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It had to come. The way I’ve been pushing myself lately I had to hit the wall, eventually. It would be a miracle if it was possible to keep going on the way I have.

Up at 6.30; coffee, breakfast and shower; be at the library by eight, preferably a few minutes before eight; study at the library until 5-6 o’clock; go home, change, eat a banana and then hit the gym; be at the gym for a few hours and have a kickass workout; go home, shower and eat dinner; then spend a few hours on the couch before bedtime.

Then you do it all over again the next day and the next until you reach the wall; until the day you hit the wall. The wall isn’t something you reach, it something hitting you in the face when you least expect it. It hits you at a time when you feel great but deep down you’re not. You’ve been pushing yourself too hard, have ignored the signs and just kept going. On Friday I hit that wall. After nearly 10 hours in the library I broke down when I came home.

Luckily, there was music and there was rain. So I went for a walk. I think I cried a bit too but who saw? It might as well have been rain.

I love the rain. I love when the ground gets wet. I love that after a little rain you might get lucky and see a rainbow glisten. I love the little puddles; and the big puddles. I become a child again. I jump in them. I don’t care who sees me. I live in my own world which is a little bit crazy; a little bit weird; and a little bit normal. My world is awesome, sometimes. Other times I wish it wasn’t my world. Times when everything seems to go wrong; when the world seems to be against me. But it doesn’t happen that often anymore, that the world is against me and it doesn’t last for days like it used to. I like to think it has something to do with me finally being able to change my life for the better.

I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions. Still, when the clock struck twelve on New Year’s Eve I promised myself that 2013 would be the year I finally fixed my life; fixed my world. I promised myself that 2013 would be the year I finally fixed what was broken years ago; I decided that I wasn’t going to let it define me anymore. Because why let my past define who I am, when I’m clearly not that girl anymore? When it’s evident I’ve actually changed? And I’ve changed a lot; not just the four-five months since 2013 started but since I moved away from home four-five years ago. That’s when I started changing. It’s taken me awhile but I finally feel it. I finally feel the change.

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To love is nothing, to be loved is something, to love and be loved is everything.

She is the author of her life. Unfortunately she’s writing in pen and therefore can’t erase her mistakes. She can cross them out but that doesn’t mean they will disappear, they will still be there – just like the ink and word will still be on the paper even though they’re crosses out.

Why is it so hard to find someone who cares about you? When it’s easy to find someone who looks down on you?

She felt his eyes rest on her. She didn’t dare look up from what she was reading in case there was a slight chance her feeling was right; in case his eyes met hers. There were plenty of other vacant seats he could have chosen but he sat down there; two seats down, facing her. He could have chosen a seat where he would have his back towards her but he didn’t. Maybe it was her, once again, reading too much into it. She usually does. Her mind has a tendency to think too much.

And because she’s shy, she keeps her eyes firmly set on the words she’s trying to read but her mind doesn’t register anything. All it can focus on is why he sat down there? Why? When there were so many other vacant chairs to choose from? What if he’s looking at her? Why would he look at her? She’s nothing special to look at. She’s neither skinny nor fat. Her hair is a mess, and she’s hardly wearing any make-up today. She stayed up too late last night; had one too many beers. Still, she managed to drag herself out of bed when the alarm rang at 6:30 and got to school on time.

Sometimes she questions the size of this town. He’s everywhere. She sees him in the library, in the school cafeteria, at the gym but not out at night. The one time she’s not shy. The one time she would actually have the courage to meet his eyes or maybe even say I. He doesn’t go the places she and her friends go to – maybe he doesn’t go out at all? Maybe he already has a girlfriend and stays inside with her on a Saturday night? There you go, she’s thinking too much again.

Lately, he’s taken over her dreams. She dreams of an alternate reality where everything is different; a reality where she would be popular and have plenty of suitors to choose from. Reality couldn’t be farther from the truth. She’s never had a boyfriend. School is what’s important to her, getting good grades so she can get into a good college and get out of this town, once and for all. She has never looked in a mirror and thought what she saw was beautiful – so why would anyone else? Why would a guy like her, when she doesn’t even like herself?

This low self-esteem she has is the result of years being bullied – she spent years being told she was fat and ugly. Hearing that every day did something to her personality. What they said etched itself into her brain and she started to believe them. Because when they said it every day it had to be true, right? Why would they lie? Instead she went numb to protect herself. She built a wall it became hard for people to climb over but not everyone wants to screw her over; maybe they just want to get to know her?