Scribblings

Clandestiny

Silent all your life. Running without vision. Hollowed out inside. Wronging all that’s right. There’s no cost to be alive and no reason to escape from us. There’s no illness and no pain; haven’t found any suffering.

The road is long and bare. No clarity; no light. The moment came and swallowed us, blinding all our sight. We will keep you free from harm, all you have to do is stand with us. I will mend your wounded heart and resort the trials that you have lost.

Give your life so I can breathe. Save our lives, it’s all we need.

We can lead you under ground and devour our humanity. Follow me and follow sound to the end of your eternity.

Give your life so I can breathe. Save our lives, it’s all we need.

I have many memories from this place, both good and bad. It’s good to be back but I’ve changed since the last time I was here. I’ve come to realise that I’m not so dependent of the comfort I find here anymore. Finally, I’ve become the person I want to be. Finally, I’m free from the ties that binds me to this place.

Back when I used to live here I never used to this. Never. Not in a million years would the person I used to be go out, grab a bite and a drink alone. It’s been a struggle to get where I am today but when I move to London it didn’t take long before I did it all the time. And if  I could do it London then why not here? So, I grabbed a book and headed for what used to be my local pub.

Liberating is what it was!


Testing and trying out new beers have become a passion and interest of mine. In addition to getting my PGCE, it’s what I do for a living. I love it! There is plenty of liquid gold out there and trust me, I’m no talking about oil if that’s what you think!

I feel a sense of relief! I’ve only been here a day but who knew this was what I needed all along? All I needed was to get away [and someone to relieve the sexual frustration that has been building up for ages…]! I hopped on a train and let it take me away. Stayed a few nights in a hotel, had a fantastic breakfast and spent the days the way I wanted too.

When I returned after a year in London, I brought something back with me. It became a part of me and my lifestyle. People might think it’s weird – that I’m lonely. However, on a daily basis I’m constantly around people that when I finally get the chance to get out of the house apart from school and work, I’ve started to seize the opportunity instead of letting it slip away! So what if I’m alone in a pub, reading a book? That doesn’t necessarily mean I’m lonely, nor doesn’t mean I’m a loner.

Listen carefully and I’ll tell you what it means. It means I enjoy my own company and that I’m not dependent on other people!

There are a numerous of vacant tables… Why not sit there? Why did you have to invade my personal space? 


Liberate yourself from comparison and jealousy.

The leaves on the ground are dancing round and round in the wind. The only sound I hear is the music blasting in my ears. Puddles are drying in the sun. Schizophrenic weather is the correct terminology in my opinion. A few hours ago the rain came pouring down in buckets; now there isn’t a cloud in sight.

Rain… Rain… Rain… 

Is this seat taken? Yes! What a stupid question. Can’t you see there is obviously something sitting there? I’m sorry to have to be the one to telly you but I’m afraid that seat is reserved for my bag. You see I neither can nor wan’t to leave it on the floor. It’s too precious to me. But please don’t ask me how much it cost. It wasn’t really that expensive at all!


Lately, I’ve been wondering what the hell I’m doing. If it’s worth it, you know. Miles between us; cities apart. Why hold on to something that’s already dead?

Have you reached a verdict; made a decision? Have you truly made up your mind this time? Because this time it’s final. There’s no going back. You can’t play this stupid game anymore. He’s your could’ve been; should’ve been. But he never was and never will… I ask you again: have you come to a conclusion? 

Yes!

This time I have. I’ll admit I have mixed feelings about it but it’s not what I need anymore. I need my freedom. Freedom to do what I want with whomever I want. But I want you to know that I’m sad that it’s over but I also have to admit that I’m partly relieved and optimistic about the future.

He taught me to trust again. Taught me that not all men are bad and that it’s possible to let the wall down. I was afraid to lose you but you were never really mine. If only we’d had a second chance to meet for the first time. I wouldn’t have been the drugged and drunken girl you found walking alone on the street trying to find her way home. But you where there to save me and I will be forever grateful. Then the night comes and I’m all alone again…


I shed a few tears to today. I told myself not to cry because it’s over but instead smile because it happened! The missing piece of the puzzle is still out there, waiting to be found…

 

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yoga sequence

I love to challenge myself. So, the next few days, weeks, and maybe months I’m going to challenge myself with this cute yoga sequence I found online. In the beginning I’m just going to do it once a day, either in the the morning, the middle of the day, or in the evening. Then if I like it and feel I’m making progress I might start doing it twice a day. But we’ll see about that. It’s fun to just try something new. I just have to focus on breathing deeply and evenly the next time.

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I have a dream

The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now (Bill Cosby). Life waits for no one. Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans (John Lennon). Hard work pays off. In the end it will be worth it. Everything I did, I did to make my dream come true. Countless hours spent at the library and countless cups of coffee. . Just hope it has been enough. All the roads I’ve taken has finally led me to this. Once again I find myself at a crossroad – this time I now which road I want to take. I just hope my efforts haven’t been in vain. I just hope my efforts have’t been for nothing. One week from now I’ll have my answer. The answer to my question. Will my dream come true?

Maybe I have hopes too high for life?
Maybe I expect too much?
Thinking, hoping and wishing
Dreams that will never come true.
I am a victim of my own mind
I am my worst critic.
I dream big and have high hopes
What if nothing works out?
Then again what if it does?
(2013)

It has always been the same dream…
I walk the streets with a book bag on my shoulder; music blasting in my ears. I’m on my way to the library; THE library.  Surrounded by books; old and new, the library has an atmosphere making you want to study – it’s motivating you. It’s where I belong. Finally, I’m home. After studying I’m once again walking the streets. I’m on my way to my favorite coffee shop in this town. It’s neither too big nor too small; just the right size. The waitress/waiter recognizes me and tells me my regular will be right up. I find a vacant seat by the window, find my book and disappear into a different world. Sometimes I would also write as I take in the world just outside the window. People hurrying by; some off to meetings, others talking on their phone. All of them drink their coffee on the go. Everyone is in a hurry. Not taking breaks. Not stopping for anything. They’re always on their way from something, to something else. They don’t stop for a second and just enjoy life. Listen to the silence.  My coffee arrives and I’m brought back to reality. I still can’t believe this is my life; how far I’ve come. I worked hard to get here, spent countless hours studying but for this it was all worth it. Trust me. It was worth because I get to live my dream. 

This isn’t my life, yet. It’s just a dream. It’s always just a dream. Always the same dream. Every time I wake up I’, back in my cold [messy] room. But I will live my dream. Someday I will wake up and my room will be in that town. I will walk those streets, drink that coffee and study at that library. Someday it won’t just be a dream. Someday it will be my life!

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Let it go

The days come and go. I drink coffee after coffee. Some water in between. I eat; I sleep. I work out. I read. I write. I used to fear the future. I used to be scared of failure. I didn’t have confidence. I didn’t believe in myself. Five years and I finally feel confident on the road I find myself on. Finally, I feel I’m heading in the right direction. After five years living in the same city I’m finally ready for change. Time is running out. My time is running out. As the months pass by I’m getting closer to my dream. Every word I write; every page I read brings me one step closer. My motivation is on top. 

Spring is finally here and I love it. The days are brighter, the temperature is slowly rising and best of all – the sun is shining. It’s been a while since last time I wrote something other than on my bachelor thesis. I completely lost my inspiration. I had so many thoughts running wild in my head and it’s been hard to put them down on ‘paper’. I’ve been through a rough patch. I’ve been feeling down; lived in chaos. But where there once was chaos, order has to be restored right?

It’s been hard putting my feelings into words. Have I been happy; sad; depressed; tired; stressed out? I don’t know. All I know is that the days felt the same. I got up, I ate breakfast, I did some schoolwork, watched TV, drank cups and cups of coffee, did some more schoolwork, watched some more TV and drank some more coffee. I spent some time soaking up the sun, I went for long walks and I went to the gym. The past week I lived on autopilot. I was the chosen pessimist. I made a decision: I cancelled all my [unimportant] plans and decided to go about the days at my own pace. Eat what I want when I want. Do what I want when I want. It turned out that it was what I needed.

This past week has helped me back on track. I spent my week with the hot firefighters of Fire House 51 in Chicago Fire. After being away from the gym for two weeks after a knee injury I’m slowly feeling myself getting stronger again. After feeling down my mood is slowly coming back. I feel up to date with my schoolwork and I finally feel I have control when it comes to my BA-thesis.  In short, where there once was chaos, order has finally been restored!

I have always been afraid of the future – it scared me because I couldn’t control it. It has always been just a dream. Now I find the future exciting and a little bit scary but mostly exciting. The time is right and if I don’t do it now when will I ever do it? This is my chance and I decided to take it. I saw an opportunity and took it. I’m finally ready for a new adventure. After five years in one place the time is right to pack up my things and see the world – well, at least a little bit of it. The time is right to move on. But first two months of intense studying! 

Poem

Do not turn away from fear
Do not hide away your tears
Follow the empty path
It will take you where you wish to go
Show your strength, your weakness, your fear
It’s time to live and wipe your tears

©

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I feel so inspired these days. I can write for hours. I guess it’s been some time. Maybe it’s the change of location; maybe it’s the fact that I don’t have any finals to study for. I’m not complaining. It’s just a little weird, this sudden feeling of inspiration that seems to have hit me. There’s a story unfolding in my head. Don’t know if I’ll ever publish any of it here. But it’s a story of romance and finding yourself. Going from living life as a wallflower to living a life where people see you – a life where you hide away in the background but instead are visible. Making yourself heard above the noise of everyone else.

With coffee and dark chocolate today is a day best spent inside. Outside the weather reminds more of fall than summer. The wind is blowing in the trees; rain is falling from the sky. I finished my last final of the year only a week ago but it feels so much longer. I have done so much. Enjoyed good food, served at a wedding (for 10 hours), got a little tanned, bought new clothes – summer clothes, I’ve spent time relaxing – sleeping, reading novels, and I’ve polished plates, glasses and silverware.

It feels as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. There are no dark clouds hanging over me. Nothing I have to do; nothing I must do. Tuesday I felt I was in Downton Abbey polishing silverware, plates and glasses, all that was missing was the right fashion. The beautiful post-world war one fashion.

I guess things haven’t really changed. I still drink the same amount of coffee I did while studying for finals. I still read, only now I finally get to enjoy all the novels I’ve saved this semester. I got to read The Perks of being a Wallflower one more time (I’ve lost count how many times I’ve read it). But the story never seize to amaze me. It gets me every time. Charlie is such a magnificent character – a wallflower.

There’s a light drizzle in the air. Can’t the weather make up its mind? Either rain or let the sun shine.

I haven’t worked out in over a week and I don’t care. I haven’t had the time, it hasn’t been a priority of mine. I listened to my body and it needed relaxing. My knees needed to heal. Today I finally went for that run. I beat my time from last year. There has been progress since the beginning of last august.

Life is great.

I think this will be a great summer.

[written on Thursday, June 13th 2013]
Poem

I tell myself to be brave.

I tell myself tomorrow is the day,

Then tomorrow comes

But I remain the coward I always have been –

Always will be:

I look at the ground; forget to smile.

Then I scream inside

Wishing I could punch myself

Asking myself why – why didn’t I?

I want to rewind

Get a second chance

And maybe, just maybe

I’ll finally get it right

But I won’t, I know I won’t

I doubt I ever will

It’s a vicious circle I find myself in,

I’ll never get it right.

Why do I never learn?

I’ll get a second chance tomorrow

At least I think I will.

But how many chances does a person get?

Someday it has to end, right?

I tell myself to be brave

I tell myself tomorrow is the day

When I’ll finally be brave

I won’t be a coward

I won’t look at the ground,

And I’m going to smile

Because tomorrow, I’ll be brave.

©

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Sometimes you need to be alone, in order to find out who you really are and what you really want.

It felt like I had gotten lost but along the way I found myself. I found the courage to be myself. I discovered the way to happiness. I searched for so long and never realized that the answer was simple. I have to let go of the past; what people thought of me doesn’t matter. What people think of me doesn’t matter. Who are they to judge me? What gives them the right to judge me? They don’t know me; they don’t know who I am – who I was. Why should I let people label me when they don’t know me?

I have survived my entire life up until this point. I survived the pain, the heartbreaks, the devastation, and the bullying. I survived all the different phases in my life up until this point and here I am; stronger than I ever have been. Why should I let the past define who I am today; how I act today? I survived the past and now it’s time to let go, and move on. Create memories to replace the nightmares.

Look at me, there has to be something more than what they see; wholesome and pure, also scared and unsure. A poor man’s Sandra Dee. Sandy, you must start anew. Don’t you know what you must do? Hold your head high, take a deep breath and sigh “Goodbye to Sandra Dee”. 

So fuck them. Fuck them all. I’m going to walk with my head held high and show them all. I’m going to show them that the shy and quiet girl is gone. She doesn’t exist anymore. I want so much in this world but I won’t get it by being shy and quiet. Not sit idle by and wait for love or other great things to happen. If I don’t go after what I want, I’ll never have it.

Beauty isn’t just looks. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Beauty is your personality. Beauty is your heart. Beauty is you. There isn’t just one definition of beauty same as there isn’t only one model of what’s beautiful.

It’s not just about the dream. Anyone can dream a dream. But a dream is only a dream. If you want it to happen, make it happen. Don’t just dream it, night after night. Do something about that dream. Make your dreams real. I believe in you. You can do it; time to be brave; time to be courageous. This is your life; live it!

I’m not perfect. I never will be. I am me and it’s exactly who I want to be.

They might try to tell you how you can live your life. But don’t, don’t forget it’s your right to do whatever you like. ‘Cause you could be your own spotlight. You could be the star, you could shine so bright. You could be your own spotlight. 

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The girl in the mirror has confidence. Finally she’s smiling. An inner joy is filling her body and puts a big smile on her face. The girl in the mirror has been through so much; and changed so much. The girl she used to be belongs to the past; the girl she’s become is the one she wants to be. The girl in the mirror has shape – an hourglass body shape is indicated with a dress she just a few months ago didn’t fit. The girl in the mirror has used energy and strength to get to where she is today. Energy and strength she didn’t even know she had. But everything has gone in the positive direction. The girl in the mirror is satisfied; satisfied with how life has turned out. The girl in the mirror is proud; proud of whom she become. No one can take away her pride. The girl in the mirror dares to be herself; she has a dream. The girl in the mirror has huge dreams; dreams she one day wish to accomplish.  

The girl in the mirror has my hair, my face and my body. The girl in the mirror resembles me. We could be twins. The girl in the mirror is smiling; smiling because she finally feels she on the right road in life. The girl in the mirror is smiling because she has so many great people in her life. The girl in the mirror is satisfied. The girl in the mirror has changed since she moved away from home four years ago. The girl in the mirror has lost weight. The girl in the mirror works out on a daily basis.

But does everybody else see what the girl in the mirror sees?

The girl in the mirror is me and I would like to tell you my story. I wish for some day that my words will give you the chills and bring tears in your eyes. Most of all I want my stories to show you why I have been so strong; so protective of myself. I want my stories to give you something to think about; how you behave and treat others around you. Because friends don’t grow on trees, and friends don’t just appear out of the blue. You have to make an effort. You have to take initiative. But for some that can be difficult. They have thoughts which give them low self-esteem; they think too much about how other people perceive them and forget to be themselves. They get lost in the crowd and forget to speak up. But I’m done being one among the crowd; I’m done not daring to speak up – I’m ready to be me. The girl in the mirror is me and she is a person; a person who is worth something. 

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Ignore him. Play it cool. Look down. If your eyes meet he will see everything. See your soul. Read you like an open book. Look away. He’s not worth it. He’ll eventually make you cry. They all will. There’s no hope for you; no one’s ever going to love you, your freckle face or your few extra pounds. That’s why you look down when they pass you on the street. Why you never look them in the eye at school. We’ve talked about this before. Don’t you remember? No worries. That’s what I’m here for; to remind you. How ugly you are. I’ll always remind you. You’ll never get rid of me. I’m here to haunt you for the rest of your life. There’s no escape. No way out. Just you and me, and don’t you dare shut me out. I always find ways to get back inside your head, you know that. I told you. There’s no way you can escape from me. 

Live for yourself and nobody else. This is your life; time to make the most of it; time to do what you love; time to stop overanalyzing. Well, well, look at that; the pessimist has become an optimist. Keep this up and I won’t be around for long. I only come around when you need me and now I sensed you needed someone to give you a kick in the ass.