Scribblings

Clandestiny

Silent all your life. Running without vision. Hollowed out inside. Wronging all that’s right. There’s no cost to be alive and no reason to escape from us. There’s no illness and no pain; haven’t found any suffering.

The road is long and bare. No clarity; no light. The moment came and swallowed us, blinding all our sight. We will keep you free from harm, all you have to do is stand with us. I will mend your wounded heart and resort the trials that you have lost.

Give your life so I can breathe. Save our lives, it’s all we need.

We can lead you under ground and devour our humanity. Follow me and follow sound to the end of your eternity.

Give your life so I can breathe. Save our lives, it’s all we need.

I have many memories from this place, both good and bad. It’s good to be back but I’ve changed since the last time I was here. I’ve come to realise that I’m not so dependent of the comfort I find here anymore. Finally, I’ve become the person I want to be. Finally, I’m free from the ties that binds me to this place.

Back when I used to live here I never used to this. Never. Not in a million years would the person I used to be go out, grab a bite and a drink alone. It’s been a struggle to get where I am today but when I move to London it didn’t take long before I did it all the time. And if  I could do it London then why not here? So, I grabbed a book and headed for what used to be my local pub.

Liberating is what it was!


Testing and trying out new beers have become a passion and interest of mine. In addition to getting my PGCE, it’s what I do for a living. I love it! There is plenty of liquid gold out there and trust me, I’m no talking about oil if that’s what you think!

I feel a sense of relief! I’ve only been here a day but who knew this was what I needed all along? All I needed was to get away [and someone to relieve the sexual frustration that has been building up for ages…]! I hopped on a train and let it take me away. Stayed a few nights in a hotel, had a fantastic breakfast and spent the days the way I wanted too.

When I returned after a year in London, I brought something back with me. It became a part of me and my lifestyle. People might think it’s weird – that I’m lonely. However, on a daily basis I’m constantly around people that when I finally get the chance to get out of the house apart from school and work, I’ve started to seize the opportunity instead of letting it slip away! So what if I’m alone in a pub, reading a book? That doesn’t necessarily mean I’m lonely, nor doesn’t mean I’m a loner.

Listen carefully and I’ll tell you what it means. It means I enjoy my own company and that I’m not dependent on other people!

There are a numerous of vacant tables… Why not sit there? Why did you have to invade my personal space? 


Liberate yourself from comparison and jealousy.

The leaves on the ground are dancing round and round in the wind. The only sound I hear is the music blasting in my ears. Puddles are drying in the sun. Schizophrenic weather is the correct terminology in my opinion. A few hours ago the rain came pouring down in buckets; now there isn’t a cloud in sight.

Rain… Rain… Rain… 

Is this seat taken? Yes! What a stupid question. Can’t you see there is obviously something sitting there? I’m sorry to have to be the one to telly you but I’m afraid that seat is reserved for my bag. You see I neither can nor wan’t to leave it on the floor. It’s too precious to me. But please don’t ask me how much it cost. It wasn’t really that expensive at all!


Lately, I’ve been wondering what the hell I’m doing. If it’s worth it, you know. Miles between us; cities apart. Why hold on to something that’s already dead?

Have you reached a verdict; made a decision? Have you truly made up your mind this time? Because this time it’s final. There’s no going back. You can’t play this stupid game anymore. He’s your could’ve been; should’ve been. But he never was and never will… I ask you again: have you come to a conclusion? 

Yes!

This time I have. I’ll admit I have mixed feelings about it but it’s not what I need anymore. I need my freedom. Freedom to do what I want with whomever I want. But I want you to know that I’m sad that it’s over but I also have to admit that I’m partly relieved and optimistic about the future.

He taught me to trust again. Taught me that not all men are bad and that it’s possible to let the wall down. I was afraid to lose you but you were never really mine. If only we’d had a second chance to meet for the first time. I wouldn’t have been the drugged and drunken girl you found walking alone on the street trying to find her way home. But you where there to save me and I will be forever grateful. Then the night comes and I’m all alone again…


I shed a few tears to today. I told myself not to cry because it’s over but instead smile because it happened! The missing piece of the puzzle is still out there, waiting to be found…

 

Advertisements
Scribblings

/ɪnˌfatʃʊˈeɪʃ(ə)n

Infatuation is an intense but short-lived passion or admiration for someone [or something]. 

I could get lost in those eyes. When looking in my direction I’m secretly hoping they’re looking at me. And don’t forget that voice… Yup, she’s back! I’ve been down this road before… She’s found someone to rest her eyes upon during the lectures. She found him! Yet, then again… Why would he be single? He’s too handsome!

In the end, it doesn’t matter because I’ll only end up building a wall around myself. I’ll put my mask back on. Hide my vulnerability. Disguise that feeling I get in my body at all costs. Why do I still let love frighten me? Is it because I’ve been told too many times that I’m too ugly to be loved – too fat?

I wish I could describe your eyes. I wish I could tell you how the sound of your voice gives me butterflies and how your smile makes my heart skip a beat. I used to be invisible to the rest of the world. Then as if I was hit by lighting I decided it was time to take off my invisibility cloak. It was time to stop hiding.

From now on, I’m going to stop hating myself for what I’m not and start loving myself for who I am! I only wish I knew what he sees – if it is me he’s looking at…!?

Uncategorized

11.02.2015

There are too many thoughts in my head. Running frantically round and round. Sometimes running a marathon. I try, but I can’t. I can’t  seem to write them down on a white piece of paper. They’re running too fast. Running away from me. I can’t catch a hold of them. There’s a whirlwind – a tornado if you like. Chaos.

There have been no walks in the fresh air. There have been no walks by the Thames, sipping my [black] coffee while music blasts in my ears. Volbeat. In Flames. Five Finger Death Punch. Or it might be the songs I’ve added to my March 2015 playlist. It all depends on my mood. There have been no walks by the Thames because I’ve been  sick. A runny nose, sore throat, and a little bit feverish. I’ve been exhausted. My body said stop and I nearly hit the wall. But I’m better now. 

I have a playlist consisting of 303 songs; one day, four hours, 46 minutes and 13 seconds. It’s an obsession. There’s a song to fit my every mood. It was created back in 2011 while I wrote my undergrad dissertation. I pressed play today when I finally could go for a walk along the Thames again. I hit shuffle and it was the best walk I’ve had for ages.

***

I tried to act normal and it was the worst five minutes of my life. I guess I’m just better at being weird. No, hang on, I’m better at being ME. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m not normal. Normal doesn’t exist in my vocabulary. I tried it once but I don’t ever want to do it again.

***

I’ve made very important plans for Saturday. It will be the best Saturday in ages. It’s going to be epic. I’m having a single’s party and you’re NOT invited. I’m buying loads of ice cream, whipped cream, and chocolate sauce. Oh, I’m not just going to buy it, I’m also going to eat it. Or, perhaps, I’ll buy a bottle of wine and drink it out of my new glass, a [stolen] souvenir from last Friday’s night out. All while watching House of Cards (season 2) or perhaps recap the last few episodes of Game of Thrones (season 4).

Guess it’s just another Saturday… Wait, hang on a minute, you’re saying it’s Valentine’s Da on Saturday? Well, it doesn’t matter because, as I’ve already told you, I have very important plans…

Do you  think I’m stupid? Don’t you think I know what day it is? How could anyone NOT know that Valentine’s Day is approaching? Even Starbucks had decorated their windows with hearts. And at WHSmith, it looked like Cupid had vomited all over the store!

Valentine’s Day is probably more fun if you’re in a relationship…

***

Putting on a fake smile is easier than explaining why you’re sad.

It’s less exhausting to live when you stop pretending to be someone you’re not.

Uncategorized

Philophobia

is fear of emotional attachment; fear of being in, or falling in love.

I’m only afraid of not being loved in return and I fear that I’ll only end up getting hurt (agliophobia). But then again, as Bertrand Russell writes in Marriage and Morals (1929: ch. 19):

To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead.

 

Poem

You were never here
We were never meant to be
I didn’t open my eyes and see
I let it drift away, into the sea

My heart knows better than I know
It starts with a little feeling
Then it grows, bigger and bigger
Until the heart decides to let go.

Will you walk with me,
Along the deserted road?
Hold my hand and lead me safely home?
Will you take me with you,
On your journey towards the end?

(© October, 2014)

Uncategorized

Broken Crown

Touch my mouth and hold my tongue, I’ll never be your chosen one, I’ll be home safe and tucked away. Well, you can’t tempt me if I don’t see the day. The pull on my flesh was just too strong, stifled the choice and the air in my lungs. Better not, to breathe than to breathe a lie. ‘Cause when I opened my body I breathe in a lie.  But oh, my heart was flawed I knew my weakness. So hold my hand consign me not to darkness.
~ Broken Crown by Mumford & Sons

As the song Broken Crown by Mumford & Sons was playing in my ears my thoughts drifted off. It has been a while since the last time my thoughts wandered off like this. I guess tonight was a special night. For once I felt great. As if I could overcome every obstacle life might throw at me. It’s not every day I feel this way. I expect too much from life, I guess. There are people in this world who doesn’t know if they will live to see another day, and I complain that I’m single and alone. The only thing I constantly miss in life is somebody to love; a man who loves me back. But I can’t lose hope. Someday it will be my turn; someday I’ll meet him – the man who will make my life even better – the man who will make my life worth even more. All I have to do is believe – believe in love. I can’t go around waiting. Because love happens when you least expect it and lot it never happens like you think it really should. There are so many other things to cherish in life while waiting for love. And as long as I believe, it will happen – someday – all I can do is be myself.

Poem

First you’re going to smile.

But then what?

What to do next?

♥ 

That’s the scary part.

Not knowing what will happen.  

What happens after the smile?

♥ 

Will it be returned or will be it ignored?

Will your dreams be crushed?

Or will your dreams come true?

♥ 

It’s time to take chances –  

Let down the wall

You need to open up and let people in

First you’re going to smile.

Take a chance –

See what happens 

©