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11.02.2015

There are too many thoughts in my head. Running frantically round and round. Sometimes running a marathon. I try, but I can’t. I can’t  seem to write them down on a white piece of paper. They’re running too fast. Running away from me. I can’t catch a hold of them. There’s a whirlwind – a tornado if you like. Chaos.

There have been no walks in the fresh air. There have been no walks by the Thames, sipping my [black] coffee while music blasts in my ears. Volbeat. In Flames. Five Finger Death Punch. Or it might be the songs I’ve added to my March 2015 playlist. It all depends on my mood. There have been no walks by the Thames because I’ve been  sick. A runny nose, sore throat, and a little bit feverish. I’ve been exhausted. My body said stop and I nearly hit the wall. But I’m better now. 

I have a playlist consisting of 303 songs; one day, four hours, 46 minutes and 13 seconds. It’s an obsession. There’s a song to fit my every mood. It was created back in 2011 while I wrote my undergrad dissertation. I pressed play today when I finally could go for a walk along the Thames again. I hit shuffle and it was the best walk I’ve had for ages.

***

I tried to act normal and it was the worst five minutes of my life. I guess I’m just better at being weird. No, hang on, I’m better at being ME. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m not normal. Normal doesn’t exist in my vocabulary. I tried it once but I don’t ever want to do it again.

***

I’ve made very important plans for Saturday. It will be the best Saturday in ages. It’s going to be epic. I’m having a single’s party and you’re NOT invited. I’m buying loads of ice cream, whipped cream, and chocolate sauce. Oh, I’m not just going to buy it, I’m also going to eat it. Or, perhaps, I’ll buy a bottle of wine and drink it out of my new glass, a [stolen] souvenir from last Friday’s night out. All while watching House of Cards (season 2) or perhaps recap the last few episodes of Game of Thrones (season 4).

Guess it’s just another Saturday… Wait, hang on a minute, you’re saying it’s Valentine’s Da on Saturday? Well, it doesn’t matter because, as I’ve already told you, I have very important plans…

Do you  think I’m stupid? Don’t you think I know what day it is? How could anyone NOT know that Valentine’s Day is approaching? Even Starbucks had decorated their windows with hearts. And at WHSmith, it looked like Cupid had vomited all over the store!

Valentine’s Day is probably more fun if you’re in a relationship…

***

Putting on a fake smile is easier than explaining why you’re sad.

It’s less exhausting to live when you stop pretending to be someone you’re not.

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Summer 2015

Some days people in general just annoy me. People who routinely slam the door shut when leaving or entering the hall. Especially, at five o’clock in the morning. People waiting for the bus but doesn’t move from where they’re standing to let other people pass. Come one people, the bus is huge and red, I don’t think you’re going to miss it. And it’s not going to drive past you if you move one or two steps.

Today, I’m a little bit angry at the world. Everything that could go wrong, has gone wrong this morning. That’s what happens when your woken up three hours before the alarm, just because people haven’t learned to close the door properly; just because some people think they’re the only one who live in this world. Therefore, I’ve decided to do exactly the same when I leave and enter the hall. I’m going to do it just because I can. And because I want to annoy people as much as they annoy me sometimes.

Other than that I’m pretty happy. I’m starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Two weeks and three days; I can do it! Why can’t I do it? With a little hard work, long hours in the library, some more work before bedtime (the library is only open till 7 pm) and I’ll be fine. Really. So, what if I don’t have a social life in the following two weeks and three days. This has been the ultimate goal all along. I’d rather work hard and submit something I’m proud of – something I can stand for – instead of thinking I could have done more! As long as I get my coffee, I’ll be fine. Let’s do this.

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Ranting

Do you ever drop eggshells; or garlic; or perhaps a bunch of noodles on the floor while you’re cooking? What do you do? Leave them there and see if anyone else will pick them up for you or do you pick them up and throw them in the bin? Do you sprinkle salt all over the kitchen counter instead of on your food? Do you wipe down the kitchen counter after spilling something? Do you wipe off the grease from the stove when you’re finished cooking? Do you slam the door shut? Especially, when you’re coming home late at night and your flatmates might be sleeping?

Walking into our kitchen is literally like walking on eggshells. Studying at home, my concentration is disrupted by someone coming home and slamming the door shut. I immediately think they’re mad or having a bad day. I was taught that you don’t slam the door shut; you close it. If I start to cook you can bet someone might come into the kitchen and ask me if I’m using the oven [while I’m about to put my pizza in the oven]. My sarcastic voice inside my head wants to reply: of course not, I’m heating it up for you. Oh, you’re having pizza for dinner? Why not just take mine, because your life is so much more important than mine. I can wait. It’s not like I have something more important to do. Out loud I reply as polite as I can: Yes, I’m using it but I’ll probably be done soon. 

I’m so over it. I’m so glad I’m nearly finished with my student days, and the days where I have to live in student accommodation will be gone. Today’s ranting was brought to you by a girl who is tired of cleaning up after other people. But, since I hate cooking in a dirty kitchen I just do it, which Nike told me to.

London

Manic Monday

Mail collection closes at five pm, that’s fine. But when does it open? Not nine apparently… I know it might be early to some people but I’ve decided to have one of those long days in the library. I’m inspired to write my essays. Because the sooner I finish them or the more time I spend writing them – the faster time goes. And I want it to fly by! I wan’t it to be Christmas already, I want to go home, I want to be on that plane taking me home to my parents, I want to eat good food (not lazy food cooked after hours in the library), I want to sleep in, curl up on the couch with a good book and drink hot chocolate with cream on top, and most of all I want to go home so I can buy a new computer. My life would be so much easier… Digression, let’s get back on track. So you see, I won’t be home before five today either so I thought I could collect it [my mail/letter] on the way. But I was wrong. But here’s a tip: put up a sign displaying the opening hours instead of being mean when I politely ask if there’s any mail. Thank you!, that would be much appreciated.

As if that wasn’t enough, then I meet these people standing on the pavement, waiting for the bus. Some of them have probably been waiting in the same spot for minutes and are afraid to give it up. They’re afraid they won’t get on the bus. I wouldn’t worry, the bus is not going to leave without you. But, honey, when people are trying to pass by from both directions you need to move. Not everyone is lazy and take the bus a few stop to main campus. Some of us actually enjoy the walk. And hey, it takes you like ten-fifteen minutes, the same time you spend out here waiting in the cold for the bus. I realize some of them are probably going to work somewhere else, but still, you have to move… I though English people were supposed to be polite?

Finally, I reach Starbucks – holy ground. It brings me my daily drug. I get my coffee (paid for it of course) and all is good in the world. And yes, I did get my letter.

Now, I’m in my spot at the library. Yes, I have a little female Sheldon in me. Don’t judge. It’s time to get these essays done. Maybe I need another cup of coffee first? It’s just one of those Mondays where coffee is the only thing that helps and it does help my motivation too, you know…

Step aside Monday, this is a job for coffee!

I’m still alive and well. There are now five days (counting today) until my first deadline: three essays and 9500 words in total; there are seven days until my second deadline: 10 minute presentation; and there are 8 days until my third deadline: 5-10 minute presentation (still a little confused about that one). I think I’m going to make it. Got one essay done, the worst one, another one almost done [plan to get it done by today] and the last essay, well I might get it done either today or tomorrow. It all depends on how inspired I’ll be. It looks promising though, I got a good night sleep and there is so much to look forward too after the essays are done. That alone is enough to motivate me!

Let’s start typing!!!

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pretty hurts

Oh… My aspiration in life… would be… to be happy.

Do we need extensions in our hair; fake nails; fake lashes and make-up to cover our flaws? Do we need a flat stomach; skinny thighs; perfect breasts; a golden tan? Magazine covers tell us we do. Models on the runway show us we do. All around you society tells you to be something you’re not. To fake your beauty.

What happened to natural beauty?

I used to be ashamed of my freckles. No one else seemed to have them; at least not as many as I did. People told me how cute freckles are. Wishing they had it. People today are envious that way; we want what we don’t have and what we have we don’t want. Today I’ve realized that the freckles will always be there in some shade or another. And I’m okay with that. My freckles are as much a part of me as anything else. The freckles make me who I am. My insecurities are not as bad as they used to be.

Why not celebrate the female imperfections? Why not make the imperfections perfect? Make your flaws your best feature. Because when it comes to humans there are no standard. Women and men come in different sizes and shapes. Why doesn’t the world of fashion and magazines illustrate that?

Instead of wondering if you’re good enough; think you’re worth it without even trying. We hide away who we really are. We leave our true self at home when walking out the door in the morning. We spend hours in front of the mirror covering our flaws with make-up and perfect our hair. We change our appearance and make ourselves unrecognizable. We push ourselves beyond our limits to get in shape and think too much about what we eat. It’s okay to be healthy but to it for yourself and not to fit society’s idea. All you want is to belong, so they’ll like you. But do you like yourself?  Do you like the person you’ve become?

Society puts too much pressure on women to be beautiful. Why should you care what they think of you?  Dare to be different.

Take your make-up off. Let your hair down. Take a breath. Look into the mirror, at yourself. Don’t you like you? ‘Cause I like you.

And keep in mind that laughter is the best medicine and, that a smile is the prettiest thing to wear. Remember that who you are on the inside is more important than the outside.

Poem

I’m still a coward –

And a heartless bitch

I’m a heartbreaker,

I’m cold as ice

What am I afraid of?

What do I have to lose?

What do my eyes hide?

Can you see my soul?

I’m the great pretender

Pretending that I don’t care

Ignore you

When all I want is to meet your eyes

What am I afraid of?

What do I have to lose?

You were never mine

I have nothing to lose 

I’m arrogant; a coward; 

A heartless bitch

I’m afraid to fall 

But still, I want it all 

 

©

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Sometimes you need to be alone, in order to find out who you really are and what you really want.

It felt like I had gotten lost but along the way I found myself. I found the courage to be myself. I discovered the way to happiness. I searched for so long and never realized that the answer was simple. I have to let go of the past; what people thought of me doesn’t matter. What people think of me doesn’t matter. Who are they to judge me? What gives them the right to judge me? They don’t know me; they don’t know who I am – who I was. Why should I let people label me when they don’t know me?

I have survived my entire life up until this point. I survived the pain, the heartbreaks, the devastation, and the bullying. I survived all the different phases in my life up until this point and here I am; stronger than I ever have been. Why should I let the past define who I am today; how I act today? I survived the past and now it’s time to let go, and move on. Create memories to replace the nightmares.

Look at me, there has to be something more than what they see; wholesome and pure, also scared and unsure. A poor man’s Sandra Dee. Sandy, you must start anew. Don’t you know what you must do? Hold your head high, take a deep breath and sigh “Goodbye to Sandra Dee”. 

So fuck them. Fuck them all. I’m going to walk with my head held high and show them all. I’m going to show them that the shy and quiet girl is gone. She doesn’t exist anymore. I want so much in this world but I won’t get it by being shy and quiet. Not sit idle by and wait for love or other great things to happen. If I don’t go after what I want, I’ll never have it.

Beauty isn’t just looks. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Beauty is your personality. Beauty is your heart. Beauty is you. There isn’t just one definition of beauty same as there isn’t only one model of what’s beautiful.

It’s not just about the dream. Anyone can dream a dream. But a dream is only a dream. If you want it to happen, make it happen. Don’t just dream it, night after night. Do something about that dream. Make your dreams real. I believe in you. You can do it; time to be brave; time to be courageous. This is your life; live it!

I’m not perfect. I never will be. I am me and it’s exactly who I want to be.

They might try to tell you how you can live your life. But don’t, don’t forget it’s your right to do whatever you like. ‘Cause you could be your own spotlight. You could be the star, you could shine so bright. You could be your own spotlight. 

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To all the girls who think they’re fat because they’re not a size zero. You’re the beautiful one. It’s society that’s ugly.

Sick and tired. Sick and tired of it all. I’m sick and tired of the stress. What if I don’t pass my exams; what if I don’t get a summer job? What if I didn’t workout long enough today? What if I eat too much dinner? What if I make brownies later? Will I gain all the calories I ran away today?

Society is ugly. Telling us how to look, what to wear and what will make us happy. Society tells us in order to be beautiful you have to be a size zero and you need to have the perfect body. So we work our asses off. Especially those of us who can’t eat what we want and still look thin. We work out till we feel the vomit in our throat. We swallow it down with some water and continue. We run until we’re dizzy and about to faint. We push ourselves harder and harder for each time. Because society tells us that we’re not beautiful unless we’re a size zero.

We search the web for thinspiration because that’s the new hype. That’s what everybody is supposed to look like, according to social media. What about those of us who have curves? Those of us who no matter what – no matter how much we work out – will never be skinny? Those of us who have hips, ass, breasts and thighs; what about us? We judge ourselves in the mirror because we don’t measure up to society’s standards.

We are thought to believe that what boys want – what guys want – is a blond, skinny bitch. Yes, I call them skinny bitches. They’re my enemies. They’re the ones who constantly made me feel like a losers, who made me feel ugly and fat. They’re the ones who used to make my life a living hell. They’re the ones who thought they were perfect with their blond hair, tight jeans, one-size-too-small top, and who got all the attention from boys. They made the rest of us, who wasn’t like them, feel less about ourselves; using words and action. They measured us from head to toe. But where are these girls today?

But society doesn’t consist of just skinny bitches and we can’t all amount to become one. We are all individuals of different size and body shape. We can’t let society dictates how we’re supposed to look like. We need to believe that in our own way we are beautiful just the way we are. We’re not supposed to change anything in order for a guy to love us – in order for society to be right. We’re supposed to change if, and only if, it makes us feel good about ourselves; if it helps with our self-confidence. Don’t change because society tells you to, change because you want to.