, see a musical or two, see the autumn in Hyde Park, have tea with Queen Elizabeth (albeit that is unlikely), go to Covent Garden and Carnaby Street, visit Hamleys and be a child for a day, go to Piccadilly Circus and the huge Waterstones bookstore, and so on. There are so many things I want to do and there are so many things I’ll make the time to do. It’s good I have the entire year to complete my list.

But most of all I’m looking forward to just seeing London again. The city I fell in love with when I was here for the first time back in 2003. I just knew when I sat on the plane on my way home that I was coming back. I just didn’t know when. I fell even more in love when I returned in 2006 and spent a day in Oxford. Then I returned again in 2008 to celebrate my birthday. Now, I have finally returned to my favourite city and it’s not a holiday. I’m going to live in London for an entire year.

I’m glad I’m not living in the centre of it all. I’m glad I have the option to make a journey into London whenever I feel like it. Just walk around and enjoy life.

London_From_Sky-wallpaper-10379263
Source: Backgrounds (mobile app)
London

thoughts

I’m a victim of my own mind. They always appear late at night. Always at the time when I’m tired and all I really want to do is get some sleep. But I can’t because they’re depriving me of it. They’re running wild, from this to that. Always asking questions I can’t answer. Making my heart beat faster and stressing me out. I try to tune them out but it’s not easy when they’re stuck inside my head. They make me scared, make me doubt myself and believe I can’t do this; that I will be a failure. But I refuse to let them get to me. Why can’t I do this?

Time and again I refuse to let them get to me; this is my dream and always has been my dream. Of course I’m going to make it; this is what I want. What I’ve always wanted, so why can’t I? I’m going to prove them wrong. All of those who doubted me in the past, and I’m going to prove my own thoughts wrong.  I’ve decided to turn my back on the past. History is designed to be rewritten.

“When you’re tired of London, you’re tired of life.”

There’s no place like London. It’s not just another capital city. There’s something special about it. It’s my Wonderland. It’s a thriving metropolis with a unique personality formed by iconic landmarks, centuries of history, world-class shopping and achingly cool fashion, arts and food scenes. I can’t wait to get there. All right, that’s a little white lie. I’m going to London but I’m going to a suburban district south-west in London. Still, the metropolitan part of London is only 20-30 minutes away and the transport system in London with its underground, overground, trains and busses will take you anywhere you would like to go.

“A bad day in London is still better than a good day anywhere else.”

But most days I’m looking forward to this new adventure I’m soon embarking on. I’ve decided to wake up and chase my dreams, instead of continue to sleep with them [my dreams].