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‘Curiouser and Curiouser!’

I’m lost. Lost between dreams and reality. I live in a world between dreams and reality. It’s my world. It’s a world where everything is nonsense. But, it would be so nice if something made sense for a change. If I only knew where to find the closet, I would go to Narnia. If I knew the right direction, I would fly to Neverland. If I met a White Rabbit with a pocket watch, I would follow him down the rabbit hole and venture into the unknown. I would eat the cake that said, “eat me” and I would drink from the bottle which said “drink me”.

If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn’t. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn’t be. And what it wouldn’t be, it would. You see?

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Down by the sea where the waves hit the shore walks a girl all to herself. No one can possible know what goes through her mind or what her heart truly desires. The waves give her inner peace; clears her mind and helps putting the pieces in the confusing puzzle that is her life, back together. Her heart has been broken and shattered; its color has turned grey. The raindrops mix with the salty tears running down her cheeks but since it is raining no one can see she’s crying. Her gaze turns to watch the horizon where the sun in a few hours will rise and gently shed its light on the deep blue ocean. Oh, how she longed to be one with the sea. Suddenly, she took one step, then another and before she knew it she was surrounded by water. Her tears washed away, she took one last breath and her lungs filled with water.

The ocean was colder than she imagined and the waves were stronger. They pulled her down towards the seabed and while she was pulled down she desperately tried to grasp hold of something but the water just flowed right through her fingers. Nothing to hold on to there was no way back. They say that when you die your life flashes before your eyes; one last time to enjoy your memories before you’re nothing else but a fragment in someone else’s memory. There were no flashes of memory; just darkness. Then suddenly something grabbed her tightly around her waist and pulled her towards the surface; or was it pulling her farther down? She had lost the direction; didn’t know which was up and what was down. Her mind had given up a long time ago – now her body could finally let go too. Her lungs were filling up with salt water and soon she would have to take her last breath. Finally, she could stop pretending and at long last her heart could one last time become red again.

There was a reason why she had chosen the ocean. Then she didn’t have to feel the tears and be reminded that she was alive; and how a part of her still desperately wanted to be alive. How could she do this? How could she inflict this pain on others? It would have been alright if she had been alone in the world but she wasn’t; she left behind a family who loved her deeply. And just like that it dawned on her what she was about to do. She did not want to die. She wanted to be alive. What if she sometimes hit rock bottom? She could find other ways to overcome that if she could only get above water and breathe in the fresh air. She tried to swim towards the surface but the current was too strong and pulled her down, and she realized it was a fight she was destined to lose. But she couldn’t give up without a fight; she wanted to continue living!