Scribblings

Clandestiny

Silent all your life. Running without vision. Hollowed out inside. Wronging all that’s right. There’s no cost to be alive and no reason to escape from us. There’s no illness and no pain; haven’t found any suffering.

The road is long and bare. No clarity; no light. The moment came and swallowed us, blinding all our sight. We will keep you free from harm, all you have to do is stand with us. I will mend your wounded heart and resort the trials that you have lost.

Give your life so I can breathe. Save our lives, it’s all we need.

We can lead you under ground and devour our humanity. Follow me and follow sound to the end of your eternity.

Give your life so I can breathe. Save our lives, it’s all we need.

I have many memories from this place, both good and bad. It’s good to be back but I’ve changed since the last time I was here. I’ve come to realise that I’m not so dependent of the comfort I find here anymore. Finally, I’ve become the person I want to be. Finally, I’m free from the ties that binds me to this place.

Back when I used to live here I never used to this. Never. Not in a million years would the person I used to be go out, grab a bite and a drink alone. It’s been a struggle to get where I am today but when I move to London it didn’t take long before I did it all the time. And if  I could do it London then why not here? So, I grabbed a book and headed for what used to be my local pub.

Liberating is what it was!


Testing and trying out new beers have become a passion and interest of mine. In addition to getting my PGCE, it’s what I do for a living. I love it! There is plenty of liquid gold out there and trust me, I’m no talking about oil if that’s what you think!

I feel a sense of relief! I’ve only been here a day but who knew this was what I needed all along? All I needed was to get away [and someone to relieve the sexual frustration that has been building up for ages…]! I hopped on a train and let it take me away. Stayed a few nights in a hotel, had a fantastic breakfast and spent the days the way I wanted too.

When I returned after a year in London, I brought something back with me. It became a part of me and my lifestyle. People might think it’s weird – that I’m lonely. However, on a daily basis I’m constantly around people that when I finally get the chance to get out of the house apart from school and work, I’ve started to seize the opportunity instead of letting it slip away! So what if I’m alone in a pub, reading a book? That doesn’t necessarily mean I’m lonely, nor doesn’t mean I’m a loner.

Listen carefully and I’ll tell you what it means. It means I enjoy my own company and that I’m not dependent on other people!

There are a numerous of vacant tables… Why not sit there? Why did you have to invade my personal space? 


Liberate yourself from comparison and jealousy.

The leaves on the ground are dancing round and round in the wind. The only sound I hear is the music blasting in my ears. Puddles are drying in the sun. Schizophrenic weather is the correct terminology in my opinion. A few hours ago the rain came pouring down in buckets; now there isn’t a cloud in sight.

Rain… Rain… Rain… 

Is this seat taken? Yes! What a stupid question. Can’t you see there is obviously something sitting there? I’m sorry to have to be the one to telly you but I’m afraid that seat is reserved for my bag. You see I neither can nor wan’t to leave it on the floor. It’s too precious to me. But please don’t ask me how much it cost. It wasn’t really that expensive at all!


Lately, I’ve been wondering what the hell I’m doing. If it’s worth it, you know. Miles between us; cities apart. Why hold on to something that’s already dead?

Have you reached a verdict; made a decision? Have you truly made up your mind this time? Because this time it’s final. There’s no going back. You can’t play this stupid game anymore. He’s your could’ve been; should’ve been. But he never was and never will… I ask you again: have you come to a conclusion? 

Yes!

This time I have. I’ll admit I have mixed feelings about it but it’s not what I need anymore. I need my freedom. Freedom to do what I want with whomever I want. But I want you to know that I’m sad that it’s over but I also have to admit that I’m partly relieved and optimistic about the future.

He taught me to trust again. Taught me that not all men are bad and that it’s possible to let the wall down. I was afraid to lose you but you were never really mine. If only we’d had a second chance to meet for the first time. I wouldn’t have been the drugged and drunken girl you found walking alone on the street trying to find her way home. But you where there to save me and I will be forever grateful. Then the night comes and I’m all alone again…


I shed a few tears to today. I told myself not to cry because it’s over but instead smile because it happened! The missing piece of the puzzle is still out there, waiting to be found…

 

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11.02.2015

There are too many thoughts in my head. Running frantically round and round. Sometimes running a marathon. I try, but I can’t. I can’t  seem to write them down on a white piece of paper. They’re running too fast. Running away from me. I can’t catch a hold of them. There’s a whirlwind – a tornado if you like. Chaos.

There have been no walks in the fresh air. There have been no walks by the Thames, sipping my [black] coffee while music blasts in my ears. Volbeat. In Flames. Five Finger Death Punch. Or it might be the songs I’ve added to my March 2015 playlist. It all depends on my mood. There have been no walks by the Thames because I’ve been  sick. A runny nose, sore throat, and a little bit feverish. I’ve been exhausted. My body said stop and I nearly hit the wall. But I’m better now. 

I have a playlist consisting of 303 songs; one day, four hours, 46 minutes and 13 seconds. It’s an obsession. There’s a song to fit my every mood. It was created back in 2011 while I wrote my undergrad dissertation. I pressed play today when I finally could go for a walk along the Thames again. I hit shuffle and it was the best walk I’ve had for ages.

***

I tried to act normal and it was the worst five minutes of my life. I guess I’m just better at being weird. No, hang on, I’m better at being ME. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m not normal. Normal doesn’t exist in my vocabulary. I tried it once but I don’t ever want to do it again.

***

I’ve made very important plans for Saturday. It will be the best Saturday in ages. It’s going to be epic. I’m having a single’s party and you’re NOT invited. I’m buying loads of ice cream, whipped cream, and chocolate sauce. Oh, I’m not just going to buy it, I’m also going to eat it. Or, perhaps, I’ll buy a bottle of wine and drink it out of my new glass, a [stolen] souvenir from last Friday’s night out. All while watching House of Cards (season 2) or perhaps recap the last few episodes of Game of Thrones (season 4).

Guess it’s just another Saturday… Wait, hang on a minute, you’re saying it’s Valentine’s Da on Saturday? Well, it doesn’t matter because, as I’ve already told you, I have very important plans…

Do you  think I’m stupid? Don’t you think I know what day it is? How could anyone NOT know that Valentine’s Day is approaching? Even Starbucks had decorated their windows with hearts. And at WHSmith, it looked like Cupid had vomited all over the store!

Valentine’s Day is probably more fun if you’re in a relationship…

***

Putting on a fake smile is easier than explaining why you’re sad.

It’s less exhausting to live when you stop pretending to be someone you’re not.

Scribblings

3 May 2013, 23:27

I used to walk these hall every day. And every day, I dreaded walking these halls. What would they say? What would they do? Would they measure what I was wearing; how messy my hair was; how little make-up I had on? Never did I walk these halls with my head held high. I looked down. Out of fear. Fear of what might happen if my eyes caught theirs.

            What ya lookin’ at, freak?

I used to walk these halls afraid. I used to look at the floor, at people’s feet. Being back brings back memories, memories that still haunts me in my sleep, memories that turn my dreams to nightmares. Being back is making me wish I didn’t return. It’s too soon. So much has changed, and yet so little. It’s all coming back to me. I remember everything. How I used to hide out in the library. How being around books, especially the old classics – the love stories – became my comfort. My escape.

            Why did I come back for this? Why did I return? These people gave me nothing.

I returned for one reason, and one reason only: to show them I got over it. That no matter how much they tried, they could not break me. I returned to get my revenge. However, now I’m not sure I made the right decision. If I turned around and exited the building, no one would even know I had been here. It would be as it used to be. I would walk these halls as a ghost; a ghost longing for the great escape.

She stopped next to a row of lockers, took a deep breath and decided it wasn’t worth the pain. Instead of entering, she turned around and walked back the way she had come. That’s when she saw him. Her heart picked up the pace; her cheeks started burning. All she wanted was to disappear. Become the freak people didn’t always notice; one among the crowd.

There was only one problem, there was no crowd. He had seen her and she saw recognition in his eyes. Her feet was rooted to the spot. He was walking towards her and she couldn’t move. He looked even better now than he did in high school. College had been good to him and he was handsome in his suit. The closer he got, the more her body was shaking. She was so certain he had seen her. But, instead of saying hello, he walked past her and continued towards the cafeteria. Her heart exploded with pain and anger. She felt hurt. How could he still hate her after all these years?

Why did she come back for this? She should have known nothing good could have come from it. The people here had never given her anything. Her revenge wasn’t worth it. She was still walking these halls as a ghost. What good was revenge if they didn’t notice her – if they didn’t see her?

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Bring me to life

I used to be angry at the world. Music dictated my mood and apathy consumed me. You never saw a smile on my face. If you did, I’ll bet you a 100 quid it was fake. I was a master of disguise. I hid behind masks. I consumed my weight in food and ate the pain away. I died a slow and painful death. Every day a little piece of me died. Because I wasn’t happy. Because I wasn’t alive. I didn’t live my life. I let the past define me and words haunt me. I cried. I screamed. But no one listened. There was no sound. No words. Only silence. Silent screams. 

I wasn’t like the others. Didn’t look like the others. Had different clothes. I used to be fat and insecure. I cried myself to sleep. I was excluded. Wasn’t pretty enough. Wasn’t skinny enough. I stopped trusting. Music and books became my friends. My escape. I consumed the words. Listened till my ears bled. Everywhere I went books and music came with me. Always. Never alone. 

It wasn’t until I moved away from home and started university I felt free. Free from the past. Like the Phoenix I rose from the ashes. I started running. Faster and faster. I tried running from my demons. I tried running away from the storm. Instead, I hit a wall and I fell hard. Down into the dark abyss. Surrounded by darkness I was lost. I was blind and couldn’t see. I pushed too hard. I ran too fast. I lost myself searching for someone else. Something else. I tried to be someone else. But I could only be me. 

I used to be angry at the world. Then I found myself [cliché, I know]. I found a better version of me. I found the golden mean. The desirable middle between two extremes. I continued to run. But stopped running away from the storm and stopped waiting for the storm to pass. Instead, I learned to dance in the rain. I found my place. Started to dream. Worked hard. Lived life. I found my way out. Out of the abyss. Out of darkness. Like the Phoenix I rose from the ashes. 

The past is the past. Life starts now; life is now. If you want to be happy, be… 

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May 12, 2014

I used to be angry at the world but it hadn’t done me any harm. I was angry for no reason. I let music dictate my mood. I didn’t exactly listen to heavy metal and smile. Nowadays I do. Listening to the same music now reminds me of how far I’ve come. The countless obstacles I’ve conquered along the way.

My heart and head wasn’t in it today. All I managed to accomplish was some half-hearted intervals on the treadmill before my energy ran out and my body gave up.

I think I have to power of persuasion.

Late at night I lie in bed and listen to the rain.  The gentle sound of rain hitting the window calms me down. Someone told me long ago, there’s a calm before the storm; I say there’s a calm during the storm. How I wish I could go for a run. But it’s a little too dark and a little too late. I should be asleep.

Maybe I’ll wish for rain tomorrow. Sing the opposite of Annie? The sun won’t come out tomorrow. Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow there’ll be rain. Because then I can go out for a run in the rain. That’s life. That’s when all my troubles and worries magically disappear. Even if just for a little while.

Is it weird that I like the rain much better than the sun? That I like to run in rain instead of walking on sunshine? Don’t get me wrong. I don’t mind a little sunshine either. But there will always be something special about the rain. Something magical. The rain has always held a special place in my heart. I have always loved the rain. I think there is some truth to the saying: you can’t have sunshine without a little rain. Or is it you can’t make a rainbow without a little rain?

Much has been said about rain. Countless research papers have much likely been written. And I get it; there is something about rain… 

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Is it weird that walking in rain makes her happy?

The day got off on the wrong foot but ended up being a good day.

Is being seen, the same as being understood? Can the words a person writes tell you something about who she is – has been? Do you judge her by the words she writes even though they describe something happening a long time ago? Maybe it’s only now, when it’s in the distant past, she’s able to write it down; ready to tell the world. 

She doesn’t write for empathy. She writes so other people can understand where she comes from; why she is the girl she is today. Let people know where her insecurities come from. That no matter how much weight she has lost she still see her old self staring back in the mirror. 

They told her it would get better when she got older. That as soon as people got over the teenage years they would stop. Did they? The words might have stopped coming, but what they had said in the past still stuck with her. Being grown up didn’t erase that. As she got older and the past more distant she has been able to leave it all behind. She’s able to let it all go. But it takes time. And time goes fast; too fast sometimes.

She doesn’t know how much weight she has lost in kilos or pound. The number on the scale isn’t everything. But she can see she’s different and she feels different. It’s easier to run; easier to lift weights. Just hurrying home in the rain is easier. She isn’t out of breath after walking three flights of stairs – she used to – but not anymore. She does CrossFit once a week, who would have thought? 

Clothes fit her better. Some she has thrown away because they were just too big. Life isn’t a dark hole anymore. She has escaped. And instead of existing day by day; she’s living and making plans for the future. The pessimist is slowly becoming an optimist. It isn’t done overnight. It takes time. But time is moving forward; not backwards. She doesn’t live in the past anymore; she lives for the future. 

She is me.  I used to be broken. I used to be hurt. Now, I’m happy. Happy with who I’ve become and who I’m becoming. I’m not perfect but have realized that I never will be. I used to be a troubled soul; not anymore. I’ve realized that life is what you make of it. Happiness comes from within. I’m the maker of my own happiness. All I can do is aspire to become the best version of myself!

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What a wonderful day! I haven’t seen a single soul except for the people on my TV. I haven’t talked to single person except for myself. Don’t judge me. Just because I talk to myself sometimes doesn’t make me crazy. I needed this day to disconnect from the world; a day where I didn’t have to cover my face in make-up or care that my hair is a mess. So what if I didn’t get that much schoolwork done, I did at least some. And besides, I have plenty of days left to spend reading at the library. One day at home, away from reading won’t hurt. I’m going back to the library tomorrow if the cold I’m coming down with allows me.

It’s the change in weather; the sudden drop in temperature happening this week which gave me this cold. It’s the same every year. No matter if I start wearing warm sweaters and socks in October, I still get a cold.

So I spent this cold November day at home. Drinking coffee, watching some TV, doing some writing, a little reading – basically doing things at my own pace. I spent the day under a blanket on the couch and forgot the world outside my apartment. On days like this I always become a little nostalgic. I travel back to the past and compare it with the present. Somehow everything seemed to have changed. Then if I compare today with, say, last Thursday, nothing seem to have changed at all.

“Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different…”

Almost bedtime. I was supposed to be in bed an hour ago. But isn’t it funny how those nights you plan going to bed early are the nights you end up staying up late? But first I have to take a spoonful of cough syrup. I don’t like it but it helps. Makes my throat better. No point in putting it off any longer. It must be done.

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There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart’s desire; the other is to gain it.

Once again you’ve managed to get trapped and be fooled by love. You don’t understand why you never learn. All love has ever given you is heartache and tears; and plenty of walks in the rain – because then no one can see you’re crying. You ask yourself why you haven’t experienced the greatness of love yet; the excitement of being in love with someone who’s in love with you. Time after time you’ve given up on love but then as time goes by you find yourself back at the starting point. You think maybe it’s time you got out of the circle you find yourself in and find new ways to go.

Love has never been easy; not for anyone. It certainly has broken your heart a numerous times. So why do you always let love trap you? One reason is probably the feeling that comes with it; the feeling that you’re high on life. You smile all the time. You don’t eat because of the butterflies flying around in your stomach. You drag yourself to school because you might see him because seeing him makes your day. But it’s just a crush; nothing more and out of fear you won’t do anything about it. With your past in the back of your mind you don’t do anything about it. But one day might have changed it all. You find yourself in a situation. Studying in the library and suddenly he sits down above you. You look at him in secret when you know he’s not looking; you steal glances at him when he’s busy reading. The moment he looks up; you look away pretending you’re reading something important – something interesting.

He’s the one you told your friend looked too young. But as the day goes by his looks grows on you; he’s cute; seems like a nice person; doesn’t really look that young or maybe you’re blinded. He’s strong; tall. During the day you drink coffee; lots of coffee; strong coffee. It makes you feel drunk and apparently has the same effect on you as alcohol. You become brave. Your stares become longer. I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. Then suddenly you stare a moment to long and your eyes meet. You quickly look down. But you’re not defeated. It happens again. But you forget to smile. It haunts your mind; your weird behavior.

Then Friday comes; you’re back at school. Coming back from lunch he walks by, turn his head and smile. You wish you had the power to rewind. Rewind and play it again; and again; and again. Maybe in slow motion; analyze where he was looking. Was he looking at you? Was his smile meant for you? Did you meet his eyes and smile back? Stop this. Just stop this. Stop this overanalyzing shit. Go back to studying. Get your mind over on something else. It was probably just a fraction of your imagination. You probably just saw what you wanted to see.

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It goes deep; these feelings of insecurity I have. They are rooted in fear and growing up being constantly told that no one’s ever going to love you because you’re too fat. Nothing changes even if you change; it’s still the same feeling. The voices are still there. So you look away. You’re ugly. There’s no point. It’s not worth it. You always look away. You live your life, always afraid. Wishing you had those beers in your system. Because then you’d be brave. Then you ignore the voices. You’re being yourself. You’re being confident. You would turn your head and look him in the eye; and smile. Not worrying about what if. You would just do it. No questions asked.

It doesn’t matter where you are or who you’re with. The voices always find you. They seek you out. They prey on you. They keep you down. You put up that wall. Make your appearance seem tough. Eat less, work out more. You run till you faint. No matter what, you always find time to work out. You don’t talk about your past to anyone; afraid of being judged. Afraid they’ll get scared and leave you alone. Afraid they’ll deem you a freak. How to explain that when there was no other way you found something sharp and made a tiny scratch on your right wrist? Still, you never seem to give up. You believe that someday you’ll experience that silver lining everybody’s talking about. Find that special someone who finally makes your life worth living. You have to believe. No matter what you have to believe that life will be okay. You made it this far. There’s no way you can give up now.

Just because I usually don’t cry, doesn’t mean my heart doesn’t’ cry because crying makes you weak. I know how to put on a brave face. I’m a master in wearing different masks. That’s what my past has taught me – to wear masks. Don’t let your bullies see that what they say affect you. Don’t let them see that their words make you cry. Cry in silence. Cry when you’re home in the comfort of your room. Don’t show them you’re weak. They want you to break. They want to feel superior. They want to make themselves feel better and they chose you.

I have experienced how much pain the heart can take. I was broken many years ago. My heart was broken many years ago but it’s still beating. Gradually I’ve glued myself back together. I might be whole again but the scars remain; both physical and mental. They stick with you. Wherever you go, you’ll never forget your past. As long as your heart is beating; the scars will be alive. They did this to you. They broke you.