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It ain’t me

I had a dream, we were sipping whiskey neat. Highest floor, The Bowery and I was high enough. Somewhere along the lines we stopped seeing eye to eye. You were staying out all night and I had enough. No, I don’t want to know where you’ve been or where you’re going but I know I won’t be home and you’ll be on your own.

Who’s going to walk you through the dark side of the morning? Who’s going to rock you when the sun won’t let you sleep? Who’s waking up to drive you home when you’re drunk and all alone? Who’s going to walk you through the dark side of the morning? It ain’t me… 

I had a dream we were back to seventeen. Summer nights and the liberties, never growing up. I’ll take with me the Polaroids and the memories but you know I’m going to leave behind the worst of us.

Who’s going to walk you through the dark side of the morning? Who’s going to rock you when the sun won’t let you sleep? Who’s waking up to drive you home when you’re drunk and all alone? Who’s going to walk you through the dark side of the morning? It ain’t me… 

Kygo feat. Selena Gomez
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11.02.2015

There are too many thoughts in my head. Running frantically round and round. Sometimes running a marathon. I try, but I can’t. I can’t  seem to write them down on a white piece of paper. They’re running too fast. Running away from me. I can’t catch a hold of them. There’s a whirlwind – a tornado if you like. Chaos.

There have been no walks in the fresh air. There have been no walks by the Thames, sipping my [black] coffee while music blasts in my ears. Volbeat. In Flames. Five Finger Death Punch. Or it might be the songs I’ve added to my March 2015 playlist. It all depends on my mood. There have been no walks by the Thames because I’ve been  sick. A runny nose, sore throat, and a little bit feverish. I’ve been exhausted. My body said stop and I nearly hit the wall. But I’m better now. 

I have a playlist consisting of 303 songs; one day, four hours, 46 minutes and 13 seconds. It’s an obsession. There’s a song to fit my every mood. It was created back in 2011 while I wrote my undergrad dissertation. I pressed play today when I finally could go for a walk along the Thames again. I hit shuffle and it was the best walk I’ve had for ages.

***

I tried to act normal and it was the worst five minutes of my life. I guess I’m just better at being weird. No, hang on, I’m better at being ME. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m not normal. Normal doesn’t exist in my vocabulary. I tried it once but I don’t ever want to do it again.

***

I’ve made very important plans for Saturday. It will be the best Saturday in ages. It’s going to be epic. I’m having a single’s party and you’re NOT invited. I’m buying loads of ice cream, whipped cream, and chocolate sauce. Oh, I’m not just going to buy it, I’m also going to eat it. Or, perhaps, I’ll buy a bottle of wine and drink it out of my new glass, a [stolen] souvenir from last Friday’s night out. All while watching House of Cards (season 2) or perhaps recap the last few episodes of Game of Thrones (season 4).

Guess it’s just another Saturday… Wait, hang on a minute, you’re saying it’s Valentine’s Da on Saturday? Well, it doesn’t matter because, as I’ve already told you, I have very important plans…

Do you  think I’m stupid? Don’t you think I know what day it is? How could anyone NOT know that Valentine’s Day is approaching? Even Starbucks had decorated their windows with hearts. And at WHSmith, it looked like Cupid had vomited all over the store!

Valentine’s Day is probably more fun if you’re in a relationship…

***

Putting on a fake smile is easier than explaining why you’re sad.

It’s less exhausting to live when you stop pretending to be someone you’re not.

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Bring me to life

I used to be angry at the world. Music dictated my mood and apathy consumed me. You never saw a smile on my face. If you did, I’ll bet you a 100 quid it was fake. I was a master of disguise. I hid behind masks. I consumed my weight in food and ate the pain away. I died a slow and painful death. Every day a little piece of me died. Because I wasn’t happy. Because I wasn’t alive. I didn’t live my life. I let the past define me and words haunt me. I cried. I screamed. But no one listened. There was no sound. No words. Only silence. Silent screams. 

I wasn’t like the others. Didn’t look like the others. Had different clothes. I used to be fat and insecure. I cried myself to sleep. I was excluded. Wasn’t pretty enough. Wasn’t skinny enough. I stopped trusting. Music and books became my friends. My escape. I consumed the words. Listened till my ears bled. Everywhere I went books and music came with me. Always. Never alone. 

It wasn’t until I moved away from home and started university I felt free. Free from the past. Like the Phoenix I rose from the ashes. I started running. Faster and faster. I tried running from my demons. I tried running away from the storm. Instead, I hit a wall and I fell hard. Down into the dark abyss. Surrounded by darkness I was lost. I was blind and couldn’t see. I pushed too hard. I ran too fast. I lost myself searching for someone else. Something else. I tried to be someone else. But I could only be me. 

I used to be angry at the world. Then I found myself [cliché, I know]. I found a better version of me. I found the golden mean. The desirable middle between two extremes. I continued to run. But stopped running away from the storm and stopped waiting for the storm to pass. Instead, I learned to dance in the rain. I found my place. Started to dream. Worked hard. Lived life. I found my way out. Out of the abyss. Out of darkness. Like the Phoenix I rose from the ashes. 

The past is the past. Life starts now; life is now. If you want to be happy, be… 

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Another Day, Another Way

There are plenty of thoughts in my head. Running frantically around. Sometimes running a marathon. But I can’t get them down on a piece of paper – can’t write them down. They’re running to fast. I can’t catch a hold of them. There’s a whirlwind – a tornado if you like. Chaos. There have been no walks in the fresh air. There have been no walks by the Thames sipping my [black] coffee while music is blasting in my ears. Volbeat. In Flames. Five Finger Death Punch. I’ve been sick. Runny nose, sore throat and little bit feverish. I’ve been exhausted. My body said stop and I nearly hit the wall. But I’m better now.

I have this playlist with 303 songs; 1 day, 4 hours, 46 minutes and 13 seconds. It’s becoming an obsession. There’s always a song in there to fit my mood. Several songs in fact. I created it last year while I wrote my undergrad dissertation. I put it on today when I finally could go for my walk along the Thames again. I hit shuffle and it was the best walk in ages.

I tried to act normal and it was the worst five minutes of my life. I’m better at being weird. I’m better at being me. And I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m not normal. Normal doesn’t exist in my vocabulary. I tried it once and I don’t ever want to do it again.

I have big plans for Saturday. It’s going to be the best Saturday ever. I’m having a single’s party and you’re not invited. I’m going to buy loads of ice cream, whipped cream, and chocolate sauce.  I’m not just going to buy it, I’m also going to eat it. Maybe I’ll buy a bottle of wine and drink out of my new glass, a [stolen] souvenir from last Friday’s night out. All while watching House of Cards (season 2) or perhaps recap the last few episodes of Game of Thrones (season 4). I guess it’s just any other Saturday… Wait, hang on a minute, is it Valentine’s Day on Saturday you say? Well, it doesn’t matter because, as you can see, I have big plans.

faf
Source: weheartit

 

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the sun is rising

I feel like shit but at least I feel something. I’m having one of those days. Those days where everything goes wrong and nothing feels right. But it doesn’t matter because I know it will pass. I got to keep on going, looking straight out on the road. There’s no use worrying about what lies behind me or what’s coming further up the road. Because I won’t take the easy road, I just won’t. Besides there’s nothing a little music can’t fix. 

Whatever you’re facing, if your heart is breaking. There’s a promise for the ones who just hold on. Lift up your eyes and see the sun is rising. 

I watched The Other Woman the other day. I liked it. A really feel-good movie. Funny too. I like movies and books which make me forget the world, even if it’s just for a little while. It’s my escape. 

Someday, I’ll find the right words. I will belong or I will wander. Somewhere, over the mountain; under the great sky, I’ll be all right. 

My favorite songs at the moment:  

  • Lily & Madeline – Sounds like Somewhere 
  • First Aid Kit – My Silver Lining 
  • Britt Nicole – The Sun is Rising
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pretty hurts

Oh… My aspiration in life… would be… to be happy.

Do we need extensions in our hair; fake nails; fake lashes and make-up to cover our flaws? Do we need a flat stomach; skinny thighs; perfect breasts; a golden tan? Magazine covers tell us we do. Models on the runway show us we do. All around you society tells you to be something you’re not. To fake your beauty.

What happened to natural beauty?

I used to be ashamed of my freckles. No one else seemed to have them; at least not as many as I did. People told me how cute freckles are. Wishing they had it. People today are envious that way; we want what we don’t have and what we have we don’t want. Today I’ve realized that the freckles will always be there in some shade or another. And I’m okay with that. My freckles are as much a part of me as anything else. The freckles make me who I am. My insecurities are not as bad as they used to be.

Why not celebrate the female imperfections? Why not make the imperfections perfect? Make your flaws your best feature. Because when it comes to humans there are no standard. Women and men come in different sizes and shapes. Why doesn’t the world of fashion and magazines illustrate that?

Instead of wondering if you’re good enough; think you’re worth it without even trying. We hide away who we really are. We leave our true self at home when walking out the door in the morning. We spend hours in front of the mirror covering our flaws with make-up and perfect our hair. We change our appearance and make ourselves unrecognizable. We push ourselves beyond our limits to get in shape and think too much about what we eat. It’s okay to be healthy but to it for yourself and not to fit society’s idea. All you want is to belong, so they’ll like you. But do you like yourself?  Do you like the person you’ve become?

Society puts too much pressure on women to be beautiful. Why should you care what they think of you?  Dare to be different.

Take your make-up off. Let your hair down. Take a breath. Look into the mirror, at yourself. Don’t you like you? ‘Cause I like you.

And keep in mind that laughter is the best medicine and, that a smile is the prettiest thing to wear. Remember that who you are on the inside is more important than the outside.

Poem

Take a walk,
Forget time and place
Walk over the bridge
Feel  fear fill your body
And the heart in your throat

Stop the thoughts
From running wild
Put on some music
And forget the world
Just for a little while

Let your mind go
To its happy place
Smile, please don’t cry
This life is not bad
It’s not bad at all

Let your shoulders down
You’re too young to worry
Forget your troubles
Things will fall into place
And don’t worry it will all be okay

©

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Dark times are coming. Dark times are here. It’s dark when my feet hit the cold floor in the morning; it’s dark when I leave the library and walk the short way home.

‘Tis the season to be jolly

It’s the season to stay inside, curl up on the couch under a blanket, light the fire and watch some TV with a cup of hot chocolate. No, scratch that. Neither do I have a fireplace nor do I have the time to watch TV. And a cup of hot chocolate late at night will only mess with my sleep.

It’s the season to spend 10-12 hours at the library; studying. Then while everyone else spends their evenings inside, curled up on the couch under a blanket, enjoying the warmth from the fire; I go for a walk. I love feeling the cold wind bite my cheek; see my breath turn into smoke.  And it helps clear my head after long hours inside, reading at the library. Clear my head; make it ready for sleep.

All of the perfection, nothing will and can be made
The old skin has to shed before the new one sees the day
Opportunities to find the deeper powers in ourselves
Comes when life is breathing and seems more than what it is

~ Cape of Our Hero by Volbeat

I wish people could see the girl who comes to life inside the four walls of my apartment. I wish I could bring her with me outside. But every day she stays at home. You see, she’s afraid to go outside. Afraid people would make fun of her; think she’s weird. But I think she’s awesome. I don’t know what I’m afraid of. I have nothing to be afraid of. Why care about what strangers think? They’re just strangers.

Maybe it’s time to force her outside? Maybe it’s time to realize that she and I are one and the same? That where I go; she goes too. I can’t hide her away anymore. She is who I want to be; she is who I want people to see. I’m not crazy. I’m just a little weird. I’m a victim of my own mind.

In my perfect world you’re happy with me
When I picture it, it’s all heavenly
But this fairytale is just a story, see?
Life is such an unpredictable dream…

~ Feel me by Mecca Kalani

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It had to come. The way I’ve been pushing myself lately I had to hit the wall, eventually. It would be a miracle if it was possible to keep going on the way I have.

Up at 6.30; coffee, breakfast and shower; be at the library by eight, preferably a few minutes before eight; study at the library until 5-6 o’clock; go home, change, eat a banana and then hit the gym; be at the gym for a few hours and have a kickass workout; go home, shower and eat dinner; then spend a few hours on the couch before bedtime.

Then you do it all over again the next day and the next until you reach the wall; until the day you hit the wall. The wall isn’t something you reach, it something hitting you in the face when you least expect it. It hits you at a time when you feel great but deep down you’re not. You’ve been pushing yourself too hard, have ignored the signs and just kept going. On Friday I hit that wall. After nearly 10 hours in the library I broke down when I came home.

Luckily, there was music and there was rain. So I went for a walk. I think I cried a bit too but who saw? It might as well have been rain.

I love the rain. I love when the ground gets wet. I love that after a little rain you might get lucky and see a rainbow glisten. I love the little puddles; and the big puddles. I become a child again. I jump in them. I don’t care who sees me. I live in my own world which is a little bit crazy; a little bit weird; and a little bit normal. My world is awesome, sometimes. Other times I wish it wasn’t my world. Times when everything seems to go wrong; when the world seems to be against me. But it doesn’t happen that often anymore, that the world is against me and it doesn’t last for days like it used to. I like to think it has something to do with me finally being able to change my life for the better.

I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions. Still, when the clock struck twelve on New Year’s Eve I promised myself that 2013 would be the year I finally fixed my life; fixed my world. I promised myself that 2013 would be the year I finally fixed what was broken years ago; I decided that I wasn’t going to let it define me anymore. Because why let my past define who I am, when I’m clearly not that girl anymore? When it’s evident I’ve actually changed? And I’ve changed a lot; not just the four-five months since 2013 started but since I moved away from home four-five years ago. That’s when I started changing. It’s taken me awhile but I finally feel it. I finally feel the change.