Scribblings

Clandestiny

Silent all your life. Running without vision. Hollowed out inside. Wronging all that’s right. There’s no cost to be alive and no reason to escape from us. There’s no illness and no pain; haven’t found any suffering.

The road is long and bare. No clarity; no light. The moment came and swallowed us, blinding all our sight. We will keep you free from harm, all you have to do is stand with us. I will mend your wounded heart and resort the trials that you have lost.

Give your life so I can breathe. Save our lives, it’s all we need.

We can lead you under ground and devour our humanity. Follow me and follow sound to the end of your eternity.

Give your life so I can breathe. Save our lives, it’s all we need.

I have many memories from this place, both good and bad. It’s good to be back but I’ve changed since the last time I was here. I’ve come to realise that I’m not so dependent of the comfort I find here anymore. Finally, I’ve become the person I want to be. Finally, I’m free from the ties that binds me to this place.

Back when I used to live here I never used to this. Never. Not in a million years would the person I used to be go out, grab a bite and a drink alone. It’s been a struggle to get where I am today but when I move to London it didn’t take long before I did it all the time. And if  I could do it London then why not here? So, I grabbed a book and headed for what used to be my local pub.

Liberating is what it was!


Testing and trying out new beers have become a passion and interest of mine. In addition to getting my PGCE, it’s what I do for a living. I love it! There is plenty of liquid gold out there and trust me, I’m no talking about oil if that’s what you think!

I feel a sense of relief! I’ve only been here a day but who knew this was what I needed all along? All I needed was to get away [and someone to relieve the sexual frustration that has been building up for ages…]! I hopped on a train and let it take me away. Stayed a few nights in a hotel, had a fantastic breakfast and spent the days the way I wanted too.

When I returned after a year in London, I brought something back with me. It became a part of me and my lifestyle. People might think it’s weird – that I’m lonely. However, on a daily basis I’m constantly around people that when I finally get the chance to get out of the house apart from school and work, I’ve started to seize the opportunity instead of letting it slip away! So what if I’m alone in a pub, reading a book? That doesn’t necessarily mean I’m lonely, nor doesn’t mean I’m a loner.

Listen carefully and I’ll tell you what it means. It means I enjoy my own company and that I’m not dependent on other people!

There are a numerous of vacant tables… Why not sit there? Why did you have to invade my personal space? 


Liberate yourself from comparison and jealousy.

The leaves on the ground are dancing round and round in the wind. The only sound I hear is the music blasting in my ears. Puddles are drying in the sun. Schizophrenic weather is the correct terminology in my opinion. A few hours ago the rain came pouring down in buckets; now there isn’t a cloud in sight.

Rain… Rain… Rain… 

Is this seat taken? Yes! What a stupid question. Can’t you see there is obviously something sitting there? I’m sorry to have to be the one to telly you but I’m afraid that seat is reserved for my bag. You see I neither can nor wan’t to leave it on the floor. It’s too precious to me. But please don’t ask me how much it cost. It wasn’t really that expensive at all!


Lately, I’ve been wondering what the hell I’m doing. If it’s worth it, you know. Miles between us; cities apart. Why hold on to something that’s already dead?

Have you reached a verdict; made a decision? Have you truly made up your mind this time? Because this time it’s final. There’s no going back. You can’t play this stupid game anymore. He’s your could’ve been; should’ve been. But he never was and never will… I ask you again: have you come to a conclusion? 

Yes!

This time I have. I’ll admit I have mixed feelings about it but it’s not what I need anymore. I need my freedom. Freedom to do what I want with whomever I want. But I want you to know that I’m sad that it’s over but I also have to admit that I’m partly relieved and optimistic about the future.

He taught me to trust again. Taught me that not all men are bad and that it’s possible to let the wall down. I was afraid to lose you but you were never really mine. If only we’d had a second chance to meet for the first time. I wouldn’t have been the drugged and drunken girl you found walking alone on the street trying to find her way home. But you where there to save me and I will be forever grateful. Then the night comes and I’m all alone again…


I shed a few tears to today. I told myself not to cry because it’s over but instead smile because it happened! The missing piece of the puzzle is still out there, waiting to be found…

 

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Another Day, Another Way

There are plenty of thoughts in my head. Running frantically around. Sometimes running a marathon. But I can’t get them down on a piece of paper – can’t write them down. They’re running to fast. I can’t catch a hold of them. There’s a whirlwind – a tornado if you like. Chaos. There have been no walks in the fresh air. There have been no walks by the Thames sipping my [black] coffee while music is blasting in my ears. Volbeat. In Flames. Five Finger Death Punch. I’ve been sick. Runny nose, sore throat and little bit feverish. I’ve been exhausted. My body said stop and I nearly hit the wall. But I’m better now.

I have this playlist with 303 songs; 1 day, 4 hours, 46 minutes and 13 seconds. It’s becoming an obsession. There’s always a song in there to fit my mood. Several songs in fact. I created it last year while I wrote my undergrad dissertation. I put it on today when I finally could go for my walk along the Thames again. I hit shuffle and it was the best walk in ages.

I tried to act normal and it was the worst five minutes of my life. I’m better at being weird. I’m better at being me. And I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m not normal. Normal doesn’t exist in my vocabulary. I tried it once and I don’t ever want to do it again.

I have big plans for Saturday. It’s going to be the best Saturday ever. I’m having a single’s party and you’re not invited. I’m going to buy loads of ice cream, whipped cream, and chocolate sauce.  I’m not just going to buy it, I’m also going to eat it. Maybe I’ll buy a bottle of wine and drink out of my new glass, a [stolen] souvenir from last Friday’s night out. All while watching House of Cards (season 2) or perhaps recap the last few episodes of Game of Thrones (season 4). I guess it’s just any other Saturday… Wait, hang on a minute, is it Valentine’s Day on Saturday you say? Well, it doesn’t matter because, as you can see, I have big plans.

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Source: weheartit

 

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Monday is here again

There is one thing that is always certain and that is after Sunday comes Monday. A new week; a fresh start. I’ve been trying to be a good student but this cold I’ve been battling had me confined to bed pretty much all of last week. Runny nose, sore throat, headache, and perhaps a bit feverish. But I’m better now. It should be a good sign that all I want is to put on my trainer’s and go for a long walk in the fresh air. But it will have to wait until Wednesday.

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